I had the fortune to see my team - the A's - play two days in a row! YES!!!!
if you click on this pick it will take you to MORE pics of my boyfriends in Oakland. And yes, I am robbing the cradle.
Oh yeah...we won both games. And I sat next to Eric Chavez' parents. Cool.
Friday, May 5
VIVA LA RAZA!!!!!
Hola!
¡Feliz Cinco de Mayo! ¡Celebre con sabor! ¡Celebre nuestros hermanos y a hermanas en México! ¡Ore para su seguridad y su éxito!
Deseo que mi español mas fuera y exacto, pero neccesito hacer el mejor con lo que usted tiene.
Right?
¡Feliz Cinco de Mayo! ¡Celebre con sabor! ¡Celebre nuestros hermanos y a hermanas en México! ¡Ore para su seguridad y su éxito!
Deseo que mi español mas fuera y exacto, pero neccesito hacer el mejor con lo que usted tiene.
Right?
Monday, May 1
MAYDAY! MAYDAY!
HAPPY HAPPY MAY DAY!!!!!!
If we were in England, I wouldn't be blogging on work time because we would have the day off and then we could have a picnic and go to the pub for ale at night.
MAN! I wanna live in England today!
If we were in England, I wouldn't be blogging on work time because we would have the day off and then we could have a picnic and go to the pub for ale at night.
MAN! I wanna live in England today!
Friday, April 28
Manhattan in California?
This is one of the pics I took when my Sara came to town many months ago. (Ya know, the trip where I found out I was gonna be an Auntie!) The pics turned out beautifully. I love living in a place where I can have NO photography talent and yet still get great pics! God's creation makes me look way more talented than I am!
Thursday, April 27
More proof I am a nerd....
I spent two hours reading this website today.... and loving it.
It has inspired me to start a rousing campaign to bring this back into the venacular.
Rad.
It has inspired me to start a rousing campaign to bring this back into the venacular.
Rad.
Friday, April 21
Happenings
Lots of things have been happenings!
Sarah S came out for a little 30th b-day celebratin' and Disney fun! Here we is:
For some weird reason, we saw fit to take various pics of ourselves from above. Maybe we think it makes us look thinner.
And, of course, what would a B-day celebration be without beverage - and the ensuing beverage photos?
I like how the glass looks like it is sweating - if you look real close you can see a beautifully purple-ee blue outline around the kidney bean shaped reflection in the 2nd pic. Cooooooool.
After a LOOONNNGGG dress rehearsal for next weeks ArtsFest Dance/Poetry night, I was able to see some church buds and that was MUCH needed. LOVE IT.....
Rach is in town, I will see her tonight - I am VERY EXCITED!
By the way - whoever posted the great poem for Easter - boo! on you for being anon. and yea! on you for sharing the inspiration.
Sarah S came out for a little 30th b-day celebratin' and Disney fun! Here we is:
For some weird reason, we saw fit to take various pics of ourselves from above. Maybe we think it makes us look thinner.And, of course, what would a B-day celebration be without beverage - and the ensuing beverage photos?
I like how the glass looks like it is sweating - if you look real close you can see a beautifully purple-ee blue outline around the kidney bean shaped reflection in the 2nd pic. Cooooooool.After a LOOONNNGGG dress rehearsal for next weeks ArtsFest Dance/Poetry night, I was able to see some church buds and that was MUCH needed. LOVE IT.....
Rach is in town, I will see her tonight - I am VERY EXCITED!
By the way - whoever posted the great poem for Easter - boo! on you for being anon. and yea! on you for sharing the inspiration.
Sunday, April 16
Wednesday, April 12
Apathy
There is a real good song that has these lines:
What a beautiful piece of heartache
this has all turned out to be
Lord knows we've learned the hard way
all about healthy apathy.
I am hanging out in this healthy apathy place. Very bad, very queer, very strange things are afoot at the Circle-M.
I am concerned that I have no appetite for intimate relationship. Love is like dark chocolate. Makes you pucker and open wide all at the same time while slipping down your gullet with extraordinary ease, filling you up too fast because it's too rich and yet you still want more, more, more.
It is like I have eaten several slices of Max's Opera Cafe Triple Fantasy Chocolate Espresso Torte (ohthankyouJesus) and now I am sick. I am feeling that feeling - that oh so horrible feeling - dare I say it?
"If I never eat chocolate again, it will be too soon."
I guess the good part is that whenever you say something like that, you know you really will eat chocolate again, because the precise act that made you sick it the precise act that you crave again. I, for one, always want more chocolate.
But not today.
What a beautiful piece of heartache
this has all turned out to be
Lord knows we've learned the hard way
all about healthy apathy.
I am hanging out in this healthy apathy place. Very bad, very queer, very strange things are afoot at the Circle-M.
I am concerned that I have no appetite for intimate relationship. Love is like dark chocolate. Makes you pucker and open wide all at the same time while slipping down your gullet with extraordinary ease, filling you up too fast because it's too rich and yet you still want more, more, more.
It is like I have eaten several slices of Max's Opera Cafe Triple Fantasy Chocolate Espresso Torte (ohthankyouJesus) and now I am sick. I am feeling that feeling - that oh so horrible feeling - dare I say it?
"If I never eat chocolate again, it will be too soon."
I guess the good part is that whenever you say something like that, you know you really will eat chocolate again, because the precise act that made you sick it the precise act that you crave again. I, for one, always want more chocolate.
But not today.
Tuesday, April 4
thx again R...
Today is 04.05.06
Rach encourages us to celebrate. Fortunately, we are, as it is Jenn's Bday bash. And, apparently, it is the 04.05.06 bash too.
Rach encourages us to celebrate. Fortunately, we are, as it is Jenn's Bday bash. And, apparently, it is the 04.05.06 bash too.
Creativity is stirring...
I don't like my blog anymore but I don't know how to change it around. I would like to know how to make pretty pictures and show the covers of the books that I am reading or the CD's that I am currently jamming to.
I would also like to use the entirety of the page.
This is an interesting comment on my personality....
I like to use the entirety of the page to express myself. Even though I am a very free thinker, I like to have the dimensions of the page to think within.
I can hear myself know saying to people in music jam sessions - "Yeah, I can make up a song - GIVE ME A TOPIC"
I can remember asking for guidance without specifics.
One time someone spoke a word over me and told me that I was like a horse on a track, but the track was very, very wide. I was running and running and the track gently guides me in the directions that I should go. I am free within boundaries. I am safe within the guidance of God.
I want to use the whole page, my friends, and I want you to use the whole page too. Maybe you will start from the middle and spread out, maybe you will start from the edges and go in - or may be you will be kinda like me and throw stuff all over in random over.
Ahhhhh.... and all this starts because I want to change my blog.
:)
I would also like to use the entirety of the page.
This is an interesting comment on my personality....
I like to use the entirety of the page to express myself. Even though I am a very free thinker, I like to have the dimensions of the page to think within.
I can hear myself know saying to people in music jam sessions - "Yeah, I can make up a song - GIVE ME A TOPIC"
I can remember asking for guidance without specifics.
One time someone spoke a word over me and told me that I was like a horse on a track, but the track was very, very wide. I was running and running and the track gently guides me in the directions that I should go. I am free within boundaries. I am safe within the guidance of God.
I want to use the whole page, my friends, and I want you to use the whole page too. Maybe you will start from the middle and spread out, maybe you will start from the edges and go in - or may be you will be kinda like me and throw stuff all over in random over.
Ahhhhh.... and all this starts because I want to change my blog.
:)
Monday, April 3
We have a tie....
The "Best Quote at Church" Award has a tie this week:
"I'm gonna be humble and I'm gonna be right, damn it!"
Maria
"Did I just say that out loud? OHH GOOD!"
Tre
"I'm gonna be humble and I'm gonna be right, damn it!"
Maria
"Did I just say that out loud? OHH GOOD!"
Tre
Wednesday, March 29
INDIA.ARIE "Strength, Courage & Wisdom"
Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun
Behind my eyes there lives a me that I've been hiding for much too long
'Cause I've been, too afraid to let it show
'Cause I'm scared of the judgment that may follow
Always putting off my living for tomorrow
It's time to step out on faith,
I've gotta show my faith
It's been illusive for so long,
but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith,
It's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found
Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me
Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen
It's time to step out on faith,
I've gotta show my faith
It's been illusive for so long but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith it's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found
Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me
I close my eyes and I think of all the things that I want to see
'Cause I know, now that I've opened up my heart I know that
Anything I want can be, so let it be, so let it be:.
Strength, courage, and wisdom
It's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, wisdom
It's been inside of me all along, everyday I'm praying for:
Strength, courage, and wisdom
To find me, yeah,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me
I found it in me, I
found it finally
I'm sure to keep it' cause I like it, I say thank you
Thursday, March 23
Nancy Drew's Guide to Life says...
"It's a bit gratuitous to quote passages from Shakespeare on a daily basis."
--The Clue of the Dancing Puppet
--The Clue of the Dancing Puppet
We just can't stay away!
Tink and Ariel were at it again - here are some pics to prove it!
Us in our "plush" versions
In one of the courtyards of the Grand Californian
She is soooo cute! Love her!
We got back Tuesday late night from our local Disneyland vacation. We, as always, had a great time and there was no fighting in the car!
Both of us needed to be together - we hadn't seen each other in friendship capacity for over 10 weeks - just goes to show you - QUALITY TIME IS IMPORTANT!!!!!!!
Us in our "plush" versions
In one of the courtyards of the Grand Californian
She is soooo cute! Love her!We got back Tuesday late night from our local Disneyland vacation. We, as always, had a great time and there was no fighting in the car!
Both of us needed to be together - we hadn't seen each other in friendship capacity for over 10 weeks - just goes to show you - QUALITY TIME IS IMPORTANT!!!!!!!
Saturday, March 18
Helpless Romantic
I have recently discovered that I am a completely helpless romantic. I especially mean the HELPLESS part of that. The heart is a funny thing - we just can't control it. So, since I can't beat my heart, I have joined it!
The good thing is that I have finally come to terms with the fact that I love ROMANCE. Jenn helped me realize this when she and I were talking about "this guy" and she said - "You're not letting yourself enjoy this thing."
She was right - I was scared of happiness because it meant that I might be hurt.
This is hilarious because I think being afraid of pain is the stupidist thing ever in the world. It ties your soul up in knots and stops you from feeling anything except pain anyway! Now, I do realize that sometimes fear and caution are a VERY healthy thing - they can keep you away from things that God just doesn't need you to be all mixed up with. Fear can be a great motivator for wisdom - but I think in the overall scheme of things being "too cautious" steals away life in the sneakiest way.
So, whether you need to hear it or not, I leave with these cheese-ball words (hey - I just told you I was a helpless romantic!!):
Sing like no one is listening,
Dance like no one is watching,
Love like you have never been hurt
Live like it's heaven on earth.
The good thing is that I have finally come to terms with the fact that I love ROMANCE. Jenn helped me realize this when she and I were talking about "this guy" and she said - "You're not letting yourself enjoy this thing."
She was right - I was scared of happiness because it meant that I might be hurt.
This is hilarious because I think being afraid of pain is the stupidist thing ever in the world. It ties your soul up in knots and stops you from feeling anything except pain anyway! Now, I do realize that sometimes fear and caution are a VERY healthy thing - they can keep you away from things that God just doesn't need you to be all mixed up with. Fear can be a great motivator for wisdom - but I think in the overall scheme of things being "too cautious" steals away life in the sneakiest way.
So, whether you need to hear it or not, I leave with these cheese-ball words (hey - I just told you I was a helpless romantic!!):
Sing like no one is listening,
Dance like no one is watching,
Love like you have never been hurt
Live like it's heaven on earth.
Thursday, March 16
Tuesday, March 14
Almost done...
ok so I pretty much bombed my final.
i have 6-7 pages left to write on my last paper.
and my feelings got hurt today.
weeping may endure for a night an joy comes in the morning.
pbbbbp!
i have 6-7 pages left to write on my last paper.
and my feelings got hurt today.
weeping may endure for a night an joy comes in the morning.
pbbbbp!
Saturday, March 11
Tertullian
For all of Tertullians faults, I came across a quote today that makes me want to listen to him - at least about some things.
It answers the question, "Can anything good come out of Tertullian?"
"I think I may say without fear of contradiction that by the will of God the Scriptures themselves were so arranged as to furnish matter for the heretics. For without Scripture there can be no heresy."
Well ain't that the truth?
It answers the question, "Can anything good come out of Tertullian?"
"I think I may say without fear of contradiction that by the will of God the Scriptures themselves were so arranged as to furnish matter for the heretics. For without Scripture there can be no heresy."
Well ain't that the truth?
Friday, March 10
SCENE: INT. DAY
Last day of New Testament Gospels Class, class is anxious. Hurried and listening to death and resurrection speech. Staci and Michelle one row behind/one seat to the right of Kyliah. Staci and Michelle whisper during lecture. Kyliah listening. Enter Dr. Thompson.
Dr. Thompson (lecturing): So, what is the one thing not written about in relation to Jesus and his salvific work for God the Father in the Gospels?
(Several uninformed, if not bad, answers from several class members. Michelle and Staci whisper equally bad answers to each other. Beat.)
Pregnant Kyliah: (excitedly) God's wrath!
Dr. Thompson: (equally excited: pleased someone learned something) YES! The wrath!
Michelle: (whispering to Staci) Gosh, she is sooo smart!
Staci: (whispering back) She has two brains right now!
Michelle: (very out loud) HA HA HA HA HA HA H AH AH AH AHA AH HA A!
(Dr. Thompson shoots a look over her glasses. No smile - she has not heard the comment)
END SCENE
Last day of New Testament Gospels Class, class is anxious. Hurried and listening to death and resurrection speech. Staci and Michelle one row behind/one seat to the right of Kyliah. Staci and Michelle whisper during lecture. Kyliah listening. Enter Dr. Thompson.
Dr. Thompson (lecturing): So, what is the one thing not written about in relation to Jesus and his salvific work for God the Father in the Gospels?
(Several uninformed, if not bad, answers from several class members. Michelle and Staci whisper equally bad answers to each other. Beat.)
Pregnant Kyliah: (excitedly) God's wrath!
Dr. Thompson: (equally excited: pleased someone learned something) YES! The wrath!
Michelle: (whispering to Staci) Gosh, she is sooo smart!
Staci: (whispering back) She has two brains right now!
Michelle: (very out loud) HA HA HA HA HA HA H AH AH AH AHA AH HA A!
(Dr. Thompson shoots a look over her glasses. No smile - she has not heard the comment)
END SCENE
As promised
More beverage containers: this one with Thais' hand.
I TOLD you I would remember!
This is the new sign for our church, conveniently located at the pub where we had Community Group last night :)
And here is one more pic I found in my phone from the Sundance Film Festival. This is looking up Main St. On an extremely dreary day. It was really, really cold. And wet. And snowy.
Did I mention cold?
I TOLD you I would remember!
This is the new sign for our church, conveniently located at the pub where we had Community Group last night :)
And here is one more pic I found in my phone from the Sundance Film Festival. This is looking up Main St. On an extremely dreary day. It was really, really cold. And wet. And snowy.
Did I mention cold?
Wednesday, March 8
Sunday, I did not believe in God
Last Sunday, I forgot how to believe in God. I had a wrestling match with God, or doubt, or an angel or whatever, and felt alone and ouch and crippled and blecchkkk.
This verse attacked me yesterday while working on a paper about the problem of evil.
"Though the fig tree does not blossom,
and no fruit is on the vines;
though the produce of the olive fails
and the fields yield no food;
though the flock is cut off from the fold
and there is no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD
i will exult in the God of my salvation.
GOD, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of the deer,
and makes me tread upon the heights"
Habakkuk 3.17-19
This verse attacked me yesterday while working on a paper about the problem of evil.
"Though the fig tree does not blossom,
and no fruit is on the vines;
though the produce of the olive fails
and the fields yield no food;
though the flock is cut off from the fold
and there is no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD
i will exult in the God of my salvation.
GOD, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of the deer,
and makes me tread upon the heights"
Habakkuk 3.17-19
Monday, March 6
Michelle + Motivation = 0
Yeah - so I have none.
This weekend has been annoyingly difficult to concentrate on all the stuff I have to get done. I am hopelessly distracted.
I think I am having one of those mental reactions to the fact that I am graduating in June. I am not sure what I will be doing, except I know that it will be "real life" stuff and to be honest, I like my "fake life" as a student. I enjoy being lazy when I want to be, taking a day off of classes whenever, procrastinating on papers and studying and hanging out with great people freaking ALL DAY LONG!!!!
I love the atmosphere where everybody feels the same stresses (to some extent) and kinda is cocooned up in this attitude of "not yet". It is very comfortable to put off actually fulfilling the career path we are called to.
If you are reading this - PLEASE pray for me that I get my papers done like now (pray now if you like, but I mean that more like I get my papers done now - Ah - English - a barrel of grammatical fun!)
So, off I am to continue work - and these papers:
Women, Bible and the Church = Egalitarian position paper
NT Gospels = What is the Kingdom of God?
Systematics = Is the Bible to be trusted?
Systematics = What about theodicy?
AND
a Final Exam in NT Gospels
pray friends, pray.
This weekend has been annoyingly difficult to concentrate on all the stuff I have to get done. I am hopelessly distracted.
I think I am having one of those mental reactions to the fact that I am graduating in June. I am not sure what I will be doing, except I know that it will be "real life" stuff and to be honest, I like my "fake life" as a student. I enjoy being lazy when I want to be, taking a day off of classes whenever, procrastinating on papers and studying and hanging out with great people freaking ALL DAY LONG!!!!
I love the atmosphere where everybody feels the same stresses (to some extent) and kinda is cocooned up in this attitude of "not yet". It is very comfortable to put off actually fulfilling the career path we are called to.
If you are reading this - PLEASE pray for me that I get my papers done like now (pray now if you like, but I mean that more like I get my papers done now - Ah - English - a barrel of grammatical fun!)
So, off I am to continue work - and these papers:
Women, Bible and the Church = Egalitarian position paper
NT Gospels = What is the Kingdom of God?
Systematics = Is the Bible to be trusted?
Systematics = What about theodicy?
AND
a Final Exam in NT Gospels
pray friends, pray.
Saturday, March 4
Thursday, March 2
Tuesday, February 21
Altruistic Vengeance
So my sis Michelle and I are in the midst of this party thing that the School of Psych is throwing for the School of Theology. We like to laugh at things like this.
Here's the dialogue:
M1: So, what is this thing?
M2: Um, a party SOP is throwing for SOT.
M1: Weird. That's a nice step toward integration.
M2: Yeah, well, SOT threw a party for SOP last quarter. I think they are trying to get back at us.
M1: Alturuistic Vengeance!
M1 & M2: HA HA HA HA HAH
M2: I gotta blog that.
M1: Cool. Do I get royalties?
Here's the dialogue:
M1: So, what is this thing?
M2: Um, a party SOP is throwing for SOT.
M1: Weird. That's a nice step toward integration.
M2: Yeah, well, SOT threw a party for SOP last quarter. I think they are trying to get back at us.
M1: Alturuistic Vengeance!
M1 & M2: HA HA HA HA HAH
M2: I gotta blog that.
M1: Cool. Do I get royalties?
Saturday, February 18
DUE DATES
OK, so SARA is due on the 3rd
and
KYLIAH is due on the 12th.
of August.
I am writing it here now so that when I forget again I know I will have a place to look it up.
Thank God for blogs!
and
KYLIAH is due on the 12th.
of August.
I am writing it here now so that when I forget again I know I will have a place to look it up.
Thank God for blogs!
Wednesday, February 15
Random thoughts for the morning
It was 85 degrees last Friday when K-dog and I studied and ate fruit together. K is on the prego track, with lil' Villa due August 12 or 3rd. The reason I can't remember which is b/c BF Sara is also due in August - on the 12 or 3rd. So I can't remember which is which.
Anyway, K did this cool thing with her orange before she ate it:
She split up all the sections before she put any of them in her mouth. When I asked her why she told me of how when she was little, her mom would put the oranges in the fridge and they would be too cold and she hated it - so she would split up the oranges to make them warm up.
I love you, K, and I love what makes you tick - I am so blessed!
OK NEXT RANDOM THING:
I thought this beer looked neon. Kinda Wierd - but even weirder is how the bubble pattern looks like Jack from Nightmare Before Christmas. Also check out the reflection of the beer in the water.
See - I told you beverages are cool to photograph!
Another blessing:
This is how my church does business.
We just call each other church and leave post-its in simple form to get the message across.
I love my church - it is so cool because when I say that I mean that I love the people that make up my community. It has been a while since I was able to say that - I am so thankful.
I love my church.
I love my church.
I love my church?
Wow. Rad.
Anyway, K did this cool thing with her orange before she ate it:
She split up all the sections before she put any of them in her mouth. When I asked her why she told me of how when she was little, her mom would put the oranges in the fridge and they would be too cold and she hated it - so she would split up the oranges to make them warm up.
I love you, K, and I love what makes you tick - I am so blessed!
OK NEXT RANDOM THING:
I thought this beer looked neon. Kinda Wierd - but even weirder is how the bubble pattern looks like Jack from Nightmare Before Christmas. Also check out the reflection of the beer in the water.
See - I told you beverages are cool to photograph!
Another blessing:
This is how my church does business.
We just call each other church and leave post-its in simple form to get the message across.
I love my church - it is so cool because when I say that I mean that I love the people that make up my community. It has been a while since I was able to say that - I am so thankful.
I love my church.
I love my church.
I love my church?
Wow. Rad.
Tuesday, February 14
Ambiguous
Blind date = great
We were = Kinda flirty; kinda friendly.
Intrigued = definitely would go out again.
Let's see if he e-mails...
(but why didn't he ask for my number? hmmmm...)
OK - I am editing this post on March 6th - since the blind date we have chatted and ummmm...no dice for me. Great guy, but "it" is not so much there for me (or him!?) Hope to be friends - looks like that is a better option for us - just in case ya'll cared to know (Rachel - I know YOU care!!)
We were = Kinda flirty; kinda friendly.
Intrigued = definitely would go out again.
Let's see if he e-mails...
(but why didn't he ask for my number? hmmmm...)
OK - I am editing this post on March 6th - since the blind date we have chatted and ummmm...no dice for me. Great guy, but "it" is not so much there for me (or him!?) Hope to be friends - looks like that is a better option for us - just in case ya'll cared to know (Rachel - I know YOU care!!)
Monday, February 13
LOOK!
Yeah - this was in a vending machine at Disneyland/California Adventure!
SOOO Funny!
Can you guess where that vending machine was?
These guys are great - they make me smile and laugh and we make a great D-land team. Who else can you stand in line AND talk spiritual warfare with at the same time? Ah- I am so blessed! :)
SOOO Funny!
Can you guess where that vending machine was?
These guys are great - they make me smile and laugh and we make a great D-land team. Who else can you stand in line AND talk spiritual warfare with at the same time? Ah- I am so blessed! :)
Sunday, February 12
Starting a church is good for the soul
So my friends Maria (how DO you solve a problem like Maria?) and Mickey (he's so fine he blows my mind!) started a church because we wanted to actually BE a church in real life!!!
Soon came along Andrea and Kyle and Jamie and Katrina and Mark and Thies. Wow - this this is growing pretty quick like. I guess I just wanted to let you all know that for the first time in 4 years I looked forward to going to church. Kinda sad considering I worked for churches all in the past four years.
I realize that I am on the recovery from major burn out. You would think that it wouldn't take too long to recover, but apparently it has taken me quite a while.
The great news is that I was beginning to wonder if I would ever be able to go to church again without being nauseus for 3 days after - good news- no sickness in a month and a half. God is using this community to heal my heart - FINALLY!!!!!!
I actually sang worship music today with a full heart- i have been waiting for that to stir up again for a while too.
I love God so much. God knows me so well and touches my leperous heart anyway. God strokes my hair and reads me love poems and whispers sweet nothings into my ears and loves loves loves me - what an honor to have the creator of the universe hold your hand and kiss the nape of your neck.
I am honored to be the bride.
May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, my God - my Rock - my Redeemer.
Soon came along Andrea and Kyle and Jamie and Katrina and Mark and Thies. Wow - this this is growing pretty quick like. I guess I just wanted to let you all know that for the first time in 4 years I looked forward to going to church. Kinda sad considering I worked for churches all in the past four years.
I realize that I am on the recovery from major burn out. You would think that it wouldn't take too long to recover, but apparently it has taken me quite a while.
The great news is that I was beginning to wonder if I would ever be able to go to church again without being nauseus for 3 days after - good news- no sickness in a month and a half. God is using this community to heal my heart - FINALLY!!!!!!
I actually sang worship music today with a full heart- i have been waiting for that to stir up again for a while too.
I love God so much. God knows me so well and touches my leperous heart anyway. God strokes my hair and reads me love poems and whispers sweet nothings into my ears and loves loves loves me - what an honor to have the creator of the universe hold your hand and kiss the nape of your neck.
I am honored to be the bride.
May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, my God - my Rock - my Redeemer.
Friday, February 10
AUDIO BLOG IS HERE!!!!
I totally can call in an blog stuff like leaving a message so weird so cool so will get you in trouble if you play it in class!!!!
Thursday, February 9
Righteousness
so I am in class and I SHOULD NOT be blogging (it is harder for a seminarian to get into heaven...)
Anyway, the point was brought up about righteousness:
Righteousness and self-righteousness are not the same thing.
the Righteous and the Self-Righteous are not equivicated.
hMMMMMM more about that later.
Anyway, the point was brought up about righteousness:
Righteousness and self-righteousness are not the same thing.
the Righteous and the Self-Righteous are not equivicated.
hMMMMMM more about that later.
Wednesday, February 8
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery
I fess up: my favorite photographer is Rachel - Whether she likes it or not. Because she is my favorite, I copy her.
I have found I like taking pictures of beverage containers. Glasses, cups, mugs; with beverage, without, half-full/empty (take your pick), etc.
I am trying to figure out why I like these things so much - there has GOT to be a theology/psychology/spirituality/emotional-ity reason for this.
OOOO- that'll be FUN to figure out - more on THAT later!
In the meantime: have a look-see at my attempts to be as Rad as Rachel. (now THAT is a great name for a band!!!- OOO I love it! oooo! the ideas are just all over the place this morning!!! OOO!!! OOO!!!
Tuesday, February 7
I did it!!!!
For the first time ever I read poetry that I have written in front of people. And I didn't pee my pants! Yes!
Monday, February 6
Sundance
Ok, so I tried like nineteen thousand times to upload some pics from my trip to no avail. (Exaggeration is a beautiful thing idinit?)
Sundance was, as I expected, a wonderful experience. The films were, overall, not as emotionally impactful as last year. Every film I walked out of last year bowled me over with sadness or happiness or fury or whatever. Most films this year produced a lackluster "well, ok."
However, this paved the way for God to do some extremely powerful heart stuff with the film Forgiven.
The story has absolutely NOTHING to do with what is going in my life - it references no personality, no action, no event - nothing! YET, in the midst of that, God saw fit to release in me the knowledge of the unforgivable.
While watching, the painful realization that the unforgivable has happened to me, to all of us, has occurred. Some people have sustained more injury - some have a long, long list of the unforgivable in their lives. Some have been beaten and betrayed by those who were called to be closest to them, some have been denied love and grace by those who preached it. Some have been sacrificed to the lions in order to appease the king of self. All completely unforgivable.
This sounds really harsh - but ya know - it is true and real. We learn from the gospels that Christ says that there is only one unforgivable sin - you know, the HS blasphemy stuff. I think we take this verse and apply it to ourselves and that causes us to deny our own feelings of betrayal and pain. I think Jesus is trying to tell us that there is only one sin that GOD finds unforgivable. But we humans, well, there are a whole hellava lot of sins that we find, or at least I find, unforgivable. And that is actually a good thing.
It is good because until we ADMIT that we feel pained and beaten, until we fess up to the fact that we cannot forgive, until we stand naked in our pissed-offense in front of our Creator, until we relinquish our inability to wash anybody's slate clean, we cannot truly forgive them. I learned that I cannot forgive, I can only allow God to forgive through me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - forgiveness is a vastly more spiritual encounter than we realize.
I felt God tell me it was ok to say out loud to the world, to myself, to my family, to my friends, etc. that I feel they have done the unforgivable.
THEN I am to forgive anyway - rather let go of wanting God to not forgive them - let go of thinking that God did not see.
I learned that forgiveness is not forgiveness until I admit that there is a sacrifice involved. Christ said that it was easy to love those who love us - anyone can do that - but to love those who hate you - to forgive those who do not deserve it - that is true love, deep love, and commitment to God.
I have discovered that I have only thought that I have forgiven people.
Now I can actually let God forgive people, and that lets me forgive people.
I felt the presence of a Father God in that theater: he whooshed through my soul with great grief and asked me to do the unforgivable: to release those who do not deserve to be released.
I guess that means that true forgiveness means releasing those who do not deserve to be released.
I vaguely feel that God really has kept every one of my tears in bottle.
I am sitting on the couch next to a God who sees and is hurting next to me. In this I find great comfort.
Paracaleo.
Sundance was, as I expected, a wonderful experience. The films were, overall, not as emotionally impactful as last year. Every film I walked out of last year bowled me over with sadness or happiness or fury or whatever. Most films this year produced a lackluster "well, ok."
However, this paved the way for God to do some extremely powerful heart stuff with the film Forgiven.
The story has absolutely NOTHING to do with what is going in my life - it references no personality, no action, no event - nothing! YET, in the midst of that, God saw fit to release in me the knowledge of the unforgivable.
While watching, the painful realization that the unforgivable has happened to me, to all of us, has occurred. Some people have sustained more injury - some have a long, long list of the unforgivable in their lives. Some have been beaten and betrayed by those who were called to be closest to them, some have been denied love and grace by those who preached it. Some have been sacrificed to the lions in order to appease the king of self. All completely unforgivable.
This sounds really harsh - but ya know - it is true and real. We learn from the gospels that Christ says that there is only one unforgivable sin - you know, the HS blasphemy stuff. I think we take this verse and apply it to ourselves and that causes us to deny our own feelings of betrayal and pain. I think Jesus is trying to tell us that there is only one sin that GOD finds unforgivable. But we humans, well, there are a whole hellava lot of sins that we find, or at least I find, unforgivable. And that is actually a good thing.
It is good because until we ADMIT that we feel pained and beaten, until we fess up to the fact that we cannot forgive, until we stand naked in our pissed-offense in front of our Creator, until we relinquish our inability to wash anybody's slate clean, we cannot truly forgive them. I learned that I cannot forgive, I can only allow God to forgive through me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - forgiveness is a vastly more spiritual encounter than we realize.
I felt God tell me it was ok to say out loud to the world, to myself, to my family, to my friends, etc. that I feel they have done the unforgivable.
THEN I am to forgive anyway - rather let go of wanting God to not forgive them - let go of thinking that God did not see.
I learned that forgiveness is not forgiveness until I admit that there is a sacrifice involved. Christ said that it was easy to love those who love us - anyone can do that - but to love those who hate you - to forgive those who do not deserve it - that is true love, deep love, and commitment to God.
I have discovered that I have only thought that I have forgiven people.
Now I can actually let God forgive people, and that lets me forgive people.
I felt the presence of a Father God in that theater: he whooshed through my soul with great grief and asked me to do the unforgivable: to release those who do not deserve to be released.
I guess that means that true forgiveness means releasing those who do not deserve to be released.
I vaguely feel that God really has kept every one of my tears in bottle.
I am sitting on the couch next to a God who sees and is hurting next to me. In this I find great comfort.
Paracaleo.
Friday, February 3
Reading
Reading, I sit in the darkish
The light behind me, illuminating dirty black poorly photocopied
Old sad pages
That like macabre twisted farce make me laugh
I hate that I am laughing
Reading, dipped in chocolate information
The light above me, glowing around my chapped fingers
Shaking leaf, am I
A little bit more understanding today than yesterday
I ache that laughing is stilled
Reading, I am in heaven’s palm
The light around me, dim but present, barely touchable –
My cavernous heart
Is weeping gently and longing for God to explain
Why it is not time to laugh yet
Reading, I stop reading
The light from within me glows sundown red-orange-pink
Breaks our horizon, like sunsets, we cannot touch
We can only saturate from a far, far place
What would be lost if too close
My will settles for too far
My soul pines for too close
And I pick up pages
And begin to read again.
The light behind me, illuminating dirty black poorly photocopied
Old sad pages
That like macabre twisted farce make me laugh
I hate that I am laughing
Reading, dipped in chocolate information
The light above me, glowing around my chapped fingers
Shaking leaf, am I
A little bit more understanding today than yesterday
I ache that laughing is stilled
Reading, I am in heaven’s palm
The light around me, dim but present, barely touchable –
My cavernous heart
Is weeping gently and longing for God to explain
Why it is not time to laugh yet
Reading, I stop reading
The light from within me glows sundown red-orange-pink
Breaks our horizon, like sunsets, we cannot touch
We can only saturate from a far, far place
What would be lost if too close
My will settles for too far
My soul pines for too close
And I pick up pages
And begin to read again.
Wednesday, February 1
And then from....
Last night with a good friend proved to be a very healing experience for me.
He read to me Rilke:
And then, from his place of ambush, God lept out.
I have been marinating in that and plan to stay marinating for a while.
I am so thankful for the language of thinkness, for the spell of words that dazzle and draw into heaven's paths. So amazed by the tenderness of breath and teeth and tongue that serve peace and grace.
Words aptly spoken truly are apples of gold in settings of silver.
Thank you, my dear friend. You know who you are.
More on Sundance to come.....
He read to me Rilke:
And then, from his place of ambush, God lept out.
I have been marinating in that and plan to stay marinating for a while.
I am so thankful for the language of thinkness, for the spell of words that dazzle and draw into heaven's paths. So amazed by the tenderness of breath and teeth and tongue that serve peace and grace.
Words aptly spoken truly are apples of gold in settings of silver.
Thank you, my dear friend. You know who you are.
More on Sundance to come.....
Monday, January 23
Sundance
I leave tommorrow for the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah. And, as usual, I have not packed yet or even thought about what I am going to see once I am there. All I know for sure is that it will be an amazing, intense experience, and that I will once again be reminded of how I could do whatever I want to.
This is an interesting dilemma to have: the joy of endless possibilities verses the overwhelming choice of where to go and what to do next.
All this in mind, I think this year I am going to let Sundance happen to me instead of me happening to Sundance like last year. I am going with the express desire to meet people and talk with them about theology and film - to find out what the heck they think about God and spirituality - and to love them with all I am no matter how crappy they are.
Grace in abundance for all!
This is an interesting dilemma to have: the joy of endless possibilities verses the overwhelming choice of where to go and what to do next.
All this in mind, I think this year I am going to let Sundance happen to me instead of me happening to Sundance like last year. I am going with the express desire to meet people and talk with them about theology and film - to find out what the heck they think about God and spirituality - and to love them with all I am no matter how crappy they are.
Grace in abundance for all!
Tuesday, January 17
Dialogue in love
Thanks for the comments on "Land of No". I am grateful that there is freedom to see past sadness, and there is an unusually bright victory in your mind and heart- you are blessed person. (I am a bit envious of your insight!)
Some thoughts:
While it is true that every "NO" has a "YES" somewhere in there, I am not sure it is the "YES" that is automatically infused with the grace of God. Let's face it: WE MAKE MISTAKES. And sometimes (dare I say often?) the mistakes are made out of a desire to do something right.
We say NO when we were supposed to say YES. Plain and simple. God wants us to do one thing, we do another. There is hope down one road, we go down another. These answers, however, are not as plain and simple to discern.
Another thought:
Grieving the loss of potentiality may not be our right. Often it is our own decisions that have brought us to a place of regret, and God's grace does not come without consequences. Any perusal of the Old Testament will bring the realization that the love of God is quite conditional, and since we can never fulfill the conditions, we need Jesus. We enjoy grace because God chooses to give it. To mistake grace for something haphazardly thrown onto our lives (God has to cause he said he would!?) is to forget the intention, deliberation and extreme necessity of the cross. If grace was cheap, Jesus would have stayed alive, the temple would be standing tall, and there would be a lot fewer lambs in the world.
Transformation is not an option, we get it no matter what - the question is what do we want to be transformed to? And how do we know that the "YES" that was shouted from the rooftops is going to change us into light and life? We very well may have dug our own graves.
Does this mean that redemption is impossible? Of course not! What it means is that redemption is VALUABLE and since it is, we must guard it and work out our salvation with fear and trembling.
I guess that is a good example: If I say "NO" to fear, then potentially I have said no to the reality of the terrifying transforming holiness of God.
Perhaps we just all need to say "yes" to going through subtlety. I read somewhere God works there. :)
Some thoughts:
While it is true that every "NO" has a "YES" somewhere in there, I am not sure it is the "YES" that is automatically infused with the grace of God. Let's face it: WE MAKE MISTAKES. And sometimes (dare I say often?) the mistakes are made out of a desire to do something right.
We say NO when we were supposed to say YES. Plain and simple. God wants us to do one thing, we do another. There is hope down one road, we go down another. These answers, however, are not as plain and simple to discern.
Another thought:
Grieving the loss of potentiality may not be our right. Often it is our own decisions that have brought us to a place of regret, and God's grace does not come without consequences. Any perusal of the Old Testament will bring the realization that the love of God is quite conditional, and since we can never fulfill the conditions, we need Jesus. We enjoy grace because God chooses to give it. To mistake grace for something haphazardly thrown onto our lives (God has to cause he said he would!?) is to forget the intention, deliberation and extreme necessity of the cross. If grace was cheap, Jesus would have stayed alive, the temple would be standing tall, and there would be a lot fewer lambs in the world.
Transformation is not an option, we get it no matter what - the question is what do we want to be transformed to? And how do we know that the "YES" that was shouted from the rooftops is going to change us into light and life? We very well may have dug our own graves.
Does this mean that redemption is impossible? Of course not! What it means is that redemption is VALUABLE and since it is, we must guard it and work out our salvation with fear and trembling.
I guess that is a good example: If I say "NO" to fear, then potentially I have said no to the reality of the terrifying transforming holiness of God.
Perhaps we just all need to say "yes" to going through subtlety. I read somewhere God works there. :)
Monday, January 16
The Land of No
Lately I have been venturing through the Land of No. Everywhere I turn there are people saying "NO", places being closed "NO", movies and TV shows teaching the value of "NO". People I love are telling me "NO".
At first I was lackadaisical about the whole thing - if people want to say "NO" to life then oh well for them.
But now, I am just disappointed and hurt. So many things in this life are already bound by "NO" that we don't need to help them. I am beginning to wonder if "NO" is an exuse to not feel the reality of feelings and bear the burden of brokenness. We draw our lines in the sand, we cut our losses, we say goodbye, all in the name of health.
But ya know, sometimes it's the "NO" that is unhealthy. Sometimes you have to go straight into hell and stay there for a while and not run away and say "NO" to "NO".
But, as I am learning, that takes way more courage than most people have.
At first I was lackadaisical about the whole thing - if people want to say "NO" to life then oh well for them.
But now, I am just disappointed and hurt. So many things in this life are already bound by "NO" that we don't need to help them. I am beginning to wonder if "NO" is an exuse to not feel the reality of feelings and bear the burden of brokenness. We draw our lines in the sand, we cut our losses, we say goodbye, all in the name of health.
But ya know, sometimes it's the "NO" that is unhealthy. Sometimes you have to go straight into hell and stay there for a while and not run away and say "NO" to "NO".
But, as I am learning, that takes way more courage than most people have.
Friday, January 6
yet another reason to convert
You get to go to churches like this:
Holy Hill Cathedral outside of Milwakee, WI
The drive to this place is spectacular. From a tiny road you see this awesome church building from five or six miles away. Wow.
Holy Hill Cathedral outside of Milwakee, WI
The drive to this place is spectacular. From a tiny road you see this awesome church building from five or six miles away. Wow.
Thursday, January 5
Reading
So school has begun and so has the reading - only like 250 pages due by Monday! Yes!
While I enjoy reading, what I enjoy even more is finding great little tidbits of universal truth tucked lovingly into very specific contexts. I love this because the author always seems to be making some fantastic point and may honestly believe that what they are writing could only possibly apply to the subject on which they expound.
I found a great one today - long live the forest for the trees!!!!
"A crisis is not necessarily a bad thing. The original meaning of the word has to do with a moment of decision, hence a turning point toward a new direction."
Amen.
While I enjoy reading, what I enjoy even more is finding great little tidbits of universal truth tucked lovingly into very specific contexts. I love this because the author always seems to be making some fantastic point and may honestly believe that what they are writing could only possibly apply to the subject on which they expound.
I found a great one today - long live the forest for the trees!!!!
"A crisis is not necessarily a bad thing. The original meaning of the word has to do with a moment of decision, hence a turning point toward a new direction."
Amen.
Wednesday, January 4
New Year...
It is 2006. I remember being in sixth grade in 1989 (whew!) and thinking "Wow - in the year 2006 I will be 28."
The obvious connection is...
Classes start today for my last quarter at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, CA. I am taking Women, the Bible and the Church with Dr. David Scholar, NT 1:Gospels with Marienne Meye Thompson, and doing my Master's Project.
Oh yeah, I am also finishing an independent study in Theological Anthropology and Revelation of God with Ray Anderson. So -- big ass quarter. Oh, and another thing, I have a BF to keep track of, although I really think he actually hates the notion of either of us keeping track of each other and he probably wouldn't even care if I lost track of him, and that is a good thing even though at first it doesn't sound like it.
And the most important thing: my family is, well, exploding. But all good things must come to end I suppose.
I am not looking forard to the stress associated with school and work but it all gets chalked up to experience. Ce la vie.
I hope to have more news later with more enjoyable things to say. For now though, reality bites.
I guess a picture will brighten the mood:
friends last quarter at Desiree's DJ Bash with the AA studies department. Fun was had by all.
The obvious connection is...
Classes start today for my last quarter at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, CA. I am taking Women, the Bible and the Church with Dr. David Scholar, NT 1:Gospels with Marienne Meye Thompson, and doing my Master's Project.
Oh yeah, I am also finishing an independent study in Theological Anthropology and Revelation of God with Ray Anderson. So -- big ass quarter. Oh, and another thing, I have a BF to keep track of, although I really think he actually hates the notion of either of us keeping track of each other and he probably wouldn't even care if I lost track of him, and that is a good thing even though at first it doesn't sound like it.
And the most important thing: my family is, well, exploding. But all good things must come to end I suppose.
I am not looking forard to the stress associated with school and work but it all gets chalked up to experience. Ce la vie.
I hope to have more news later with more enjoyable things to say. For now though, reality bites.
I guess a picture will brighten the mood:
friends last quarter at Desiree's DJ Bash with the AA studies department. Fun was had by all.
Thursday, December 15
'Tis the season ramblings
So, Xmas is around the corner; I don't know about you but I am NOT ready! I still have perfect presents to purchase (like my alliteration?). I am not so much in the usual spirit of Christmas this year - Christmas is different this year. Maybe I am just tired. Really tired. Yesterday, Prez Mouw (Or maybe it was Provosts Lingenfelter?) gave a little speechy thing at the staff Xmas party for Fuller. He mentioned that this year has been a bad year for humanity.
This is true:
Tsunami
Hurricane
Earthquakes
Monsoons
Rosa Parks, Announcer Bill, Myung Jin, Linda's Dad AND son, Richard Pryor, Ben's friend - all passed on
Bombings
War
Anger
All this and more in the last twelve months.
So Christmas is different this year.
This year, I am not thinking about family and friends and joy.
This year, I am looking not at birth - I am looking at myself - very, very pregnant.
This year has been about morning sickness, contractions, breaking water and birthing pains. This year has been about Mary being young and virgin and doubted and scorned and unbelieved and untrusted.
This year has been the icy chill of the night air on fresh baby skin and the stink of manure and animal sweat.
So what do we do? Do we shed toiled tears? I know I do.
I wish I could live in this misery, to hover lustfully in melancholy, but the crying Jesus does not allow me. I desire to be hurt; pissed even, at this God who loves me perfectly because my perfect is not God's perfect. But I cannot. I cannot be damned.
It is through this thorny labor that God is asking me if Christmas was ever meant to be about joy and hope and good for joy and hope and good's sake. It is through the agony of doubled over cramping that Christ is wondering of me where mercy - true, universal, precious mercy - is. Teenage Jesus is playing catch with me, lobbing me baseballs of muse: "Is giving birth worth the pain? Is the life worth the labor?" and I keep missing easy tosses.
I am dropping the ball.
And in his eyes I see the patience of my earthy father when at the schoolyard I could not hit far enough to make brother Ben run.
In his face I see my mother's tear-red cheeks - the disappointment of unconditional love betrayed – unwilling to let go of me.
Uh oh.
New conceptions are afoot –
Could it be that (?!)
Joy isn’t happiness, it is thankfulness so deep that it feels obligatory?
Hope isn’t wishing, it is a soul crying out (demanding maybe?) for the beginning of life outside of womb?
Good isn’t nice, it is just rightness and justice and wholeness brought through the twinge of hard, hard work.
My friends, this year Christmas is very different.
This year Christmas is undeserved and unlovely.
This year Christmas is expensive. It is the reminder of costly, costly grace.
This is true:
Tsunami
Hurricane
Earthquakes
Monsoons
Rosa Parks, Announcer Bill, Myung Jin, Linda's Dad AND son, Richard Pryor, Ben's friend - all passed on
Bombings
War
Anger
All this and more in the last twelve months.
So Christmas is different this year.
This year, I am not thinking about family and friends and joy.
This year, I am looking not at birth - I am looking at myself - very, very pregnant.
This year has been about morning sickness, contractions, breaking water and birthing pains. This year has been about Mary being young and virgin and doubted and scorned and unbelieved and untrusted.
This year has been the icy chill of the night air on fresh baby skin and the stink of manure and animal sweat.
So what do we do? Do we shed toiled tears? I know I do.
I wish I could live in this misery, to hover lustfully in melancholy, but the crying Jesus does not allow me. I desire to be hurt; pissed even, at this God who loves me perfectly because my perfect is not God's perfect. But I cannot. I cannot be damned.
It is through this thorny labor that God is asking me if Christmas was ever meant to be about joy and hope and good for joy and hope and good's sake. It is through the agony of doubled over cramping that Christ is wondering of me where mercy - true, universal, precious mercy - is. Teenage Jesus is playing catch with me, lobbing me baseballs of muse: "Is giving birth worth the pain? Is the life worth the labor?" and I keep missing easy tosses.
I am dropping the ball.
And in his eyes I see the patience of my earthy father when at the schoolyard I could not hit far enough to make brother Ben run.
In his face I see my mother's tear-red cheeks - the disappointment of unconditional love betrayed – unwilling to let go of me.
Uh oh.
New conceptions are afoot –
Could it be that (?!)
Joy isn’t happiness, it is thankfulness so deep that it feels obligatory?
Hope isn’t wishing, it is a soul crying out (demanding maybe?) for the beginning of life outside of womb?
Good isn’t nice, it is just rightness and justice and wholeness brought through the twinge of hard, hard work.
My friends, this year Christmas is very different.
This year Christmas is undeserved and unlovely.
This year Christmas is expensive. It is the reminder of costly, costly grace.
Tuesday, December 6
some external processing for you
There is always so much to say and never enough energy to actually say it- in writing that is. I realize that I come with these great little thoughts and jot them down in my journal and then, since its all spilled out already, I don't have enough emotional motivation to get it here on the blog-o-licious.
My friend Dave had a beautiful b-day party on Saturday night. At one point we were discussing the necessary ingredients for artistic creativity to occur:
1. Inspiration
2. Time
3. Energy
Dave has discovered that if all three are not present, then nary an art project is to be found. I find myself in the same boat as Dave.
- I sit at the piano, composition book in tow; not a single note will grace the page.
- I sit in Peet's Coffee studying frantically, writing like the wind a paper due last yesterday Monday morning and a symphony popcorns in my ears.
- I sit on my bed, eyes wearily glazed but time flowing freely, and lyrics chug like a freight train through my thoughts.
It has been a long time since I wrote a good song. It's been a long time since I have written a good anything. I guess I am thinking about it since my computer's operating system crashed last week the night before my final paper in Spirituality and Everyday Life was due and I have none of what I was getting back to (eventually, right?) left. I suppose it is a lesson in taking your own giftings for granted.
I buried my talents deep in "desktop" file folders and "my documents" bins, only to have it be disheveled and destroyed by time and inadequate technology. This, I guess you are thinking, is wonderful! It has spurred me toward re-creating life and reusing talents for good.
Actually, the only thing it has spurred is my desire to buy a new computer. I'm getting a MAC.
You know, you need to be careful what you say - cuz God hears this stuff. The computer thing is case in point. Like three weeks ago, I mentioned to BF Paul that I couldn't wait till my computer crashed so I could buy a MAC.
'Nuff said.
My friend Dave had a beautiful b-day party on Saturday night. At one point we were discussing the necessary ingredients for artistic creativity to occur:
1. Inspiration
2. Time
3. Energy
Dave has discovered that if all three are not present, then nary an art project is to be found. I find myself in the same boat as Dave.
- I sit at the piano, composition book in tow; not a single note will grace the page.
- I sit in Peet's Coffee studying frantically, writing like the wind a paper due last yesterday Monday morning and a symphony popcorns in my ears.
- I sit on my bed, eyes wearily glazed but time flowing freely, and lyrics chug like a freight train through my thoughts.
It has been a long time since I wrote a good song. It's been a long time since I have written a good anything. I guess I am thinking about it since my computer's operating system crashed last week the night before my final paper in Spirituality and Everyday Life was due and I have none of what I was getting back to (eventually, right?) left. I suppose it is a lesson in taking your own giftings for granted.
I buried my talents deep in "desktop" file folders and "my documents" bins, only to have it be disheveled and destroyed by time and inadequate technology. This, I guess you are thinking, is wonderful! It has spurred me toward re-creating life and reusing talents for good.
Actually, the only thing it has spurred is my desire to buy a new computer. I'm getting a MAC.
You know, you need to be careful what you say - cuz God hears this stuff. The computer thing is case in point. Like three weeks ago, I mentioned to BF Paul that I couldn't wait till my computer crashed so I could buy a MAC.
'Nuff said.
Tuesday, November 29
Thanksgiving...
I spent Thanksgiving in WISCONSIN. That is so weird. BUT I had never seen a great lake before and I must say, Lake Michigan is quite beautiful. I was informed by my hostess that, technically, the great lakes are not really lakes at all, but "large freshwater seas". SO - here is a pic of Large Freshwater Sea Michigan from the sitting room of my buddy Hillary's parents home
I also "enjoyed" over 45 hours in the seated position either in a plane or car in a period of 4 days. Boo. My butt is killing me.
In the plane (because really you are not ON the plane, you are in it) I was graced to read American Way the American Airlines Sky Mag. This was nothing less than disturbing. At first I though the most disturbing thing was an ad for luxury condos that haven't even been built yet in Las Vegas.
But then I saw this.
Wow.
I also "enjoyed" over 45 hours in the seated position either in a plane or car in a period of 4 days. Boo. My butt is killing me.
In the plane (because really you are not ON the plane, you are in it) I was graced to read American Way the American Airlines Sky Mag. This was nothing less than disturbing. At first I though the most disturbing thing was an ad for luxury condos that haven't even been built yet in Las Vegas.
But then I saw this.
Wow.
Tuesday, November 15
I took this stupid test because I like stupid tests. Check out my answers then, by golly, do it yourself!!!!
| The Keys to Your Heart |
 You are attracted to obedience and warmth. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
Can YOU pass eighth grade math??????
| You Passed 8th Grade Math |
 |
So Strange....
There are lots of things that I am finding strange lately. For example:
Why do they sell golf balls with Baseball team logos on them? What is it that makes golf and baseball peacefully coexist?
I think it's just another marketing scam. Damn those Yankees.
Why do they sell golf balls with Baseball team logos on them? What is it that makes golf and baseball peacefully coexist?
I think it's just another marketing scam. Damn those Yankees.
Wednesday, November 9
Believe me Ariel...
When Ariel Sings
When Ariel sings the music pierces souls and magnifies the Creator
So close we can smell Her and Him and Son and Spirit
When Ariel cries the tears are a potion bottled and set upon the Creators
Shelf, and is used as a Pensieve for the angels
When Ariel laughs fairies are born and children are raised from the dead and beauty returns to center
When Ariel prays the heavens cease movement.
God harkens.
God stops.
God shushes the playing kingdom and demands attention be paid.
When Ariel sleeps the One does not.
When Ariel doubts the One believes.
When Ariel is weak the One is strong.
When Ariel introspects she sees mud and filth and blood and yuck and muck and asks
“Why?!
Why?!
Why?!!!?!?!?!”
And Creator answers:
“When Ariel sings the music pierces the soul
And magnifies Me
And I am so close, so very close.”
And many can taste Creator One: Her and Him and Son and Spirit.
When Ariel sings the music pierces souls and magnifies the Creator
So close we can smell Her and Him and Son and Spirit
When Ariel cries the tears are a potion bottled and set upon the Creators
Shelf, and is used as a Pensieve for the angels
When Ariel laughs fairies are born and children are raised from the dead and beauty returns to center
When Ariel prays the heavens cease movement.
God harkens.
God stops.
God shushes the playing kingdom and demands attention be paid.
When Ariel sleeps the One does not.
When Ariel doubts the One believes.
When Ariel is weak the One is strong.
When Ariel introspects she sees mud and filth and blood and yuck and muck and asks
“Why?!
Why?!
Why?!!!?!?!?!”
And Creator answers:
“When Ariel sings the music pierces the soul
And magnifies Me
And I am so close, so very close.”
And many can taste Creator One: Her and Him and Son and Spirit.
Wednesday, November 2
Maria loves me and tells me this...
The LORD will hold you in his hands for all to see--a splendid crown in the hands of God.
Never again will you be called the Godforsaken City or the Desolate Land. Your new name will be the City of God's Delight and the Bride of God, for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his own.
Is. 62:3-4
thank you Maria
Never again will you be called the Godforsaken City or the Desolate Land. Your new name will be the City of God's Delight and the Bride of God, for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his own.
Is. 62:3-4
thank you Maria
Tuesday, November 1
Being present for the present
I have had the realization over the past couple days that I have no idea how to be present in the present. I am always thinking of "what just happened" or "what lies ahead." I hate that!!! I wasn't quite convinced that I was so terrible at living for the moment, so I decided to take a "thought inventory" over the past couple days.
I did not censor my thoughts, I took note of them. Sadly, a good 90% of them had nothing to do with what I was actually doing. They strayed to the lands of "what if?" and "one time at band camp..." more times than actually staying put right in the middle of "wherever I go there I am." Instead of feeling sad, I fantasized situations that would make me feel better, instead of being thankful, I remembered times I had nothing, instead of being happy, I feared what it would be like to be unhappy again.
I think now I am really beginning to understand a couple of spiritual concepts that seem so simple:
1. Do not worry about tommorrow, for tommorrow will take care of itself. Who can add a hour to their life by worrying? Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, with prayer and thanksgiving make your requests known to God, and the peace of God (note this is not MY peace, but God's!) will guard your heart.
2. Mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. Love your neighbor as yourself. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. (I can't do nothin' for no one if I ain't got no clue where I'm at in the first place.)
I encourage all people to do this for a day. It totally screwed me up! It's great!
Chris told me a couple days ago that you can't sacrifice yourself if you don't know who you are. You can't sacrifice what you never owned.
Mary Engelbriet was right the whole time:
I did not censor my thoughts, I took note of them. Sadly, a good 90% of them had nothing to do with what I was actually doing. They strayed to the lands of "what if?" and "one time at band camp..." more times than actually staying put right in the middle of "wherever I go there I am." Instead of feeling sad, I fantasized situations that would make me feel better, instead of being thankful, I remembered times I had nothing, instead of being happy, I feared what it would be like to be unhappy again.
I think now I am really beginning to understand a couple of spiritual concepts that seem so simple:
1. Do not worry about tommorrow, for tommorrow will take care of itself. Who can add a hour to their life by worrying? Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, with prayer and thanksgiving make your requests known to God, and the peace of God (note this is not MY peace, but God's!) will guard your heart.
2. Mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. Love your neighbor as yourself. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. (I can't do nothin' for no one if I ain't got no clue where I'm at in the first place.)
I encourage all people to do this for a day. It totally screwed me up! It's great!
Chris told me a couple days ago that you can't sacrifice yourself if you don't know who you are. You can't sacrifice what you never owned.
Mary Engelbriet was right the whole time:
Thursday, October 27
I know it is true.
Last year at my bday, girlfriend Paige read aloud to the my party this poem. It was her gift to me, about me. Later that year, Chris bought the book form of it for me.
Today, I own it. I believe it. I embrace that this poem really is about me.
I am no longer worried about what others think - am I self-absorbed? Am I full of the pride of life?
Oh, I think not. I think those are labels that are put on women, all people actually, who know themselves. Jealousy and envy force the insecure to maul and misconstrue the securities in others.
When I am weak, oh Lord, I am strong. You have made me strong. You have made me the phenomenal women I am. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - I have the mind of Christ. I am not a puppet on God's string, God is not my Professor Higgins.
I am a promise, I am a work of art, I am a symphony - I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am wholly other from my creator, yet everything I am is defined by my creator.
And you are too. Read and believe, my sisters. Read and believe.
Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman, That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me, A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman, That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman, That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman, That's me.
Today, I own it. I believe it. I embrace that this poem really is about me.
I am no longer worried about what others think - am I self-absorbed? Am I full of the pride of life?
Oh, I think not. I think those are labels that are put on women, all people actually, who know themselves. Jealousy and envy force the insecure to maul and misconstrue the securities in others.
When I am weak, oh Lord, I am strong. You have made me strong. You have made me the phenomenal women I am. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - I have the mind of Christ. I am not a puppet on God's string, God is not my Professor Higgins.
I am a promise, I am a work of art, I am a symphony - I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am wholly other from my creator, yet everything I am is defined by my creator.
And you are too. Read and believe, my sisters. Read and believe.
Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman, That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me, A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman, That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman, That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman, That's me.
Tuesday, October 25
so much loss
Friends - it is the end of an era. Rosa Parks, age 92, passed away at her home in Detroit last night.
I am learning a new level of sorrow over that last couple weeks. So many people have died that have influenced my life. Some helped build my environment from afar - they helped build the color of life - baseball, civil rights, hope, some goodness in the world. Others helped build my heart - worship, friendship, pain and struggle.
Heart hurts.
I am learning a new level of sorrow over that last couple weeks. So many people have died that have influenced my life. Some helped build my environment from afar - they helped build the color of life - baseball, civil rights, hope, some goodness in the world. Others helped build my heart - worship, friendship, pain and struggle.
Heart hurts.
Thursday, October 20
With Sorrow
Bill King, announcer for the Oakland Athletics, died yesterday.
His voice will forever ring in my ears as a thread to my youth, my family, my culture.
Rest in Peace Bill - and up in heaven -
Play ball.
His voice will forever ring in my ears as a thread to my youth, my family, my culture.
Rest in Peace Bill - and up in heaven -
Play ball.
Tuesday, October 18
Be still my heart...
be still my heart
sit down my soul
come over and rest
perhaps be made whole
be not afraid
of this journey ahead
yes, the road rocky
fight on, instead
look to the mountain
for a help, for a touch
aware that your fearing
it's all too much
you will be ripped open
oh soul, you will cry
oh broken spirit
you'll wish you could die
you will wish for an end
to the torture and pain
you will weep for forgiveness
you'll feel crushed, insane -
even lonely and tired
and lost in the dark
own it and be it
don't shy from the mark
of a scar on your being
of the slice of the knife
that cuts out the tumors
invading your life
be still my heart
be brave my soul
embrace all of you
and in time -
be made whole
sit down my soul
come over and rest
perhaps be made whole
be not afraid
of this journey ahead
yes, the road rocky
fight on, instead
look to the mountain
for a help, for a touch
aware that your fearing
it's all too much
you will be ripped open
oh soul, you will cry
oh broken spirit
you'll wish you could die
you will wish for an end
to the torture and pain
you will weep for forgiveness
you'll feel crushed, insane -
even lonely and tired
and lost in the dark
own it and be it
don't shy from the mark
of a scar on your being
of the slice of the knife
that cuts out the tumors
invading your life
be still my heart
be brave my soul
embrace all of you
and in time -
be made whole
Wednesday, October 12
On Bruce Sutter...
On the greatness of relief pitcher Bruce Sutter - the man who had over 40 saves in 1984 and won the NL Rolaids Relief Award in 1979, 1981, 1982 and 1984 - Hank Greenwald (SF Giants broadcaster) replied:
"Three more saves and he ties John the Baptist."
Don't ever tell me there isn't theology in Baseball.
"Three more saves and he ties John the Baptist."
Don't ever tell me there isn't theology in Baseball.
Tuesday, October 11
Blast Open My Heart
Oh shucks. It's that special time again. Spiritual angioplasty.
Until an awesome time with MommaGod on Saturday morning I:
- Took too much responsibility for other peoples feelings.
- "Protected" people from pain, ultimately because I want to be protected from pain.
- Had not given myself permission to date. If I don't date, I won't hurt my single women friends. They won't be sad or lonely or jealous. Sorry girls - it's on - I'm dating whether you like it or not.
Speaking of permission: I give myself permission to be me all the time and actually do what I want to do and feel what I need to feel.
I give myself permission to not be who I was before Saturday morning.
Amen, MommaGod, Amen
Until an awesome time with MommaGod on Saturday morning I:
- Took too much responsibility for other peoples feelings.
- "Protected" people from pain, ultimately because I want to be protected from pain.
- Had not given myself permission to date. If I don't date, I won't hurt my single women friends. They won't be sad or lonely or jealous. Sorry girls - it's on - I'm dating whether you like it or not.
Speaking of permission: I give myself permission to be me all the time and actually do what I want to do and feel what I need to feel.
I give myself permission to not be who I was before Saturday morning.
Amen, MommaGod, Amen
Have to Verify
So I turned on this thing that makes you word verify your comments because I keep getting all these stupid spam comments! FIE!!!! Sorry for the inconvenience, not sorry for the getting rid of spam
Wednesday, October 5
Headshots! Yeah!
I got the link to the headshots that Cory Anderson took for me. WARNING! WARNING! Some of these are pretty bad, as headshots usually consist of snapping, snapping, snapping as you are talking, talking, talking. Tell me your favorites!!!!!! I need to pick one to print out to use for about 9 months. I am expecting comments here folks! Linkage:
http://www.candersonphotography.com/HeadShots/markwart/
http://www.candersonphotography.com/HeadShots/markwart/
Friday, September 30
Rachel influences yet again
got this link from www.b109.com (rachel) she always finds the cool stuff -
http://www.bostonmagazine.com/music
http://www.bostonmagazine.com/music
Just for Rachel...
Rachel - these pictures are per your request - I love you!!!!
The BatLeaf! nananananananana nananananananana - BAATLEEEEEF, BAATLEEEEEF, BAATLEEF!
41 Grove St. Boston MA on Beacon Hill. My parents first place ever. Hmmmm, I love it.
What?????? The pond is closed??????
Sad for frog!!!!
The BatLeaf! nananananananana nananananananana - BAATLEEEEEF, BAATLEEEEEF, BAATLEEF!
41 Grove St. Boston MA on Beacon Hill. My parents first place ever. Hmmmm, I love it.
What?????? The pond is closed??????
Sad for frog!!!!
Tuesday, September 27
Barely Survived
Loiusa May Allcot dolls at her place in Concord, MA. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to hang around like this with your buddies? I guess you can if you like rock climbing!It's true - I almost died on Friday night of exhaustion and embarrassment. Firstly, I was grumpy because half the sound equipment decided to not work during the concert, and secondly, I totally screwed up and stopped my dancer-friend Amber from finishing her dance because I hit the stop button too soon. I suck, Amber forgave me, but I still kinda feel stupid.
oh well- just another lesson in undeserved grace.
My work schedule changed dramatically this quarter and I now work 4 days a week, which is annoying but necessary. Gotta pay off those bills!
Went to a joint birthday party for my friends Jeff and Adam - HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEN!!! - last Saturday. Had a fabulous time for more than one reason ;)
I am looking forward to getting my headshots back next week and picking out a good one. Also looking forward to another trip to Disneyland soon.
God makes the weirdest things.
Friday, September 23
New School year
Welcome week is just about over and tonight is the big kick-off "party" for the school. I get to work a 12 hour day today! Wahoo! Maybe this will help pay off my vacation!
I think this quarter is going to be really good for my soul. As Sarah Groves sings, "it's been a hard year, but I'm pulling out of the rubble."
Mom and Dad are buying me headshots for my birthday - I am getting them done by my friend and pro photographer Cory Anderson. I'll get his website info up on a link later.
Sooooo - Sunday night at 5:30 pm - what is known as "the magic hour" in film - when the light is perfect, right before sunset, is my appt. SO EXCITED!
Anyway, lots of cool bros and sis's to be had this year, and lots of new life sprouting in between the cracks. (lots of music references today - hmmmm)
I promise more photos soon. As soon as I figure out what rachel meant in her comment to me!
On another note, the reading of the Harry Potter is going well. I have 8 more chapters in book 5 "The Order of the Phoenix" left, which means I would have achieved my goal of reading 1-5 in the month before school starts. I look forward to the November (?) release of movie 4, especially because I want to see what they include and cut out for the sake of time.
I saw a great bumper sticker: Republicans for Voldemort.
I think this quarter is going to be really good for my soul. As Sarah Groves sings, "it's been a hard year, but I'm pulling out of the rubble."
Mom and Dad are buying me headshots for my birthday - I am getting them done by my friend and pro photographer Cory Anderson. I'll get his website info up on a link later.
Sooooo - Sunday night at 5:30 pm - what is known as "the magic hour" in film - when the light is perfect, right before sunset, is my appt. SO EXCITED!
Anyway, lots of cool bros and sis's to be had this year, and lots of new life sprouting in between the cracks. (lots of music references today - hmmmm)
I promise more photos soon. As soon as I figure out what rachel meant in her comment to me!
On another note, the reading of the Harry Potter is going well. I have 8 more chapters in book 5 "The Order of the Phoenix" left, which means I would have achieved my goal of reading 1-5 in the month before school starts. I look forward to the November (?) release of movie 4, especially because I want to see what they include and cut out for the sake of time.
I saw a great bumper sticker: Republicans for Voldemort.
Friday, September 16
I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaack!
Okeedokee - here I am! back from the FABULOUSO trip to the east coast (check it out NOW! at www.tinkandarielgoeast.blogspot.com) and I am ready for the updatage on life. When last we met our heroine, she was deeply distressed over the lifestyle continuation on her vacation! She was rueing her decision to go east, merely because of the fear of failing to keep up with her weight loss journey!
Well, she is back, and after the dreaded vacation, after 3 pieces of carrot cake (at least), after 2 Cinnanon muffins, yes, even after FULL FAT ICE CREAM (gasp!!!)- she has returned triumphant in her call!
I LOST 5.2 POUNDS ON VACATION!!!!!! WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MY new weight as of last night? 193.2. I have NEVER weighed this in my adult life. NEVER. My freshman year of high school I was 210. by my senior year I was 250. At age 21 I was up to 280, lost 80 pounds and hung out between 200-210 for about 6 months. I think I weighed 195 for about a week - but never less than that.
Here I am at age 28, with both the will and the Way to walk in health and I weigh less now than in high school. This is really important to me.
total pounds lost so far: 79.2!
pics from vay-kay:
This is my Mommy's brother, Uncle Tom, my Aunt Barb, and Cous Kris (one of three - Cous Joe is in Mesa, AZ and Cous Jeff is at college) I guess I like the "stand-there-and-smile-like-a-goofball" pose, since I made everyone do it. Sorry, fam.
Well, she is back, and after the dreaded vacation, after 3 pieces of carrot cake (at least), after 2 Cinnanon muffins, yes, even after FULL FAT ICE CREAM (gasp!!!)- she has returned triumphant in her call!
I LOST 5.2 POUNDS ON VACATION!!!!!! WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MY new weight as of last night? 193.2. I have NEVER weighed this in my adult life. NEVER. My freshman year of high school I was 210. by my senior year I was 250. At age 21 I was up to 280, lost 80 pounds and hung out between 200-210 for about 6 months. I think I weighed 195 for about a week - but never less than that.
Here I am at age 28, with both the will and the Way to walk in health and I weigh less now than in high school. This is really important to me.
total pounds lost so far: 79.2!
pics from vay-kay:
This is my Mommy's brother, Uncle Tom, my Aunt Barb, and Cous Kris (one of three - Cous Joe is in Mesa, AZ and Cous Jeff is at college) I guess I like the "stand-there-and-smile-like-a-goofball" pose, since I made everyone do it. Sorry, fam.
Friday, August 26
If only my love was 39 pounds
Last Saturday my friend Justin and I went to the world premiere of new independent film 39 Pounds of Love. PLEASE check it out. Cute, funny, moving and beautifully made. You gotta see it.
Check it out at:
http://39poundsoflove.com/main.html
Check it out at:
http://39poundsoflove.com/main.html
Thursday, August 25
Good Music
This is my friend Brad. Brad makes good music. You should give a listen.
Link below and to the right.
http://www.underthethreshold.com/musicaudio.htm
Wednesday, August 24
On a completely different topic...
Just bought a new digital camera and am going to attempt to "picturcord" my upcoming road trip to the East Coast with my wonderful friend, Jenn (AKA Jennwith2ns, Ariel, Turtle, or - my personal favorite - Hot Momma). Here is Jenn ( I love this pic of her - she is so cute! Her eyes match her shirt PERFECT!) and an example of the first attempts at packing. I figure I will TRY to pack for 5 days worth even though the trip is 18 days. I am chalking it up to backpacking/triathalon preparation - where less is best. Who wants to carry 75lbs when you could carry 50lbs instead? If I wanted to carry an extra 75 lbs - I would never have joined WW!!!
interesting
Here is me today at work, and with my friend/coworker Jim. I have a lot of friends named Jim. Weird. WOW- I look almost as tired as I feel (up at 4:45am today for swim train - did I tell you I am in training for a triathalon!?)
This is about 9 months after my journey began. I weigh 198.
At my first weigh in, I was at 272.4. That was December 30th, 2004 - but I just say I started January 1st, 2005. This wasn't a new year's resolution, it's just that Jan 1 is an easy day to remember. I am the girl who didn't remember her anniversary with her last long-term boyfriend. Probably one of the reasons we broke up ;).
Visit with Gram
So, this is my Gram and my mom and myself. I think I weigh about 235, down 3osome lbs. I can't remember exactly when she came to visit- April 20something. I leave on August 27th, 2005 to see her (Gram) in PA - I will be about 40 lbs lighter than last time I saw her. That'll be neat. I still don't really see that much of a difference, but that is why my WW leader wanted me to make a progress board!
That's not all true. I see it in my face. I would like to see it in my butt more though- why can't my body shrink too????!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?
Journey of a hundred pounds?
One more just to prove that I wasn't kidding. Me and my parents out to breakfast with my friend Justin (who is taking the pic).
Tuesday, August 23
it would be funny if it weren't so true
oh my...is it true? Yes, friends, it is: Me at Tre's birthday last year. That was 5/29/04. I weight about 275 here. The pic below is with a buddy of mine, James.
This was 7 months before my Journey began.
Wednesday, June 8
A journey of a thousand miles...
...begins with one step so they say. And that is the story of Vernal Falls.
please note: you get a sneak peak at what I'm thinking in the italics
Episode IV: A New Hope
The days of May 19th-22nd proved to be the hurricane rather than the eye I was looking forward to. After a good weigh-in, a scramble to re-pack the car, a heart-felt conversation about being a grown up and self-care(inflicted by me to another), another car re-pack, an almost too slow pick-up of a terribly laid back friend, and yet another re-pack, four friends were on their way to Yosemite National Park to meet two others that were waiting for us.
After a 2:30am arrival, we slept and arose to tackle hiking on a beautiful Friday morning. Sophie found us a "moderate" hike and suggests that we all do a moderate hike and then we split up so that I could do an easy hike and the super-athletes could do a strenuos hike.
Great! I can't begin to think about doing a strenous hike! My friends are rad about taking my un-fit but into account. I am so embarrassed. Oh, well. I'm used to it.
So we head toward Vernal Falls.
Moderate was a good description of the 3/4 mile up/down/up/up/up/up/down trot to the bottom of the falls, where we met a small bridge and felt a light mist occasionally cool our bare flesh.
"The top of the falls is only another 3/4 mile - and besides, this is a moderate hike"
For 1/4 mile we climb steeply to a fork in the road. My heart is pumping pretty hard, but I am not in pain. My legs are tired. I hate being out of shape. Good thing I'm loosing weight. A small sea has formed in the small of back and around my neck from the salt-water spring that is my forehead I am so gross:
A sign:
Nevada Falls -->
Vernal Falls: go up
Genius girl (yeah, that's me) announces that she wants to go to the top. This is only a moderate - I can do a moderate right?
The others shrug and start up what quickly becomes the hardest hike most of us have experienced including the athletes. why is this so hard? what am I thinking? what am doing?
The last 1/2 mile is 600 granite steps of various shapes and sizes with a literal shower of Falls spray attacking like little darts.
The first step finds me looking up a massive wall of granite, soaked with icecold melt off.
Ok, I can do this - just take it slow. My confidence is building. I feel good. I can do this. I can do this.
My leg raises to connect with the first step, and suddenly this is no longer a hike up a fall.
It is a battle for the rest of my life.
More to come...
please note: you get a sneak peak at what I'm thinking in the italics
Episode IV: A New Hope
The days of May 19th-22nd proved to be the hurricane rather than the eye I was looking forward to. After a good weigh-in, a scramble to re-pack the car, a heart-felt conversation about being a grown up and self-care(inflicted by me to another), another car re-pack, an almost too slow pick-up of a terribly laid back friend, and yet another re-pack, four friends were on their way to Yosemite National Park to meet two others that were waiting for us.
After a 2:30am arrival, we slept and arose to tackle hiking on a beautiful Friday morning. Sophie found us a "moderate" hike and suggests that we all do a moderate hike and then we split up so that I could do an easy hike and the super-athletes could do a strenuos hike.
Great! I can't begin to think about doing a strenous hike! My friends are rad about taking my un-fit but into account. I am so embarrassed. Oh, well. I'm used to it.
So we head toward Vernal Falls.
Moderate was a good description of the 3/4 mile up/down/up/up/up/up/down trot to the bottom of the falls, where we met a small bridge and felt a light mist occasionally cool our bare flesh.
"The top of the falls is only another 3/4 mile - and besides, this is a moderate hike"
For 1/4 mile we climb steeply to a fork in the road. My heart is pumping pretty hard, but I am not in pain. My legs are tired. I hate being out of shape. Good thing I'm loosing weight. A small sea has formed in the small of back and around my neck from the salt-water spring that is my forehead I am so gross:
A sign:
Nevada Falls -->
Vernal Falls: go up
Genius girl (yeah, that's me) announces that she wants to go to the top. This is only a moderate - I can do a moderate right?
The others shrug and start up what quickly becomes the hardest hike most of us have experienced including the athletes. why is this so hard? what am I thinking? what am doing?
The last 1/2 mile is 600 granite steps of various shapes and sizes with a literal shower of Falls spray attacking like little darts.
The first step finds me looking up a massive wall of granite, soaked with icecold melt off.
Ok, I can do this - just take it slow. My confidence is building. I feel good. I can do this. I can do this.
My leg raises to connect with the first step, and suddenly this is no longer a hike up a fall.
It is a battle for the rest of my life.
More to come...
Monday, June 6
Embarrassing
So I decided to go on this hike that I went on last summer with my buddy Eric. Last summer I was totally out of breath, unable to make it to the top without stopping 8bazillion times, and really hurting the next day.
I thought that I would go and prove to myself that after all this freaking hard work, I could make it up the dumb mountain without stopping; that I would conquer this heckof hard hike after all.
SO, I start out at 10:40 yesterday morning at the trailhead. By 11:50 I was sitting on a rock past the peak and looking at a blanket (crazy-cool - it looked EXACTLY like a blanket) of clouds covering the Tri-Valley. And I wasn't even breathing hard.
The thing is, I am totally embarrassed. Seriously folks, this, honestly, was an easy hike: slight incline for .5 mile, flatish for about a mile, kinda steep incline on switchbacks for .25 mile. Yes, yes: any human will have sweat and heavier breathing ensue, but not that much. It was the weirdest mix of emotions I have had so far with this health journey - I was glad that I hiked, but terribly shamed that I couldn't do it before.
My Dad tried to cheer me up by telling me to "rejoice in the fact that I saw a significant improvement in my cardiovascular function." Thanks Dad.
You always see the healthy side of life.
Several other friends are like "great job" and "you did it" and that is rad, but I still have this horrible feeling that I should have been able to do it in the first place.
I guess I had a reality check: I was really, really, really, really unfit. Really.
I don't think I ever realized exactly how unfit I was.
Wow, there's a dose of mortality for you. Rather, for me.
Well, enough of that. Next weekend looks like a hike up to the Hollywood sign. Hopefully I will remember to bring my camera for once.
I thought that I would go and prove to myself that after all this freaking hard work, I could make it up the dumb mountain without stopping; that I would conquer this heckof hard hike after all.
SO, I start out at 10:40 yesterday morning at the trailhead. By 11:50 I was sitting on a rock past the peak and looking at a blanket (crazy-cool - it looked EXACTLY like a blanket) of clouds covering the Tri-Valley. And I wasn't even breathing hard.
The thing is, I am totally embarrassed. Seriously folks, this, honestly, was an easy hike: slight incline for .5 mile, flatish for about a mile, kinda steep incline on switchbacks for .25 mile. Yes, yes: any human will have sweat and heavier breathing ensue, but not that much. It was the weirdest mix of emotions I have had so far with this health journey - I was glad that I hiked, but terribly shamed that I couldn't do it before.
My Dad tried to cheer me up by telling me to "rejoice in the fact that I saw a significant improvement in my cardiovascular function." Thanks Dad.
You always see the healthy side of life.
Several other friends are like "great job" and "you did it" and that is rad, but I still have this horrible feeling that I should have been able to do it in the first place.
I guess I had a reality check: I was really, really, really, really unfit. Really.
I don't think I ever realized exactly how unfit I was.
Wow, there's a dose of mortality for you. Rather, for me.
Well, enough of that. Next weekend looks like a hike up to the Hollywood sign. Hopefully I will remember to bring my camera for once.
Monday, May 23
A new me....
Last Friday I climbed to the top of Vernal Falls in Yosemite. I also made the commitment to never go back to my old life. Ever. More details to come
Friday, February 18
Does time heal all things?
It has been many months since I have had enough emotional energy to actually post something. It is hard to write about your feelings when you think that no one is reading. Then again, it is hard to write when you know people are reading.
A season is over. I am no longer getting paid by a church to be a minister. Now I just get paid by God. That may be a better deal - for divinty to be keeping track instead of humanity.
He takes out more taxes though. :)
I am looking forward to a season of research and writing.
Filmmaking is in the future.
Yes, things are a changin'
A season is over. I am no longer getting paid by a church to be a minister. Now I just get paid by God. That may be a better deal - for divinty to be keeping track instead of humanity.
He takes out more taxes though. :)
I am looking forward to a season of research and writing.
Filmmaking is in the future.
Yes, things are a changin'
Thursday, November 25
Reading
Usually when one reads a book, one reserves recommendation until one has finished reading. THIS one is reading Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver.
Even if one reads only the first third- one would learn many things that one could, and perhaps should, incorporate into daily living.
Long live the written word and its power to inflame one's heart and mind.
Even if one reads only the first third- one would learn many things that one could, and perhaps should, incorporate into daily living.
Long live the written word and its power to inflame one's heart and mind.
Monday, November 15
Slaves...
They are slaves who fear to speak
For the fallen and the weak;
They are slaves who will not choose
Hatred, scoffing, and abuse,
Rather than in silence shrink
From the truth they needs must think;
They are slaves who dare not be
In the right with two or three.
James Russell Lowell
what do you fear to be right about? what do you fear to voice out?
what are you a slave to?
For the fallen and the weak;
They are slaves who will not choose
Hatred, scoffing, and abuse,
Rather than in silence shrink
From the truth they needs must think;
They are slaves who dare not be
In the right with two or three.
James Russell Lowell
what do you fear to be right about? what do you fear to voice out?
what are you a slave to?
Friday, November 12
Friends are good for lots of things!
One of those things is teaching you how to spell. I have been recently informed:
the correct spelling is JE NE SAIS QUOI
now Katters can be enjoyed in the purest version of herself.
Dat mayd no cence.
the correct spelling is JE NE SAIS QUOI
now Katters can be enjoyed in the purest version of herself.
Dat mayd no cence.
Thursday, November 4
So many events, so little time...
So I have been like totally busy! (think cooky teenage valley girl accent)
This quarter has proved to be one of the most challenging in terms of time managment. I have realized that if I let myself, I can survive with little social contact. I am not sure if that means that I am on my way to hermit-dom, or if that means that I am so busy that the only unbusiness I have is being alone. Hmmm. Probably the latter.
I have learned some great things over my time away:
a short list ensues:
A priest with a funny voice can ruin a good funeral mass.
Living with boys is very easy, but they smell and don't understand what organic garbage is.
There is a bigger difference between 26 and 27 then one may think.
It is hard to be patient. (umm, duh, but really - I am really learning this!)
I like to read.
Lauren Hill rocks
The song I'll Be by Edwin McCain is a good song to have at a wedding. (it is also a good "they're playing our song" song)
I cannot stop being a hopeless romantic, no matter hard I try. Piss!
I love having best friends that are men, they don't try to date me.
I hate having best friends that are men, they don't try to date me.
This quarter has proved to be one of the most challenging in terms of time managment. I have realized that if I let myself, I can survive with little social contact. I am not sure if that means that I am on my way to hermit-dom, or if that means that I am so busy that the only unbusiness I have is being alone. Hmmm. Probably the latter.
I have learned some great things over my time away:
a short list ensues:
A priest with a funny voice can ruin a good funeral mass.
Living with boys is very easy, but they smell and don't understand what organic garbage is.
There is a bigger difference between 26 and 27 then one may think.
It is hard to be patient. (umm, duh, but really - I am really learning this!)
I like to read.
Lauren Hill rocks
The song I'll Be by Edwin McCain is a good song to have at a wedding. (it is also a good "they're playing our song" song)
I cannot stop being a hopeless romantic, no matter hard I try. Piss!
I love having best friends that are men, they don't try to date me.
I hate having best friends that are men, they don't try to date me.
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