A journey of a thousand miles...

...begins with one step so they say. And that is the story of Vernal Falls.

please note: you get a sneak peak at what I'm thinking in the italics

Episode IV: A New Hope

The days of May 19th-22nd proved to be the hurricane rather than the eye I was looking forward to. After a good weigh-in, a scramble to re-pack the car, a heart-felt conversation about being a grown up and self-care(inflicted by me to another), another car re-pack, an almost too slow pick-up of a terribly laid back friend, and yet another re-pack, four friends were on their way to Yosemite National Park to meet two others that were waiting for us.
After a 2:30am arrival, we slept and arose to tackle hiking on a beautiful Friday morning. Sophie found us a "moderate" hike and suggests that we all do a moderate hike and then we split up so that I could do an easy hike and the super-athletes could do a strenuos hike.
Great! I can't begin to think about doing a strenous hike! My friends are rad about taking my un-fit but into account. I am so embarrassed. Oh, well. I'm used to it.

So we head toward Vernal Falls.
Moderate was a good description of the 3/4 mile up/down/up/up/up/up/down trot to the bottom of the falls, where we met a small bridge and felt a light mist occasionally cool our bare flesh.
"The top of the falls is only another 3/4 mile - and besides, this is a moderate hike"
For 1/4 mile we climb steeply to a fork in the road. My heart is pumping pretty hard, but I am not in pain. My legs are tired. I hate being out of shape. Good thing I'm loosing weight. A small sea has formed in the small of back and around my neck from the salt-water spring that is my forehead I am so gross:

A sign:
Nevada Falls -->

Vernal Falls: go up

Genius girl (yeah, that's me) announces that she wants to go to the top. This is only a moderate - I can do a moderate right?
The others shrug and start up what quickly becomes the hardest hike most of us have experienced including the athletes. why is this so hard? what am I thinking? what am doing?
The last 1/2 mile is 600 granite steps of various shapes and sizes with a literal shower of Falls spray attacking like little darts.
The first step finds me looking up a massive wall of granite, soaked with icecold melt off.
Ok, I can do this - just take it slow. My confidence is building. I feel good. I can do this. I can do this.
My leg raises to connect with the first step, and suddenly this is no longer a hike up a fall.
It is a battle for the rest of my life.

More to come...

Embarrassing

So I decided to go on this hike that I went on last summer with my buddy Eric. Last summer I was totally out of breath, unable to make it to the top without stopping 8bazillion times, and really hurting the next day.
I thought that I would go and prove to myself that after all this freaking hard work, I could make it up the dumb mountain without stopping; that I would conquer this heckof hard hike after all.
SO, I start out at 10:40 yesterday morning at the trailhead. By 11:50 I was sitting on a rock past the peak and looking at a blanket (crazy-cool - it looked EXACTLY like a blanket) of clouds covering the Tri-Valley. And I wasn't even breathing hard.
The thing is, I am totally embarrassed. Seriously folks, this, honestly, was an easy hike: slight incline for .5 mile, flatish for about a mile, kinda steep incline on switchbacks for .25 mile. Yes, yes: any human will have sweat and heavier breathing ensue, but not that much. It was the weirdest mix of emotions I have had so far with this health journey - I was glad that I hiked, but terribly shamed that I couldn't do it before.
My Dad tried to cheer me up by telling me to "rejoice in the fact that I saw a significant improvement in my cardiovascular function." Thanks Dad.
You always see the healthy side of life.
Several other friends are like "great job" and "you did it" and that is rad, but I still have this horrible feeling that I should have been able to do it in the first place.
I guess I had a reality check: I was really, really, really, really unfit. Really.
I don't think I ever realized exactly how unfit I was.

Wow, there's a dose of mortality for you. Rather, for me.

Well, enough of that. Next weekend looks like a hike up to the Hollywood sign. Hopefully I will remember to bring my camera for once.

A new me....

Last Friday I climbed to the top of Vernal Falls in Yosemite. I also made the commitment to never go back to my old life. Ever. More details to come

Does time heal all things?

It has been many months since I have had enough emotional energy to actually post something. It is hard to write about your feelings when you think that no one is reading. Then again, it is hard to write when you know people are reading.

A season is over. I am no longer getting paid by a church to be a minister. Now I just get paid by God. That may be a better deal - for divinty to be keeping track instead of humanity.

He takes out more taxes though. :)

I am looking forward to a season of research and writing.
Filmmaking is in the future.

Yes, things are a changin'

Reading

Usually when one reads a book, one reserves recommendation until one has finished reading. THIS one is reading Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver.
Even if one reads only the first third- one would learn many things that one could, and perhaps should, incorporate into daily living.
Long live the written word and its power to inflame one's heart and mind.

Slaves...

They are slaves who fear to speak
For the fallen and the weak;
They are slaves who will not choose
Hatred, scoffing, and abuse,
Rather than in silence shrink
From the truth they needs must think;
They are slaves who dare not be
In the right with two or three.

James Russell Lowell


what do you fear to be right about? what do you fear to voice out?
what are you a slave to?

Friends are good for lots of things!

One of those things is teaching you how to spell. I have been recently informed:
the correct spelling is JE NE SAIS QUOI
now Katters can be enjoyed in the purest version of herself.

Dat mayd no cence.

So many events, so little time...

So I have been like totally busy! (think cooky teenage valley girl accent)
This quarter has proved to be one of the most challenging in terms of time managment. I have realized that if I let myself, I can survive with little social contact. I am not sure if that means that I am on my way to hermit-dom, or if that means that I am so busy that the only unbusiness I have is being alone. Hmmm. Probably the latter.

I have learned some great things over my time away:
a short list ensues:
A priest with a funny voice can ruin a good funeral mass.
Living with boys is very easy, but they smell and don't understand what organic garbage is.
There is a bigger difference between 26 and 27 then one may think.
It is hard to be patient. (umm, duh, but really - I am really learning this!)
I like to read.
Lauren Hill rocks
The song I'll Be by Edwin McCain is a good song to have at a wedding. (it is also a good "they're playing our song" song)
I cannot stop being a hopeless romantic, no matter hard I try. Piss!
I love having best friends that are men, they don't try to date me.
I hate having best friends that are men, they don't try to date me.

Many Moons...

A lunar eclipse happened last night. this was great. It prompted me to get off my tush and write something. Unfortunately, I am at work, so not right now.

this is funny - i am not really sure why - but it is
I personally think this looks like me and my friend Eric
hanging out together. NO - really.

Limping = Freedom

I have had a little light at the end of the tunnel come on and blind me: I am struggling.
This is not, however, a bad thing.
I am learning, deeply and truly, what it is to be in true tension: Jacob wrestling with the angel was an imperative to his relationship with God. Without a broken hip, he would have no reminder - no prophetic demonstration - of the reality of God's presence in his life. So too with me - as my hip is torn from its socket I rejoice in the visible affect and effect it produces in my walk - may my limp spurn others to sprint.
What an honor to be dis-abled by the power and presence of the Lord.
What once I saw as a handicap given to Jacob, I see as a grace.
The Lord had the grace to dis-able Jacob so that he would be unable to fight Him. How can you punch a man if you have no hands? How can you kick a man when you have no legs?
And how can you fight God when you have no will?
Jacobs limp hip, his mangled pride, was a gift from God - he would never have to deal with the torment of his own unfaithfulness again.
Please don't talk to me if you have never had a mangled hip. I just won't trust you.


On that note, a story of grace:

Studying. "Reading the Bible from the Margins"
"I've heard all this before
It is so redundent -
move along."

A voice whispers, "Michelle"
"Hmmm?"
"A year ago you knew none of what you read here"
"ummmm, duh"
"Rejoice in your redundancy, Michelle."
"Why?"
"Because it means you learned something."
"Hmmm."

Rejoice in your redunancy. Rejoice in your mangled hip.

Great minds think alike...

So I realized that my blog was the same template as my friends, it was just a different color. then I thought that was a little weird so I decided to change it up a little bit. It is strange to realize that you have things in common with people that you never thought you would have anything in common with.

Today katters and I jinxed like five times. Great minds thinking alike.

Grampa died a couple weeks ago. I cried today.
Then I ran into an older lady friend whose mom had died at the end of the last year. She had cried today too.
Great minds mourning alike.

I spoke long and lovingly with a girl I had previously thought rude.
She thought the same thing about me.
we laughed as we told each other, we rolled on the floor as we discovered how much we had in common.
She is a worship leader, student, single, techie, a little bit pudgy, strong and beautiful.
great minds....

It leads me to pray:

I thank you Lord
for giving me the gift
of being wrong
and for the gift
of failing
and judging
For in all of those poisons
I am chiseled by your grace
and formed into the woman
who is not as wrong
does not
fail
judge
as much
and who loves like you do
Amen.

O what the world would be...

She rises with the dawn...

I have officially decided that I like the early morning.
Now if I can go to bed on time so I can actually get up in the early morning...

THAT IS AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT QUESTION

Wandering...

I went wandering around campus today looking for nothing in particular. I found myself stopping and chatting with a number of people, some old friends, some new, some not really friends but aquintances on the waiting list.
It was nice.
Speaking of friends - I read ones' blog today. As little salt ponds formed in the dark circles of my tired eyes, I realized, for the hundreth time, that she is most amazing. She has this certain ju nes chez qua about her.
She doesn't talk too much - I admire that. She cries when she falls down, but better than that - she cries when you fall down.
Often times I feel like I am not good enough to be her friend - there must be something I am missing, some action undone or word unspoken that lingers as a big fat "duh" to everybody except me. I wish I knew how to serve her better. I really really wish I knew.

by the way - I am quite aware that I cannot spell ju nes chez qua but don't count that against her description.

On another note:
class started today and that is another good change! I am not sure how I will handle the new lack-of-social-life schedule that awaits the next ten weeks: but there is some sort of prophetic spirit about this quarter.
i sit foretelling and forthtelling my soul that difficulty brings strength of faith and character - that obligations to work make play so much more, well, playful! This quarter will be a lesson in play.
I take for granted my play, now I will learn to cherish it.
I expect to have fun and have ease, now I will learn to be grateful for both.
So, for the next ten weeks: I am working 30 hours a week, classing 12 hours a week, studying 15 hours a week and churching 3 hours a week (aside from work).
i think as long as i keep fixed on Jesus, everything will be just fine. I am not busy: I am learning how to be in the real world: I am learning to schedule and be disciplined. Again.
Didn't we do this last year Lord? And the year before? and before?
Ahhhhh, long live the divine molding hands of my Lord and my God, Jesus Christ.

Moving On

Ok so today is better and i love God and music again and I am moving into a new place.
Newness is good.
I love change.
That is so weird, isn't it?
most people aren't so fond of it, but it's cool with me.

Last night I saw the killer opposum that WoodrowWilson describes in his blog. uuugugggg.
Yeah, God probably didn't want that guy on the ark. gross

Today does not deserve a title. It sucked. I think I hate my job. I say "I think" because I am not sure if I really hate my job or I just hate me at my job. I feel like I never want to do anything ever again except run around doing things that I feel like doing. I want to be independently wealthy and only volunteer at all the cool places that I have always wanted to volunteer but have neither the time nor financial stability to do so.
Perhaps I will move to Europe and live out of a backpack for a year and eat bread and wine and cry a lot.
Perhaps not.

I saw no one that I actually like today. It is not that I dislike anybody at my job, it is just that I am indifferent - or I think they are stupid.
Except one girl. She's cool, but she thinks I am weird because I am from California. I am too different from her.

I used to love music and I used to love God.
I am not sure about either.
Tommorrow will be better, I am sure, and tommorrow I will love both music and God. But not today and not right now.

I already feel guilty for saying that. Piss.

The interesting thing about feelings

I have recently discovered that missing people is tricky. I have a friend whom I left to be on vacation. When I was on vacation and my friend was home, the friend missed me very much and I was ok.
Now I am home and friend is on vacation. I miss friend very, very much.

It's different when you are the one at home.
I like being the vacationer better. Missing is hard.