I know I am not supposed to say that, being a follower of Christ and all. But ya know what - the act of forgiving - and I mean REAL forgiving - not the stuff that's passed off in our lifetimes as heroic suffering through relational pain - tangible forgiving - sucks.
I don't think any of us get what Jesus did when he forgave sins. I wonder if we secretly think that Jesus was hap-hazzardly throwing about pardons to those who he never knew in the first place. It's easy to pardon those who have never wounded you.
So, it gets me to thinking... what did all those people do to Jesus that made Jesus the only human at the time with the power to forgive? You can't have forgiveness without an offense. So, how did, say, the alabaster box lady offend Jesus? Seems to me she was pretty nice washing his feet and all - with her HAIR even!
And- what the heck did that robber on the cross ever do to Jesus? Whose to say they ever met before that whole crucifixion thing anyway?!
To top it off, our lives mixing up with Jesus' makes forgiveness seem so, well, punitive. I mean, the whole "financial debt excused" parable doesn't so much connect with my credit card culture. Truth be told, paying off my school loan is all done through money I never see... doesn't it kinda feel anti-climactic to read on a screen:
Payment posted. Thank you. Your confirmation number is...
Maybe Jesus has gone electronic too:
Your name is currently in the e-book of life.
We can now access your account quickly and easily.
Your account balance: $0.00
Payment method: MASTER-card
Wow.
Don't get me wrong... I am not theologically ignorant. I know that (supposedly) the offenses were all against God, and that God and Jesus are the same thing (if your theology allows that), and that Jesus was able to forgive cuz he was/is God, and so he was offended just as much as God. (Yes - I am bobbing my head back and forth and using a singsongy blah blah blah tone, thank you very much)
But really - what does it look like to offend God? AND - if God is really that offended and yet is so merciful and forgiving - doesn't that make God a sucker?
Cuz geez - I personally am pretty hurt and broken-up about someone offending me - even though it was one of those unintentional sins that Wesley spouts about - and I am not in the mood to forgive - even though I know I have to.
Before you jump on that statement - let me just say - I don't think I have to forgive because "that's what Jesus says". I think I HAVE to forgive because living here in unforgivenessland disagrees with both my digestion and my sanity.
I have to forgive because when I don't, I am miserable with nausea and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I guess it would be nice if piety had something to do with it - but today it doesn't.
It's the hardest damn thing I ever do and will continue to try to do. It is not fun to let someone off the hook when the hook is still wedged in between your own sternum and cardio-pulmonary muscle and you are spewing blood about the house. Oh yes... it's all fun and games until someone gets their eye poked out.
Yet - it MUST be done. There is no other option - especially for us Followers. For to NOT forgive is to somehow lighten the weight of the offense. It is to deny the reality of the feeling of heart-pain. I don't know about you, but when I am NOT forgiving, it really means that I AM ignoring. Ignoring is lying. Forgiving is truthing.
But the truth sets free. It hurts like hell, but it does set free.
Ouch.
Thursday, November 2
Friday, September 8
Lately I have been sentimental
I am not sure if it stems from the recent graduation, or recent job searches, or recent love life stuff, but I am finding myself increasingly sentimental about the dorkiest things.
My poor baby, I MADE him sit there and watch YouTube videos from my childhood Sesame Street and Nintendo days - forcing him to digest the importance of "The Ladybugs Twelve."
This morning, while wandering through the friend-blogs (ya gotta keep up somehow), I found this wonderful memory.
It made me think of my parents and I at a time when I was both too opinionated and too formidable for my own good.
Opinionated and Formidable tend not to be such a good combination - what it means is that you convince yourself of your own ideas and then live out of that opinion until something horrific happens to bust you out of it. But I guess I turned out alright.
My poor baby, I MADE him sit there and watch YouTube videos from my childhood Sesame Street and Nintendo days - forcing him to digest the importance of "The Ladybugs Twelve."
This morning, while wandering through the friend-blogs (ya gotta keep up somehow), I found this wonderful memory.
It made me think of my parents and I at a time when I was both too opinionated and too formidable for my own good.
Opinionated and Formidable tend not to be such a good combination - what it means is that you convince yourself of your own ideas and then live out of that opinion until something horrific happens to bust you out of it. But I guess I turned out alright.
Thursday, September 7
Wednesday, September 6
I don't think so....
ALLIANCE, Neb. - Talk about extra innings. A baseball game that began at 10 a.m. on Saturday in Alliance ended Sunday at 4:05 p.m.
That's 30 hours and five minutes between the first pitch and the final out. Game organizers are counting on the contest being long enough to break a world record.
Forty players, ranging in age from 18 to 44, rotated in and out of the 84-inning game in hopes of setting a new Guinness World Record for the longest baseball game.
The record stands at 25 hours, set in Canada nearly three years ago.
Alliance organizers tried for a record last year, but their 24-hour, 16-minute game fell short of the record by 44 minutes.
Far from a pitcher's duel, this year's game was won by the Alliance Times-Herald Dragons, which beat the WESTCO Knights, by a score of 120 to 114.
Ok - here's the deal. This is NOT a legit world record... Why? Because there is no way that this game really went 84 innings according to the conditions set on baseball play. So inherently there are 9 innings in a ball game and extra innings are brought on by a tie at the end of the 9th. There is no way that these people kept getting ties at the end of freaking 75 innings - unless they threw the game and did it on purpose - and that is cheating and therefore doesn't count.
I guess there is nothing better to do in Alliance, Nebraska.
For a REAL record, check this out:
Oldest Baseball Player Leroy Robert "Satchel" Paige pitched for the Kansas City A's (American League) at the age of 59 years and 80 days on September 25, 1965. His baseball career spanned 40 years although he was as famous for his showmanship on the field as he was for his pitching.
(please note: he played for the A's. Thank you very much.)
That's 30 hours and five minutes between the first pitch and the final out. Game organizers are counting on the contest being long enough to break a world record.
Forty players, ranging in age from 18 to 44, rotated in and out of the 84-inning game in hopes of setting a new Guinness World Record for the longest baseball game.
The record stands at 25 hours, set in Canada nearly three years ago.
Alliance organizers tried for a record last year, but their 24-hour, 16-minute game fell short of the record by 44 minutes.
Far from a pitcher's duel, this year's game was won by the Alliance Times-Herald Dragons, which beat the WESTCO Knights, by a score of 120 to 114.
Ok - here's the deal. This is NOT a legit world record... Why? Because there is no way that this game really went 84 innings according to the conditions set on baseball play. So inherently there are 9 innings in a ball game and extra innings are brought on by a tie at the end of the 9th. There is no way that these people kept getting ties at the end of freaking 75 innings - unless they threw the game and did it on purpose - and that is cheating and therefore doesn't count.
I guess there is nothing better to do in Alliance, Nebraska.
For a REAL record, check this out:
Oldest Baseball Player Leroy Robert "Satchel" Paige pitched for the Kansas City A's (American League) at the age of 59 years and 80 days on September 25, 1965. His baseball career spanned 40 years although he was as famous for his showmanship on the field as he was for his pitching.
(please note: he played for the A's. Thank you very much.)
Wednesday, August 23
Toddlers and Jesus
It occurred to me this morning that in the whole "infinity/timeless" dealio- meaning the whole day is like a minute, thousand years like a day thing - that we are all toddlers in the age-eyes of God.
This makes me feel like my bratty/leavemealone/Icandoitmyselfthankyouverymuch attitude may actually be relatively natural. I picture myself running naked away from bathtime, all soapy and giggly! Ah Freedom! *skip-skip-skip* *shriek of laughter*
Cool! I am a terrible-two and God expects that!
"Suffer not the little children to come unto me!"
Now, if I can just move beyond using it as an excuse...
This makes me feel like my bratty/leavemealone/Icandoitmyselfthankyouverymuch attitude may actually be relatively natural. I picture myself running naked away from bathtime, all soapy and giggly! Ah Freedom! *skip-skip-skip* *shriek of laughter*
Cool! I am a terrible-two and God expects that!
"Suffer not the little children to come unto me!"
Now, if I can just move beyond using it as an excuse...
Monday, August 21
Auntie X2?
Ok, so, technically I am not... but Kyliah gave birth to
Samantha Rain Villa
on August 9th -
7lbs 12oz, 21 inches!
I held her for an hour yesterday. I think she knew my voice because she wasn't fussy or anything. Well, that's how I like to believe it. :)
God knows I talked to her in the belly enough.
Congrats!!!!
(sorry - I forgot my camera! no pic!)
Samantha Rain Villa
on August 9th -
7lbs 12oz, 21 inches!
I held her for an hour yesterday. I think she knew my voice because she wasn't fussy or anything. Well, that's how I like to believe it. :)
God knows I talked to her in the belly enough.
Congrats!!!!
(sorry - I forgot my camera! no pic!)
Saturday, August 19
I am an Auntie!!!!!
Announcing (do-do-do-doooooo):
Miss Lucy
The beautiful new addition to the Guilford family (for those of you who don't know.. Sara is one of my best friends from college.)
8lbs 12oz, 21 1/4inches
Born Saturday, August 12th at 2am-ish.
Congratulations!
Friday, August 18
You people are sneaky!
Ok - I have HAD it with you sneaky "I read your blog but you would never know it because I don't make comments unless I randomly see you on campus" people!!!!!
I did not realize that people actually read this thing. I figured it was just my two aunts and Rachel and B-W. Whom by the way, I am grateful for your comments!
Anyway.... thank you to the peeps who casually congratulated me on my new head in the clouds mentality. I am sure that if P-Dog knew that I was posting copious amounts of mushiness about him for the world to see, I would be exiled to Mars, so I guess it's good that he doesn't so much keep up on this thing! (HA! HA! I can tell secrets about us and he shall never know!!!!! Huzzah!)
Other things going on in life:
I am looking for some change (yeah... I know, like I need any more, right?!) I am feeling this huge Esther type preparation anointing thing going on in my spirit (to which P-Dog commented, "What? You have the anointing to be a PROSTITUTE?!" No, honey, but thanks for checking. : Grrrr.)
Brother is getting healthier. Baby steps to the door....baby steps to the street... I am cautiously optimistic - PROGRESS!!!! I am proud of him for some new/different choices he has made.
IMPORTANT!!!!!
KATIE AND NICK ARE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He did it on the sand dunes in Michigan not last night but the night before. SO sweet! He tricked her into thinking they were going to a movie, but then it got all cancelled, and at the dunes he was all "Do you want some water?" and she was like "ok" and instead of giving her the water to drink, he like totally washed her feet and then, like, totally proposed. Like, oh my Gosh. :)
Way to go Nick - you rock!
Congratulations to my dear sweet sister Katie, whom I miss terribly and look forward to seeing very much.
Hmmm...lets see... what else?
Oh, Jesus and I have been having lots of talks about life and future and happy-hard things. It's time to step up to the plate folks. And I am learning that being ondeck is much, much, much easier. Why can't I just be the great nice player that sits on the bench and encourages everybody else to play well???? I am good at that! Coach has basically told me that homeruns don't count in batting practice. It's time to get off the bench, and get in the game. The scary part is I know I am up against a conniving, experienced pitcher. The not scary part is I have the best teammates ever. But teammates don't go to bat for you, they just encourage you to smack it out of the park. I can do that I think. Heck, I've been in the minors long enough.
I think that is just about as far as I would like to take this analogy today. (But I am sure there will be more... it is a baseball analogy after all :) )
Some upcoming events I am looking forward to:
PDog home
Padres Game
See Mom/Dad (Ben?)
See Beckin/Kevy (don't ask)
A'S GAME
Etta James
To life!
I did not realize that people actually read this thing. I figured it was just my two aunts and Rachel and B-W. Whom by the way, I am grateful for your comments!
Anyway.... thank you to the peeps who casually congratulated me on my new head in the clouds mentality. I am sure that if P-Dog knew that I was posting copious amounts of mushiness about him for the world to see, I would be exiled to Mars, so I guess it's good that he doesn't so much keep up on this thing! (HA! HA! I can tell secrets about us and he shall never know!!!!! Huzzah!)
Other things going on in life:
I am looking for some change (yeah... I know, like I need any more, right?!) I am feeling this huge Esther type preparation anointing thing going on in my spirit (to which P-Dog commented, "What? You have the anointing to be a PROSTITUTE?!" No, honey, but thanks for checking. : Grrrr.)
Brother is getting healthier. Baby steps to the door....baby steps to the street... I am cautiously optimistic - PROGRESS!!!! I am proud of him for some new/different choices he has made.
IMPORTANT!!!!!
KATIE AND NICK ARE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He did it on the sand dunes in Michigan not last night but the night before. SO sweet! He tricked her into thinking they were going to a movie, but then it got all cancelled, and at the dunes he was all "Do you want some water?" and she was like "ok" and instead of giving her the water to drink, he like totally washed her feet and then, like, totally proposed. Like, oh my Gosh. :)
Way to go Nick - you rock!
Congratulations to my dear sweet sister Katie, whom I miss terribly and look forward to seeing very much.
Hmmm...lets see... what else?
Oh, Jesus and I have been having lots of talks about life and future and happy-hard things. It's time to step up to the plate folks. And I am learning that being ondeck is much, much, much easier. Why can't I just be the great nice player that sits on the bench and encourages everybody else to play well???? I am good at that! Coach has basically told me that homeruns don't count in batting practice. It's time to get off the bench, and get in the game. The scary part is I know I am up against a conniving, experienced pitcher. The not scary part is I have the best teammates ever. But teammates don't go to bat for you, they just encourage you to smack it out of the park. I can do that I think. Heck, I've been in the minors long enough.
I think that is just about as far as I would like to take this analogy today. (But I am sure there will be more... it is a baseball analogy after all :) )
Some upcoming events I am looking forward to:
PDog home
Padres Game
See Mom/Dad (Ben?)
See Beckin/Kevy (don't ask)
A'S GAME
Etta James
To life!
Wednesday, August 16
I am in love... ahhhh
Yup. It is official. I love a boy. Actually, I love a man. (He is SO NOT a boy!) I know this might come as a shocker to some; I have keeping this on the d-low for a while as we were "working it out". BUT, I just got back from visiting him in Florida, where God used us to minister to each other and others and solidified a lot of stuff for us - or at least for me. It's funny - we don't really know where we will go, or what we will do, or the time line or details or anything. All we really know for sure is that we are doing it together.
Writing this on my blog is a testimony for me. I am scared as I write it.... it seems to make things, so, REAL.
BUT that is what this is! REAL! All the other times - those were the fake times! I had gotten so used to the fake times that the real time seems, well, fake. (Just humor me if you don't get what I am saying)
I want to tell you just a few things that I love about him.
1. Loves God so much/is a worshipper
2. Thoughtful
3. Integritous
4. Creative
5. Excellent planner
6. Educated (self and formally)
7. A great servant (which makes him a great leader)
8. Likes music
9. Intelligent
10. Fine. No wait - hella fine. (ohthankyoujesus!)
And that is just the tippy tip top of the iceberg!
I think you will be hearing more about our adventures as time goes on. So far, I just ask that you pray for us and what God is doing. Please also pray for me that I can be excited and enjoy the next two weeks while he is still in Florida and I am back in LA. :( I miss him a lot - I know it will be over soon, but that only helps a little.
Oh yeah, one more thing - he loves me too.
Writing this on my blog is a testimony for me. I am scared as I write it.... it seems to make things, so, REAL.
BUT that is what this is! REAL! All the other times - those were the fake times! I had gotten so used to the fake times that the real time seems, well, fake. (Just humor me if you don't get what I am saying)
I want to tell you just a few things that I love about him.
1. Loves God so much/is a worshipper
2. Thoughtful
3. Integritous
4. Creative
5. Excellent planner
6. Educated (self and formally)
7. A great servant (which makes him a great leader)
8. Likes music
9. Intelligent
10. Fine. No wait - hella fine. (ohthankyoujesus!)
And that is just the tippy tip top of the iceberg!
I think you will be hearing more about our adventures as time goes on. So far, I just ask that you pray for us and what God is doing. Please also pray for me that I can be excited and enjoy the next two weeks while he is still in Florida and I am back in LA. :( I miss him a lot - I know it will be over soon, but that only helps a little.
Oh yeah, one more thing - he loves me too.
Wednesday, August 2
Another awesome quote from Kyliah....
In regards to Branston Hicks contractions 8-10 days before her baby is due:
"I hesistate to say painful, because that is a word that we will save for later."
Ahhh, I love this woman.
"I hesistate to say painful, because that is a word that we will save for later."
Ahhh, I love this woman.
Sunday, July 30
I wanna be like this:
Women should be tough, tender, laugh as much as possible and live long lives. The struggle for equality continues unabaded, and the woman warrior who is armed with wit and courage will be among the first to celebrate victory.
Maya Angelou
Maya Angelou
Wednesday, July 19
Melancholy
I have not written in a while. I have been emotional busy and whenever I get emotional busy I don't write a lot. It's like a ball game, really. When I am at the ball game I care about all the details - when I'm not I just want to know the final score.
So I am imposing that feeling upon all of you. It has been extra innings in Michelle land and so I am waiting to give you the final score.
In the meantime.... Some thoughts I have been munching on:
- The A's played their first errorless game in six games last night, but just got 2 back-2-back errors in the bottom of the 7th of the game I', listening to right now. Oh well, I guess that could preach. You think that you are on an errorless streak and then you error back-2-back. It's just part of the game; it is inevitable.
- Matt 15. Wow.
- The whole temple/body/body of Christ theme. Romans 9:4; 1 Cor. 3:16/17, 8:10, 9:13; 2 Cor. 6:16; Eph. 2:21. Seems Paul had something he wanted to say about that. Trying to get the big picture and figure out what that means for us.
- Is not being physically healthy a sin? That is bold... and it means that I have got junk to work out. This is really scary because I think part of my calling has to do with teaching Christians the theology/bibliology of physical health. Uh-oh.
- God is amazing and I don't trust God as much as I would like to think I do. I am totally getting all these little tests left and right to put my previous posts' thoughts in action. I love it: Excited to death/scared to death about some things that I will mention later.
In a melancholy mood today; blood sugar has been low for like a week and I can't seem to get it up... strange.
So I am imposing that feeling upon all of you. It has been extra innings in Michelle land and so I am waiting to give you the final score.
In the meantime.... Some thoughts I have been munching on:
- The A's played their first errorless game in six games last night, but just got 2 back-2-back errors in the bottom of the 7th of the game I', listening to right now. Oh well, I guess that could preach. You think that you are on an errorless streak and then you error back-2-back. It's just part of the game; it is inevitable.
- Matt 15. Wow.
- The whole temple/body/body of Christ theme. Romans 9:4; 1 Cor. 3:16/17, 8:10, 9:13; 2 Cor. 6:16; Eph. 2:21. Seems Paul had something he wanted to say about that. Trying to get the big picture and figure out what that means for us.
- Is not being physically healthy a sin? That is bold... and it means that I have got junk to work out. This is really scary because I think part of my calling has to do with teaching Christians the theology/bibliology of physical health. Uh-oh.
- God is amazing and I don't trust God as much as I would like to think I do. I am totally getting all these little tests left and right to put my previous posts' thoughts in action. I love it: Excited to death/scared to death about some things that I will mention later.
In a melancholy mood today; blood sugar has been low for like a week and I can't seem to get it up... strange.
Monday, July 3
Sovereign or not? Make up your mind...
Assumptions I operate under
1. God is really big
2. God knows everything
3. God is in control
I think most X's would agree - even if you are an open theist - you would agree that God is the being who is at least in control of being in control, and just chooses to let Godself be moved by God's love for us.
That being said, I think I have pinpointed a sadness, a grief if you will, that I have been feeling in regards to my family in God.
I am grieved that we say that we think God is in control and then speak/act as though God is not.
You are probably thinking, "thank you captain obvious."
Let me explain, no, let me sum up (didya catch that?):
The general grip/worry/lament of X is that the world is going to hell in a handbasket. We are worried by sex/violence/cussing in film, sad tales from the news, porn in romance novels and the internet, racism, classism, lack of social justice, etc. These are all things that are not necessarily such good things. I see that we have something to be sad about.
BUT what I am thinking is that our regrets and complaints are distracting us from remembering that God is sovereign. (If your theology allows for God to not be sovereign, then I guess you are off the hook on this on, and that is cool too.)
If we believe God to be in control, knowing all things, then why do we as a religion/faith get so bent out of shape about all these crappy things happening as though God needs our help stopping it?
I mean, all the junk that is around is all the same junk that was around through all of history - judgment/sex/violence/abuse/"isms". It only feels worse perhaps because we are in the middle of it. Or maybe TV and the information age allows us to be way more aware of all the stuff that happens - whatever - the point is that there is nothing new under the sun - including sin.
SOOO - if God was able to be a redemptive force all those many years ago, why isn't God able to be a redemptive agent even now?
This idea is tough because it will cause us to rethink how we view our roles in the work of God. If this is so, we are no longer allowed to be nay-sayers but are now required to be light and salt and the physical manifestation of the hand of God's reconciliation wherever we go - even if it gets us killed (hmmmmm.... sound familiar?)
To reframe how we see God's presence and ability in the world, we are suddenly much more responsible to, well, respond.
I almost feel like my complaining is a moot point. Shit happens. How you deal with it is more important than trying to prevent it. (Although I can't pull myself away from the call to try my best to not be the cause of that shit, mind you. There is still something to be said about living a life of holiness. Does saying shit make me unholy? It's not like the word "crap" or "stuff" wouldn't have meant the same thing in my heart.... ok, ok, I'll stop on that for now)
Anyway, trying to prevent sin can only go so far... we take the action that we can with all the grace that we can. BUT, when the sin happens, or is happening, that is when I need to chill and deal with the situation in the most "I believe God is in control" way possible.
For example: Hollywood makes rated R movies. Deal. It is not going to stop anytime soon. If the option of complaining about it/rejecting it is taken out of the picture, what next?
Perhaps seeing that Hollywood is doing us a favor?
Hollywood is actually exposing a lot of the things that are the realities of everyday life for many people. We as X's now have an opportunity to engage the people of the world that are pre-believing with an understanding of the questions, concerns, fears, angers, emotions, etc. that they are experiencing.
Awesome! God, once again, in God's sovereignty, is using what was intended (perhaps?) as evil for good! God is being God's glorious, wonderful, graceful, redemptive, reconciling self - and working everything for good for those who love God and are called according to God's purpose.... God is using Hollywood to be the prophet so we can be the healers and ministers and join people in the response to the sin that is exposed.
I really want to reexamine how I view God. I say God is sovereign, now I want to start living like that more intentionally. Who wants to join me?
Here are some verses that are helping me refocus. If it feels like to you that I am proof texting, I am sorry. All I can say is that these verses/passages are working on me right now as little mantras of hope....
Romans 8: 9-12:
You, however, are not controlled by the sinful nature but are in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you. Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation--but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it.
Romans 8:26-28
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. And God, who searches the heart, knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.
Psalm 86: 7-11
In the day of my trouble I call on you, for you will answer me.
There is none like you among the gods, O Lord, nor are there any works like yours.
All the nations you have made shall come and bow down before you, O Lord, and shall glorify your name.
For you are great and do wondrous things; you alone are God.
Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart to revere your name.
All of Job 38-41 (perhaps take a gander at Job's response)
Jeremiah 23:23-24
"Am I a God near by," says the Lord, "and not a God far off? Who can hide in secret places so that I cannot see them?" says the Lord. "Do I not fill heaven and earth?" says the Lord.
Ok, I guess that is enough for now.... there are so many other stories and such that I wish to share! (I love the Word of God!)
Seriously though, who wants to take this challenge with me?
1. God is really big
2. God knows everything
3. God is in control
I think most X's would agree - even if you are an open theist - you would agree that God is the being who is at least in control of being in control, and just chooses to let Godself be moved by God's love for us.
That being said, I think I have pinpointed a sadness, a grief if you will, that I have been feeling in regards to my family in God.
I am grieved that we say that we think God is in control and then speak/act as though God is not.
You are probably thinking, "thank you captain obvious."
Let me explain, no, let me sum up (didya catch that?):
The general grip/worry/lament of X is that the world is going to hell in a handbasket. We are worried by sex/violence/cussing in film, sad tales from the news, porn in romance novels and the internet, racism, classism, lack of social justice, etc. These are all things that are not necessarily such good things. I see that we have something to be sad about.
BUT what I am thinking is that our regrets and complaints are distracting us from remembering that God is sovereign. (If your theology allows for God to not be sovereign, then I guess you are off the hook on this on, and that is cool too.)
If we believe God to be in control, knowing all things, then why do we as a religion/faith get so bent out of shape about all these crappy things happening as though God needs our help stopping it?
I mean, all the junk that is around is all the same junk that was around through all of history - judgment/sex/violence/abuse/"isms". It only feels worse perhaps because we are in the middle of it. Or maybe TV and the information age allows us to be way more aware of all the stuff that happens - whatever - the point is that there is nothing new under the sun - including sin.
SOOO - if God was able to be a redemptive force all those many years ago, why isn't God able to be a redemptive agent even now?
This idea is tough because it will cause us to rethink how we view our roles in the work of God. If this is so, we are no longer allowed to be nay-sayers but are now required to be light and salt and the physical manifestation of the hand of God's reconciliation wherever we go - even if it gets us killed (hmmmmm.... sound familiar?)
To reframe how we see God's presence and ability in the world, we are suddenly much more responsible to, well, respond.
I almost feel like my complaining is a moot point. Shit happens. How you deal with it is more important than trying to prevent it. (Although I can't pull myself away from the call to try my best to not be the cause of that shit, mind you. There is still something to be said about living a life of holiness. Does saying shit make me unholy? It's not like the word "crap" or "stuff" wouldn't have meant the same thing in my heart.... ok, ok, I'll stop on that for now)
Anyway, trying to prevent sin can only go so far... we take the action that we can with all the grace that we can. BUT, when the sin happens, or is happening, that is when I need to chill and deal with the situation in the most "I believe God is in control" way possible.
For example: Hollywood makes rated R movies. Deal. It is not going to stop anytime soon. If the option of complaining about it/rejecting it is taken out of the picture, what next?
Perhaps seeing that Hollywood is doing us a favor?
Hollywood is actually exposing a lot of the things that are the realities of everyday life for many people. We as X's now have an opportunity to engage the people of the world that are pre-believing with an understanding of the questions, concerns, fears, angers, emotions, etc. that they are experiencing.
Awesome! God, once again, in God's sovereignty, is using what was intended (perhaps?) as evil for good! God is being God's glorious, wonderful, graceful, redemptive, reconciling self - and working everything for good for those who love God and are called according to God's purpose.... God is using Hollywood to be the prophet so we can be the healers and ministers and join people in the response to the sin that is exposed.
I really want to reexamine how I view God. I say God is sovereign, now I want to start living like that more intentionally. Who wants to join me?
Here are some verses that are helping me refocus. If it feels like to you that I am proof texting, I am sorry. All I can say is that these verses/passages are working on me right now as little mantras of hope....
Romans 8: 9-12:
You, however, are not controlled by the sinful nature but are in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you. Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation--but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it.
Romans 8:26-28
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. And God, who searches the heart, knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.
Psalm 86: 7-11
In the day of my trouble I call on you, for you will answer me.
There is none like you among the gods, O Lord, nor are there any works like yours.
All the nations you have made shall come and bow down before you, O Lord, and shall glorify your name.
For you are great and do wondrous things; you alone are God.
Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart to revere your name.
All of Job 38-41 (perhaps take a gander at Job's response)
Jeremiah 23:23-24
"Am I a God near by," says the Lord, "and not a God far off? Who can hide in secret places so that I cannot see them?" says the Lord. "Do I not fill heaven and earth?" says the Lord.
Ok, I guess that is enough for now.... there are so many other stories and such that I wish to share! (I love the Word of God!)
Seriously though, who wants to take this challenge with me?
attempting to actually work this thing.
I am freaking trying to get this pic as my profile pic and it won't let me and that BUGS!!!!!
I think I want a real live web site so that I can put on there whatever I want! I am tired of this blogger thing not letting me do what I want!
Fie!
On a side note, it's pretty funny-odd that the expression on my face in this pic shows the exact opposite than what I am feeling right now. Again, Fie!
I think I want a real live web site so that I can put on there whatever I want! I am tired of this blogger thing not letting me do what I want!
Fie!
On a side note, it's pretty funny-odd that the expression on my face in this pic shows the exact opposite than what I am feeling right now. Again, Fie!
Sunday, July 2
God is moving!
This week has been tiring and amazing. God has been moving! What I really like is that God showed me God's hand of omnipresence this week. God was at Camp in FL and Wild Oats in CA. God was in a sermon in South Branden and a coffee date in Pasadena.
I really like that God is everywhere doing wonderful things all the time. What I don't like is how I miss it so often because I am busy being self-focused on what is going on in my little life in my little city in my little mind!
I was so blessed yesterday by the Mister telling me his stories from camp.... God touched kids, reconciled relationships and brought the realization the we just plain need community. I was so overwhelmed I couldn't even respond.... and you know me... I can ALWAYS respond!
God is also doing a bunch of stuff at WO - two new managers, hearts that are breaking, questions galore, real-life ministry.
I know that I am doing ministry right here, right now. All my seminary education is right here, right now. Wow. It really is paying off. Well, kinda. Paying off in the spiritual sense, not so much in the financial sense.
I am so excited to see more of the movement; highly anticipating more of the Holy Spirit. I want to be a part of this movement for sure - I miss it, I miss the HS, I miss the reality of the impossible.
I love God. More Lord, More Lord, More Lord. Amen.
I really like that God is everywhere doing wonderful things all the time. What I don't like is how I miss it so often because I am busy being self-focused on what is going on in my little life in my little city in my little mind!
I was so blessed yesterday by the Mister telling me his stories from camp.... God touched kids, reconciled relationships and brought the realization the we just plain need community. I was so overwhelmed I couldn't even respond.... and you know me... I can ALWAYS respond!
God is also doing a bunch of stuff at WO - two new managers, hearts that are breaking, questions galore, real-life ministry.
I know that I am doing ministry right here, right now. All my seminary education is right here, right now. Wow. It really is paying off. Well, kinda. Paying off in the spiritual sense, not so much in the financial sense.
I am so excited to see more of the movement; highly anticipating more of the Holy Spirit. I want to be a part of this movement for sure - I miss it, I miss the HS, I miss the reality of the impossible.
I love God. More Lord, More Lord, More Lord. Amen.
Friday, June 30
Charmed again
He has verbally expressed he isn't so hot on text messaging.
Usually only short responses; I always text first.
Texted me this morning.
Unprompted.
*sigh*
Usually only short responses; I always text first.
Texted me this morning.
Unprompted.
*sigh*
Tuesday, June 27
I love culture?
I found this book:
Pomosexuals: Challenging Assumptions About Gender and Sexuality ed. by Carol Quenn and Lawrence Schimel
The book was obviously kindly and carefully written to those of the lesbian/gay lifestyle who are seeking to understand their sexuality in relation to other lesbian/gay people. I am an outsider. I feel like I stumbled upon some beautifully dangerous Portrait-of-Dorian-Grey-esqe opium pit. (I am Dorian Grey btw.) I am shocked and a bit embarrassed by my reaction to picking up this book.
The most wonderfully surprising thing about this book is the strange commradery that I feel with the different writers. This quote, hopefully, we example that to you:
"There are derogatory words, like queer and slut and whore and the notorious N-word, that some people want to reclaim, even wear as a badge of honor, a Purple Heart for survivors of intolerance. There are words like Christian or lesbian, that carry a different value judgement depending on who is speaking and who is listening. And there are words like sex and power and anger and pride, words that carry mixed judgements in themselves almost regardless of who says or hears them."
Mostly the book is about loaded language. I suppose you could read Telford Work or someone more "Christiany" (not that Telford Work is X-y, just that he is way more intellectual about it and therefore more boring) and get the same gist, but perhaps stepping really, really far out of our comfort zones will make this soup spicier. And hey! It's about sex! You all know how much I am fascinated by the way we (especially X's!) view sex!
Love that the title is Pomosexuals. Totally took postmodernism to another level. It made me think of Barry and Craig's Matrix of Meanings book. We are truly post-sexual.
Not much more to say about that... maybe more as the book unfolds.
Pomosexuals: Challenging Assumptions About Gender and Sexuality ed. by Carol Quenn and Lawrence Schimel
The book was obviously kindly and carefully written to those of the lesbian/gay lifestyle who are seeking to understand their sexuality in relation to other lesbian/gay people. I am an outsider. I feel like I stumbled upon some beautifully dangerous Portrait-of-Dorian-Grey-esqe opium pit. (I am Dorian Grey btw.) I am shocked and a bit embarrassed by my reaction to picking up this book.
The most wonderfully surprising thing about this book is the strange commradery that I feel with the different writers. This quote, hopefully, we example that to you:
"There are derogatory words, like queer and slut and whore and the notorious N-word, that some people want to reclaim, even wear as a badge of honor, a Purple Heart for survivors of intolerance. There are words like Christian or lesbian, that carry a different value judgement depending on who is speaking and who is listening. And there are words like sex and power and anger and pride, words that carry mixed judgements in themselves almost regardless of who says or hears them."
Mostly the book is about loaded language. I suppose you could read Telford Work or someone more "Christiany" (not that Telford Work is X-y, just that he is way more intellectual about it and therefore more boring) and get the same gist, but perhaps stepping really, really far out of our comfort zones will make this soup spicier. And hey! It's about sex! You all know how much I am fascinated by the way we (especially X's!) view sex!
Love that the title is Pomosexuals. Totally took postmodernism to another level. It made me think of Barry and Craig's Matrix of Meanings book. We are truly post-sexual.
Not much more to say about that... maybe more as the book unfolds.
Friday, June 23
Uh-oh...
Last night and the night before I had the distinct pleasure of conversing with an extrememly intelligent (and might I say handsome) young man on the various impacts the current United States theology makes on both local and global churches.
Words that nary have graced some ears, such as "hermanutic" and "theological sophistication" were copiously used.
As we pondered the solutions to such matters as the problem of upper-middle-class disconnect with the reality of the Old Testament prophetic speeches on financial justice and the issue of localized ethics being more necessary than general "Christian Ethics" (note: as said young man put it: "What has happened when a pastor finds himself repenting to his congregation for an affair? Which small choices led to that?" to which I responded, in agreement, "It's the little foxes that spoil the vine.") I was charmed to the core. Even though our topics grim, my heart smiled and my face showed it. I know because I immediately headed to Community Group! after the conversation, where it was quickly and loudly announced that I was "glowing."
I insisted it was the sticky summer sweat, but inside I knew I had been caught.
Then it hit me, like a ton of bricks: I am totalty enamored by men who can talk practical theology and politics and philosophy and interpretation and church history and, well, all things intelligencia.
To charm me, just mention Pinnock with a whisper or contextual ministry with a smile.
Discuss the meaning of life as a person of powerlessness in a traditionalist society.
Talk dirty politics to me.
Dang.
That means I am dork.
Words that nary have graced some ears, such as "hermanutic" and "theological sophistication" were copiously used.
As we pondered the solutions to such matters as the problem of upper-middle-class disconnect with the reality of the Old Testament prophetic speeches on financial justice and the issue of localized ethics being more necessary than general "Christian Ethics" (note: as said young man put it: "What has happened when a pastor finds himself repenting to his congregation for an affair? Which small choices led to that?" to which I responded, in agreement, "It's the little foxes that spoil the vine.") I was charmed to the core. Even though our topics grim, my heart smiled and my face showed it. I know because I immediately headed to Community Group! after the conversation, where it was quickly and loudly announced that I was "glowing."
I insisted it was the sticky summer sweat, but inside I knew I had been caught.
Then it hit me, like a ton of bricks: I am totalty enamored by men who can talk practical theology and politics and philosophy and interpretation and church history and, well, all things intelligencia.
To charm me, just mention Pinnock with a whisper or contextual ministry with a smile.
Discuss the meaning of life as a person of powerlessness in a traditionalist society.
Talk dirty politics to me.
Dang.
That means I am dork.
Wednesday, June 21
Saturday, June 17
Oh my gosh......
Ok - exactly 5 hours long.....
the bases are loaded with two outs and Crosby is up...
come on come on.....
WE CAN DO THIS!!!!!
Crowd on thier feet Crosby is hitting 253
ball two!!!!
*biting my nails!!!!!****
ball three!!!!!!
if he walks him then the A's WIN!!!!!
how anti-climactic!
3-1 (grrrr)
YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
Ball FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE OAKLAND A'S HAVE WON!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE NINTH GAME IN A ROW!!!!!!!!!!
FINAL SCORE: 5-4
YESYESYESYESYESYESYES
btw.... Mark Lovers - kiss my toe baby!
the bases are loaded with two outs and Crosby is up...
come on come on.....
WE CAN DO THIS!!!!!
Crowd on thier feet Crosby is hitting 253
ball two!!!!
*biting my nails!!!!!****
ball three!!!!!!
if he walks him then the A's WIN!!!!!
how anti-climactic!
3-1 (grrrr)
YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
Ball FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE OAKLAND A'S HAVE WON!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE NINTH GAME IN A ROW!!!!!!!!!!
FINAL SCORE: 5-4
YESYESYESYESYESYESYES
btw.... Mark Lovers - kiss my toe baby!
wow
It is 10:50pm on Saturday PM and the Dodgers and A's are in bottom of the 17th inning - score is 4-4. Yup, that is what I said - the SEVENTEENTH!!!!!!! INNING!!!!!!! The last time the Dodgers went 16 innings was like four years ago, but I can't remember against who. The last time the A's went 16 was.... I dunno. Five hour game so far friends. They must be really tired. I am tired just watching it for goodness sake!
The longest game in history was 8 hours and 6 minutes and was freaking 25 innings long! I believe it was in '84, and I believe it was Chicago White Sox and Milwakee Brewers with Chicago taking it 7-6. Look it up on www.MLB.com to check me. I also see to recall that the most innings played was 26, but the game was still less than 8h6m - and I think that was like in 1920 in Boston or something. Again...check me on that.
I think we should win.
And by the way, "we" means the A's.
The longest game in history was 8 hours and 6 minutes and was freaking 25 innings long! I believe it was in '84, and I believe it was Chicago White Sox and Milwakee Brewers with Chicago taking it 7-6. Look it up on www.MLB.com to check me. I also see to recall that the most innings played was 26, but the game was still less than 8h6m - and I think that was like in 1920 in Boston or something. Again...check me on that.
I think we should win.
And by the way, "we" means the A's.
Friday, June 16
I did it with help
Here is Jenn and I right after the graduation ceremony. I am not sure what we are so happy about. Maybe the fact that I will no longer annoy her with boring drivel about classes and irritations about having to study. Or maybe we just love each other.
Jenn is at GA ( it's a Presby thing that I don't really understand.)
I really, really miss her. She is very important to me.
Actually...I am missing a lot of people lately. My Family, Sara and BeeGee and Uriah, Jenn, Paul.... today is kind of a sad day... but I will certainly get over it.
I like that about myself. I get over things pretty quickly. Paul had a good word for this the other day: Resilient. I am gonna own that description. It feels good to be able to say I am resilient.
Just give me the space to feel my stuff and then I am A-OK. I really do think that generally this is a good quality... sometimes people hold stuff in forever and never feel it out - I have learned that this reaction isn't so good.
I would rather feel it and then be free to release it then hold on to it and have it run me over like a truck later.
SOOOO - this morning I am missing people and my heart hurts. BUT - I am resilient, durable and flexible.
"I like it! That's my new philosophy!" (Sally Brown - Charlie's sister)
Jenn is at GA ( it's a Presby thing that I don't really understand.)
I really, really miss her. She is very important to me.
Actually...I am missing a lot of people lately. My Family, Sara and BeeGee and Uriah, Jenn, Paul.... today is kind of a sad day... but I will certainly get over it.
I like that about myself. I get over things pretty quickly. Paul had a good word for this the other day: Resilient. I am gonna own that description. It feels good to be able to say I am resilient.
Just give me the space to feel my stuff and then I am A-OK. I really do think that generally this is a good quality... sometimes people hold stuff in forever and never feel it out - I have learned that this reaction isn't so good.
I would rather feel it and then be free to release it then hold on to it and have it run me over like a truck later.
SOOOO - this morning I am missing people and my heart hurts. BUT - I am resilient, durable and flexible.
"I like it! That's my new philosophy!" (Sally Brown - Charlie's sister)
Wednesday, June 14
On being twitterpayted....
I graduated last Saturday and I now work at Wild Oats and love it - but I don't really want to talk about that right now. Right now, I wanna talk about love (the romantic kind - not the happy Jesus kind - although I do take issue with separating the two... but that is for another day).
So, here are some questions.... based on recent conversations with the women-folk and the interesting "love life" issues that have popped up for us in the past six months... I am curious to all your responses.
1. If you like someone but then they don't like you, should you stick in there or should you bail?
2. For how long should you pine/when should you bail?
which leads to:
2. Is unrequited love from God?
3. Should you get back with ex's? Pros and Cons?
4. Should we as Christians try to take romantic relationships into our own hands?
meaning:
5. How much imput do we/should we have in our own love lives?
6. Why is it so damn scary to fall in love?
7. What happens when you fall in love and you are too scared to act on it?
which brings up:
8. How much work and pain and risk is too much work and pain and risk?
All of these things have been swimming about in my gray matter for awhile. Mostly because of a great couple-friend of mine who worked their ASSES off to be in relationship and are now getting married - I am so touched by their story.
Also, because another little missy sister has been in love with this guy for like 2 years and he is not so much and she can't pull away.... she is not a crazy woman!!! She is sane and sure and beautiful and spirit-led... but this love for this man has her ravished.
AND, I have been on my own saga (drama!?) of romance over the past 8 months or so and I am not sure how to proceed because I am full of wonderment and excitment and fear and joy and trepidation all at once.
Internal monologue alert!!! Internal monologue alert!!
I feel like this love thing is much harder than I thought it should be. At first I thought that it was hard because I had not "found the right person." But ya know what? As of late, EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP that I have spoken with friends about, heard about, been in, tried out, learned about - has been HARD.
DAMN! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN EASY RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!
But, hey, ya know what else? Every one of those relationships that I know have been super-hard have come out on the other side being super-amazing. Maybe it has to do with our age... we are too experienced and life educated to happ-hazzardly "fall" in love anymore. We know too much. We have hurt and been hurt too often. We have been stupid ass idiot heads far too many times.... Simply put... I know better than to "fall" in love.
Oh no, my friends... we no longer "fall" in love:
We walk, heads held somewhat high -
tied to the arm of God -
bound up in our issues, fears, assumptions, fantasies and hopes -
as Shadrach/Meshach/Abednego -
into the raging seven-times-hotter fire -
and we burn
and trust
and fear
and trust
and cry
and trust
and fear some more.
We penetrate, totally aware of the heat that flickers at our toes
into - oh my goodness/help me Jesus - love.
Yet somewhere deep down we know
even though terrified by it,
even though hating it,
even though called "stupidfoolishcrazy - walk yourself/your lover/together like that in a fire on purpose?"
That when we come out, we will stand free of all which bound us.
We will not reek of smoke.
We will not die in what should have killed us.
We will stand tall, completely aware of our foolish faith.
And those around us will see the extra figure in the fire.... and our stories will testify... our stories will encourage... our stories will be those that make up a diary of the best kind of love story there is:
the intentional, unconditional, broken, beaten, resurrected, fought for, valuable love story that is most closely akin
to the love story that is us and God.
.................
I guess I answered my own questions.
Bring it on.
So, here are some questions.... based on recent conversations with the women-folk and the interesting "love life" issues that have popped up for us in the past six months... I am curious to all your responses.
1. If you like someone but then they don't like you, should you stick in there or should you bail?
2. For how long should you pine/when should you bail?
which leads to:
2. Is unrequited love from God?
3. Should you get back with ex's? Pros and Cons?
4. Should we as Christians try to take romantic relationships into our own hands?
meaning:
5. How much imput do we/should we have in our own love lives?
6. Why is it so damn scary to fall in love?
7. What happens when you fall in love and you are too scared to act on it?
which brings up:
8. How much work and pain and risk is too much work and pain and risk?
All of these things have been swimming about in my gray matter for awhile. Mostly because of a great couple-friend of mine who worked their ASSES off to be in relationship and are now getting married - I am so touched by their story.
Also, because another little missy sister has been in love with this guy for like 2 years and he is not so much and she can't pull away.... she is not a crazy woman!!! She is sane and sure and beautiful and spirit-led... but this love for this man has her ravished.
AND, I have been on my own saga (drama!?) of romance over the past 8 months or so and I am not sure how to proceed because I am full of wonderment and excitment and fear and joy and trepidation all at once.
Internal monologue alert!!! Internal monologue alert!!
I feel like this love thing is much harder than I thought it should be. At first I thought that it was hard because I had not "found the right person." But ya know what? As of late, EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP that I have spoken with friends about, heard about, been in, tried out, learned about - has been HARD.
DAMN! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN EASY RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!
But, hey, ya know what else? Every one of those relationships that I know have been super-hard have come out on the other side being super-amazing. Maybe it has to do with our age... we are too experienced and life educated to happ-hazzardly "fall" in love anymore. We know too much. We have hurt and been hurt too often. We have been stupid ass idiot heads far too many times.... Simply put... I know better than to "fall" in love.
Oh no, my friends... we no longer "fall" in love:
We walk, heads held somewhat high -
tied to the arm of God -
bound up in our issues, fears, assumptions, fantasies and hopes -
as Shadrach/Meshach/Abednego -
into the raging seven-times-hotter fire -
and we burn
and trust
and fear
and trust
and cry
and trust
and fear some more.
We penetrate, totally aware of the heat that flickers at our toes
into - oh my goodness/help me Jesus - love.
Yet somewhere deep down we know
even though terrified by it,
even though hating it,
even though called "stupidfoolishcrazy - walk yourself/your lover/together like that in a fire on purpose?"
That when we come out, we will stand free of all which bound us.
We will not reek of smoke.
We will not die in what should have killed us.
We will stand tall, completely aware of our foolish faith.
And those around us will see the extra figure in the fire.... and our stories will testify... our stories will encourage... our stories will be those that make up a diary of the best kind of love story there is:
the intentional, unconditional, broken, beaten, resurrected, fought for, valuable love story that is most closely akin
to the love story that is us and God.
.................
I guess I answered my own questions.
Bring it on.
Monday, June 5
For Rachel...
Rach is irritated with me about not talking about dates:
The best story up until now is this:
I went on a fabulous date to San Diego. I think it was the best first-date experience I have ever had. The man made PLANS for goodness sake! We went to a baseball game (OH YEAH!!!!) and went to Seaport(?) Village and Coronado and La Jolla and his place to cook together (another OH YEAH!!!!!).
The best part was when I cut the very tippy tip of my finger off. And passed out in his living room.
Classic.
Lucklily, he is a doctor. Interstingly, he is not THAT kind of doctor, but he did really well acting like one. And damn if dessert wasn't awesome.
The best story up until now is this:
I went on a fabulous date to San Diego. I think it was the best first-date experience I have ever had. The man made PLANS for goodness sake! We went to a baseball game (OH YEAH!!!!) and went to Seaport(?) Village and Coronado and La Jolla and his place to cook together (another OH YEAH!!!!!).
The best part was when I cut the very tippy tip of my finger off. And passed out in his living room.
Classic.
Lucklily, he is a doctor. Interstingly, he is not THAT kind of doctor, but he did really well acting like one. And damn if dessert wasn't awesome.
At Sara and Uriah and LUCY'S!! AHHHH
So, the realization that I am really going to be an auntie is hitting me pretty hard. This, on top of the whole graduation thing, has catapulted me into the "ah-ha" of the next stage of life. Sara's baby shower came quickly on the heals of the Master's Project finishing. She is big and round and beautiful. Her shower was exquisite- there was so much wonderful gourmet food and drink (only one veggie option, but that helped with the calorie counting!) and her mom made a cute cake that looked like a hot air balloon with a little baby in it.
The baby's name is Lucy. I am happy because that is the name I voted for. The choice was between Lucy and Emma. Don't get me wrong, I really love the name Emma, but so does everyone else lately, so, of course, I couldn't be like everyone else, and so I voted for Lucy. Wahoo! I won!
I think I should get a prize. Like a T-shirt that says "I picked my neice's name and you didn't. Ha." Maybe that is too rude. I dunno.
I am writing this from their computer - we are off to Napa today to buy some good Pine Ridge Charmstone (you can only get it here) - one of the best varital reds I have ever had for the price (only like 30 bucks!) We just got back from doing a favorite AM activity of mine: walking to a local coffee house, sitting and reading and people watching and talking. Embracing the day... and boy oh boy...Phillipians is doing a number on me.
Yesterday was SHOPPING (duh! I'm with Sara!) and church at my old co-pastors.... that was interesting. I love them so much... I also realized how much I love CHURCH! too and that we are all part of this worldwide faith in Christ. (WARNING: THEOLOGY TALK APPROACHING!!!)
So here we are - in this SUPER fired-up, loud, amazingly excellent music service. We are singing and laughing and some are dancing and kneeling and shouting. I'm thinking, "wow. I miss this." But then I remember my church in Pasadena and I start to cry. I am thinking,"wow. I miss them."
I did not feel removed, I felt apart, but attached. I think I may have actually felt what Paul felt when he told the church in Phillipi "I thank my God everytime I remember you, constantly praying with joy in every one of my prayers for you, because of your sharing in the gospel from the first day until now."
I was loving the arms of God that held me during that Emeryville service - yet I was missing the feet of God that walk with me in Pasadena.
The beauty was in the connection I felt to the worldwide church. I knew that I was grafted to this huge, cross-cultural, cross-boundaried, diverse, expansive, timeless thing called the kingdom of God. I had, in the truest sense of the word, a catholic moment.
More on that later I suppose....
I am still ruminating.... still marinating....
The baby's name is Lucy. I am happy because that is the name I voted for. The choice was between Lucy and Emma. Don't get me wrong, I really love the name Emma, but so does everyone else lately, so, of course, I couldn't be like everyone else, and so I voted for Lucy. Wahoo! I won!
I think I should get a prize. Like a T-shirt that says "I picked my neice's name and you didn't. Ha." Maybe that is too rude. I dunno.
I am writing this from their computer - we are off to Napa today to buy some good Pine Ridge Charmstone (you can only get it here) - one of the best varital reds I have ever had for the price (only like 30 bucks!) We just got back from doing a favorite AM activity of mine: walking to a local coffee house, sitting and reading and people watching and talking. Embracing the day... and boy oh boy...Phillipians is doing a number on me.
Yesterday was SHOPPING (duh! I'm with Sara!) and church at my old co-pastors.... that was interesting. I love them so much... I also realized how much I love CHURCH! too and that we are all part of this worldwide faith in Christ. (WARNING: THEOLOGY TALK APPROACHING!!!)
So here we are - in this SUPER fired-up, loud, amazingly excellent music service. We are singing and laughing and some are dancing and kneeling and shouting. I'm thinking, "wow. I miss this." But then I remember my church in Pasadena and I start to cry. I am thinking,"wow. I miss them."
I did not feel removed, I felt apart, but attached. I think I may have actually felt what Paul felt when he told the church in Phillipi "I thank my God everytime I remember you, constantly praying with joy in every one of my prayers for you, because of your sharing in the gospel from the first day until now."
I was loving the arms of God that held me during that Emeryville service - yet I was missing the feet of God that walk with me in Pasadena.
The beauty was in the connection I felt to the worldwide church. I knew that I was grafted to this huge, cross-cultural, cross-boundaried, diverse, expansive, timeless thing called the kingdom of God. I had, in the truest sense of the word, a catholic moment.
More on that later I suppose....
I am still ruminating.... still marinating....
Wednesday, May 24
Finally an update!
So, I have been a little gone for the past couple weeks. The intriguing thing is that I have felt very present to myself everyday. This is good - as it has been a little tumultuous in that department over the last couple years. "Where am I?" is what I have often found myself wondering...
So, here, I am... and since my last post I have been to 5 parties, 2 hikes, 6 runs, 23 trips to Peet's, 1 trip to the mall, cleaned my room and significantly re-destroyed it 4 times, worked over 40 hours, conducted 7 rehearsals, picked up my regalia for baccalaureate/graduation, and sent off most of my program notes for my master's project to the productionist. Oh yeah, and I caught a cold which I am currently nursing. (I think there was a date or two in there as well ;) )
I am surprisingly not exhausted though! Nice!
SOOO, exciting news! I am going to watch the Padre's play in Petco Park this Saturday! My first time there and one more ballpark to check off the list! Groovy! The NL West is pretty competitive right now, so even though San Diego is on the bottom of the list, any game can turn the tides! I love it when we are in that part of the season when every game counts. My A's are in that space right now (well, kinda) with Texas and the Angels... we are always fiddling around our position. The summer months are always fun for ball because it is far enough into the season when most games mean something but you still have a little while before you have to relinquish your hope. In June/July/August we all still have a chance.... I mean at this time last year the Astros were like 15 games back... and they made it all the way! I mean, really, The Astros began the year with a list of problems! Lance Berkman was out for like a month following offseason knee surgery. Jeff Bagwell struggled through a painful first month before deciding it was time to go on the disabled list. AND nearly one-third of the roster was hit with everything from the flu to pneumonia to upper respiratory infections!!!! BUT BUT BUT - the Astros recovered from their abysmal start to go 74-43 the rest of the year -- a .632 winning percentage over four months! Mind you, the White Sox took it 4-0 in the series... but that is a great story too since they hadn't won a World Series Championship since 1917! And... Interestingly enough... the White Sox won their last eight games of the playoffs, tying the all-time record for consecutive wins in a single postseason with the Boston Red Sox in 2004. The Pale Hose were 11-1 overall in the postseason (3-0 in DS; 4-1 in LCS; 4-0 in WS). Since the beginning of Division play and the LCS in 1969, Chicago is one of seven teams to go through a postseason with one or fewer losses.
Just to show you, check this out:
Year Team Record Loss
1976 Cincinnati 7-0 None
1999 New York (AL) 11-1 ALCS Game 3
2005 CHICAGO (AL) 11-1 ALCS Game 1
1989 Oakland 8-1 ALCS Game 3
1969 New York (NL) 7-1 WS Game 1
1970 Baltimore 7-1 WS Game 4
1984 Detroit 7-1 WS Game 2
And yes, I wanted to point out that my babies were on that list, thank you very much. It was the Battle of the Bay series and the earthquake happened. I saw it on TV - it was the pregame hullabaloo - I think I wound up under the kitchen table though.
ANYWAY - I graduate in - count 'em - 17 days. That is less than 3 weeks... less than a month... all the work I have for school will be done June 2nd, when my Master's Project goes up. That is in a week and 2 days. Holy Cabooses.
The master's project is coming along - I am doing this crazy thing where we use theatre to talk about sex. SO - theatre, God, Christianity, sex. Yeah, the biggies. It'll be great.
Going to Sara's baby shower on the 3rd and I start my new part time job at Wild Oats next week sometime! WOW! Looks like I might get some new voice students too!
Well.... hopefully I won't be so long in the chatter next time...... off to work ATC!
So, here, I am... and since my last post I have been to 5 parties, 2 hikes, 6 runs, 23 trips to Peet's, 1 trip to the mall, cleaned my room and significantly re-destroyed it 4 times, worked over 40 hours, conducted 7 rehearsals, picked up my regalia for baccalaureate/graduation, and sent off most of my program notes for my master's project to the productionist. Oh yeah, and I caught a cold which I am currently nursing. (I think there was a date or two in there as well ;) )
I am surprisingly not exhausted though! Nice!
SOOO, exciting news! I am going to watch the Padre's play in Petco Park this Saturday! My first time there and one more ballpark to check off the list! Groovy! The NL West is pretty competitive right now, so even though San Diego is on the bottom of the list, any game can turn the tides! I love it when we are in that part of the season when every game counts. My A's are in that space right now (well, kinda) with Texas and the Angels... we are always fiddling around our position. The summer months are always fun for ball because it is far enough into the season when most games mean something but you still have a little while before you have to relinquish your hope. In June/July/August we all still have a chance.... I mean at this time last year the Astros were like 15 games back... and they made it all the way! I mean, really, The Astros began the year with a list of problems! Lance Berkman was out for like a month following offseason knee surgery. Jeff Bagwell struggled through a painful first month before deciding it was time to go on the disabled list. AND nearly one-third of the roster was hit with everything from the flu to pneumonia to upper respiratory infections!!!! BUT BUT BUT - the Astros recovered from their abysmal start to go 74-43 the rest of the year -- a .632 winning percentage over four months! Mind you, the White Sox took it 4-0 in the series... but that is a great story too since they hadn't won a World Series Championship since 1917! And... Interestingly enough... the White Sox won their last eight games of the playoffs, tying the all-time record for consecutive wins in a single postseason with the Boston Red Sox in 2004. The Pale Hose were 11-1 overall in the postseason (3-0 in DS; 4-1 in LCS; 4-0 in WS). Since the beginning of Division play and the LCS in 1969, Chicago is one of seven teams to go through a postseason with one or fewer losses.
Just to show you, check this out:
Year Team Record Loss
1976 Cincinnati 7-0 None
1999 New York (AL) 11-1 ALCS Game 3
2005 CHICAGO (AL) 11-1 ALCS Game 1
1989 Oakland 8-1 ALCS Game 3
1969 New York (NL) 7-1 WS Game 1
1970 Baltimore 7-1 WS Game 4
1984 Detroit 7-1 WS Game 2
And yes, I wanted to point out that my babies were on that list, thank you very much. It was the Battle of the Bay series and the earthquake happened. I saw it on TV - it was the pregame hullabaloo - I think I wound up under the kitchen table though.
ANYWAY - I graduate in - count 'em - 17 days. That is less than 3 weeks... less than a month... all the work I have for school will be done June 2nd, when my Master's Project goes up. That is in a week and 2 days. Holy Cabooses.
The master's project is coming along - I am doing this crazy thing where we use theatre to talk about sex. SO - theatre, God, Christianity, sex. Yeah, the biggies. It'll be great.
Going to Sara's baby shower on the 3rd and I start my new part time job at Wild Oats next week sometime! WOW! Looks like I might get some new voice students too!
Well.... hopefully I won't be so long in the chatter next time...... off to work ATC!
Monday, May 8
Discovery is fun
Last night I went to my friend Feminary's birthday party. Her husband told her she is now "old + 1" which I thought was funny, but untrue. This woman is NOT old - she is graced. I got to look at a ton of great pics and a really creative timeline that she had made up for herself and learn more about her.
I went away from the party with a beautiful new understanding of who she is and the journey that has formed her. I was so touched by her large and varied circle of friends and so moved by her willingness to share so much of herself.
Just goes to show you - you will never know the treasures that lie inside of your friends until you take the time to find out.
I feel a treasure hunt coming on...
I went away from the party with a beautiful new understanding of who she is and the journey that has formed her. I was so touched by her large and varied circle of friends and so moved by her willingness to share so much of herself.
Just goes to show you - you will never know the treasures that lie inside of your friends until you take the time to find out.
I feel a treasure hunt coming on...
Friday, May 5
I love my team.... I love baseball
I had the fortune to see my team - the A's - play two days in a row! YES!!!!
if you click on this pick it will take you to MORE pics of my boyfriends in Oakland. And yes, I am robbing the cradle.
Oh yeah...we won both games. And I sat next to Eric Chavez' parents. Cool.
if you click on this pick it will take you to MORE pics of my boyfriends in Oakland. And yes, I am robbing the cradle.
Oh yeah...we won both games. And I sat next to Eric Chavez' parents. Cool.
VIVA LA RAZA!!!!!
Hola!
¡Feliz Cinco de Mayo! ¡Celebre con sabor! ¡Celebre nuestros hermanos y a hermanas en México! ¡Ore para su seguridad y su éxito!
Deseo que mi español mas fuera y exacto, pero neccesito hacer el mejor con lo que usted tiene.
Right?
¡Feliz Cinco de Mayo! ¡Celebre con sabor! ¡Celebre nuestros hermanos y a hermanas en México! ¡Ore para su seguridad y su éxito!
Deseo que mi español mas fuera y exacto, pero neccesito hacer el mejor con lo que usted tiene.
Right?
Monday, May 1
MAYDAY! MAYDAY!
HAPPY HAPPY MAY DAY!!!!!!
If we were in England, I wouldn't be blogging on work time because we would have the day off and then we could have a picnic and go to the pub for ale at night.
MAN! I wanna live in England today!
If we were in England, I wouldn't be blogging on work time because we would have the day off and then we could have a picnic and go to the pub for ale at night.
MAN! I wanna live in England today!
Friday, April 28
Manhattan in California?
This is one of the pics I took when my Sara came to town many months ago. (Ya know, the trip where I found out I was gonna be an Auntie!) The pics turned out beautifully. I love living in a place where I can have NO photography talent and yet still get great pics! God's creation makes me look way more talented than I am!
Thursday, April 27
More proof I am a nerd....
I spent two hours reading this website today.... and loving it.
It has inspired me to start a rousing campaign to bring this back into the venacular.
Rad.
It has inspired me to start a rousing campaign to bring this back into the venacular.
Rad.
Friday, April 21
Happenings
Lots of things have been happenings!
Sarah S came out for a little 30th b-day celebratin' and Disney fun! Here we is:
For some weird reason, we saw fit to take various pics of ourselves from above. Maybe we think it makes us look thinner.
And, of course, what would a B-day celebration be without beverage - and the ensuing beverage photos?
I like how the glass looks like it is sweating - if you look real close you can see a beautifully purple-ee blue outline around the kidney bean shaped reflection in the 2nd pic. Cooooooool.
After a LOOONNNGGG dress rehearsal for next weeks ArtsFest Dance/Poetry night, I was able to see some church buds and that was MUCH needed. LOVE IT.....
Rach is in town, I will see her tonight - I am VERY EXCITED!
By the way - whoever posted the great poem for Easter - boo! on you for being anon. and yea! on you for sharing the inspiration.
Sarah S came out for a little 30th b-day celebratin' and Disney fun! Here we is:
For some weird reason, we saw fit to take various pics of ourselves from above. Maybe we think it makes us look thinner.And, of course, what would a B-day celebration be without beverage - and the ensuing beverage photos?
I like how the glass looks like it is sweating - if you look real close you can see a beautifully purple-ee blue outline around the kidney bean shaped reflection in the 2nd pic. Cooooooool.After a LOOONNNGGG dress rehearsal for next weeks ArtsFest Dance/Poetry night, I was able to see some church buds and that was MUCH needed. LOVE IT.....
Rach is in town, I will see her tonight - I am VERY EXCITED!
By the way - whoever posted the great poem for Easter - boo! on you for being anon. and yea! on you for sharing the inspiration.
Sunday, April 16
Wednesday, April 12
Apathy
There is a real good song that has these lines:
What a beautiful piece of heartache
this has all turned out to be
Lord knows we've learned the hard way
all about healthy apathy.
I am hanging out in this healthy apathy place. Very bad, very queer, very strange things are afoot at the Circle-M.
I am concerned that I have no appetite for intimate relationship. Love is like dark chocolate. Makes you pucker and open wide all at the same time while slipping down your gullet with extraordinary ease, filling you up too fast because it's too rich and yet you still want more, more, more.
It is like I have eaten several slices of Max's Opera Cafe Triple Fantasy Chocolate Espresso Torte (ohthankyouJesus) and now I am sick. I am feeling that feeling - that oh so horrible feeling - dare I say it?
"If I never eat chocolate again, it will be too soon."
I guess the good part is that whenever you say something like that, you know you really will eat chocolate again, because the precise act that made you sick it the precise act that you crave again. I, for one, always want more chocolate.
But not today.
What a beautiful piece of heartache
this has all turned out to be
Lord knows we've learned the hard way
all about healthy apathy.
I am hanging out in this healthy apathy place. Very bad, very queer, very strange things are afoot at the Circle-M.
I am concerned that I have no appetite for intimate relationship. Love is like dark chocolate. Makes you pucker and open wide all at the same time while slipping down your gullet with extraordinary ease, filling you up too fast because it's too rich and yet you still want more, more, more.
It is like I have eaten several slices of Max's Opera Cafe Triple Fantasy Chocolate Espresso Torte (ohthankyouJesus) and now I am sick. I am feeling that feeling - that oh so horrible feeling - dare I say it?
"If I never eat chocolate again, it will be too soon."
I guess the good part is that whenever you say something like that, you know you really will eat chocolate again, because the precise act that made you sick it the precise act that you crave again. I, for one, always want more chocolate.
But not today.
Tuesday, April 4
thx again R...
Today is 04.05.06
Rach encourages us to celebrate. Fortunately, we are, as it is Jenn's Bday bash. And, apparently, it is the 04.05.06 bash too.
Rach encourages us to celebrate. Fortunately, we are, as it is Jenn's Bday bash. And, apparently, it is the 04.05.06 bash too.
Creativity is stirring...
I don't like my blog anymore but I don't know how to change it around. I would like to know how to make pretty pictures and show the covers of the books that I am reading or the CD's that I am currently jamming to.
I would also like to use the entirety of the page.
This is an interesting comment on my personality....
I like to use the entirety of the page to express myself. Even though I am a very free thinker, I like to have the dimensions of the page to think within.
I can hear myself know saying to people in music jam sessions - "Yeah, I can make up a song - GIVE ME A TOPIC"
I can remember asking for guidance without specifics.
One time someone spoke a word over me and told me that I was like a horse on a track, but the track was very, very wide. I was running and running and the track gently guides me in the directions that I should go. I am free within boundaries. I am safe within the guidance of God.
I want to use the whole page, my friends, and I want you to use the whole page too. Maybe you will start from the middle and spread out, maybe you will start from the edges and go in - or may be you will be kinda like me and throw stuff all over in random over.
Ahhhhh.... and all this starts because I want to change my blog.
:)
I would also like to use the entirety of the page.
This is an interesting comment on my personality....
I like to use the entirety of the page to express myself. Even though I am a very free thinker, I like to have the dimensions of the page to think within.
I can hear myself know saying to people in music jam sessions - "Yeah, I can make up a song - GIVE ME A TOPIC"
I can remember asking for guidance without specifics.
One time someone spoke a word over me and told me that I was like a horse on a track, but the track was very, very wide. I was running and running and the track gently guides me in the directions that I should go. I am free within boundaries. I am safe within the guidance of God.
I want to use the whole page, my friends, and I want you to use the whole page too. Maybe you will start from the middle and spread out, maybe you will start from the edges and go in - or may be you will be kinda like me and throw stuff all over in random over.
Ahhhhh.... and all this starts because I want to change my blog.
:)
Monday, April 3
We have a tie....
The "Best Quote at Church" Award has a tie this week:
"I'm gonna be humble and I'm gonna be right, damn it!"
Maria
"Did I just say that out loud? OHH GOOD!"
Tre
"I'm gonna be humble and I'm gonna be right, damn it!"
Maria
"Did I just say that out loud? OHH GOOD!"
Tre
Wednesday, March 29
INDIA.ARIE "Strength, Courage & Wisdom"
Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun
Behind my eyes there lives a me that I've been hiding for much too long
'Cause I've been, too afraid to let it show
'Cause I'm scared of the judgment that may follow
Always putting off my living for tomorrow
It's time to step out on faith,
I've gotta show my faith
It's been illusive for so long,
but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith,
It's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found
Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me
Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen
It's time to step out on faith,
I've gotta show my faith
It's been illusive for so long but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith it's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found
Strength, courage, and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me
I close my eyes and I think of all the things that I want to see
'Cause I know, now that I've opened up my heart I know that
Anything I want can be, so let it be, so let it be:.
Strength, courage, and wisdom
It's been inside of me all along,
Strength, courage, wisdom
It's been inside of me all along, everyday I'm praying for:
Strength, courage, and wisdom
To find me, yeah,
Strength, courage, and wisdom
Inside of me
I found it in me, I
found it finally
I'm sure to keep it' cause I like it, I say thank you
Thursday, March 23
Nancy Drew's Guide to Life says...
"It's a bit gratuitous to quote passages from Shakespeare on a daily basis."
--The Clue of the Dancing Puppet
--The Clue of the Dancing Puppet
We just can't stay away!
Tink and Ariel were at it again - here are some pics to prove it!
Us in our "plush" versions
In one of the courtyards of the Grand Californian
She is soooo cute! Love her!
We got back Tuesday late night from our local Disneyland vacation. We, as always, had a great time and there was no fighting in the car!
Both of us needed to be together - we hadn't seen each other in friendship capacity for over 10 weeks - just goes to show you - QUALITY TIME IS IMPORTANT!!!!!!!
Us in our "plush" versions
In one of the courtyards of the Grand Californian
She is soooo cute! Love her!We got back Tuesday late night from our local Disneyland vacation. We, as always, had a great time and there was no fighting in the car!
Both of us needed to be together - we hadn't seen each other in friendship capacity for over 10 weeks - just goes to show you - QUALITY TIME IS IMPORTANT!!!!!!!
Saturday, March 18
Helpless Romantic
I have recently discovered that I am a completely helpless romantic. I especially mean the HELPLESS part of that. The heart is a funny thing - we just can't control it. So, since I can't beat my heart, I have joined it!
The good thing is that I have finally come to terms with the fact that I love ROMANCE. Jenn helped me realize this when she and I were talking about "this guy" and she said - "You're not letting yourself enjoy this thing."
She was right - I was scared of happiness because it meant that I might be hurt.
This is hilarious because I think being afraid of pain is the stupidist thing ever in the world. It ties your soul up in knots and stops you from feeling anything except pain anyway! Now, I do realize that sometimes fear and caution are a VERY healthy thing - they can keep you away from things that God just doesn't need you to be all mixed up with. Fear can be a great motivator for wisdom - but I think in the overall scheme of things being "too cautious" steals away life in the sneakiest way.
So, whether you need to hear it or not, I leave with these cheese-ball words (hey - I just told you I was a helpless romantic!!):
Sing like no one is listening,
Dance like no one is watching,
Love like you have never been hurt
Live like it's heaven on earth.
The good thing is that I have finally come to terms with the fact that I love ROMANCE. Jenn helped me realize this when she and I were talking about "this guy" and she said - "You're not letting yourself enjoy this thing."
She was right - I was scared of happiness because it meant that I might be hurt.
This is hilarious because I think being afraid of pain is the stupidist thing ever in the world. It ties your soul up in knots and stops you from feeling anything except pain anyway! Now, I do realize that sometimes fear and caution are a VERY healthy thing - they can keep you away from things that God just doesn't need you to be all mixed up with. Fear can be a great motivator for wisdom - but I think in the overall scheme of things being "too cautious" steals away life in the sneakiest way.
So, whether you need to hear it or not, I leave with these cheese-ball words (hey - I just told you I was a helpless romantic!!):
Sing like no one is listening,
Dance like no one is watching,
Love like you have never been hurt
Live like it's heaven on earth.
Thursday, March 16
Tuesday, March 14
Almost done...
ok so I pretty much bombed my final.
i have 6-7 pages left to write on my last paper.
and my feelings got hurt today.
weeping may endure for a night an joy comes in the morning.
pbbbbp!
i have 6-7 pages left to write on my last paper.
and my feelings got hurt today.
weeping may endure for a night an joy comes in the morning.
pbbbbp!
Saturday, March 11
Tertullian
For all of Tertullians faults, I came across a quote today that makes me want to listen to him - at least about some things.
It answers the question, "Can anything good come out of Tertullian?"
"I think I may say without fear of contradiction that by the will of God the Scriptures themselves were so arranged as to furnish matter for the heretics. For without Scripture there can be no heresy."
Well ain't that the truth?
It answers the question, "Can anything good come out of Tertullian?"
"I think I may say without fear of contradiction that by the will of God the Scriptures themselves were so arranged as to furnish matter for the heretics. For without Scripture there can be no heresy."
Well ain't that the truth?
Friday, March 10
SCENE: INT. DAY
Last day of New Testament Gospels Class, class is anxious. Hurried and listening to death and resurrection speech. Staci and Michelle one row behind/one seat to the right of Kyliah. Staci and Michelle whisper during lecture. Kyliah listening. Enter Dr. Thompson.
Dr. Thompson (lecturing): So, what is the one thing not written about in relation to Jesus and his salvific work for God the Father in the Gospels?
(Several uninformed, if not bad, answers from several class members. Michelle and Staci whisper equally bad answers to each other. Beat.)
Pregnant Kyliah: (excitedly) God's wrath!
Dr. Thompson: (equally excited: pleased someone learned something) YES! The wrath!
Michelle: (whispering to Staci) Gosh, she is sooo smart!
Staci: (whispering back) She has two brains right now!
Michelle: (very out loud) HA HA HA HA HA HA H AH AH AH AHA AH HA A!
(Dr. Thompson shoots a look over her glasses. No smile - she has not heard the comment)
END SCENE
Last day of New Testament Gospels Class, class is anxious. Hurried and listening to death and resurrection speech. Staci and Michelle one row behind/one seat to the right of Kyliah. Staci and Michelle whisper during lecture. Kyliah listening. Enter Dr. Thompson.
Dr. Thompson (lecturing): So, what is the one thing not written about in relation to Jesus and his salvific work for God the Father in the Gospels?
(Several uninformed, if not bad, answers from several class members. Michelle and Staci whisper equally bad answers to each other. Beat.)
Pregnant Kyliah: (excitedly) God's wrath!
Dr. Thompson: (equally excited: pleased someone learned something) YES! The wrath!
Michelle: (whispering to Staci) Gosh, she is sooo smart!
Staci: (whispering back) She has two brains right now!
Michelle: (very out loud) HA HA HA HA HA HA H AH AH AH AHA AH HA A!
(Dr. Thompson shoots a look over her glasses. No smile - she has not heard the comment)
END SCENE
As promised
More beverage containers: this one with Thais' hand.
I TOLD you I would remember!
This is the new sign for our church, conveniently located at the pub where we had Community Group last night :)
And here is one more pic I found in my phone from the Sundance Film Festival. This is looking up Main St. On an extremely dreary day. It was really, really cold. And wet. And snowy.
Did I mention cold?
I TOLD you I would remember!
This is the new sign for our church, conveniently located at the pub where we had Community Group last night :)
And here is one more pic I found in my phone from the Sundance Film Festival. This is looking up Main St. On an extremely dreary day. It was really, really cold. And wet. And snowy.
Did I mention cold?
Wednesday, March 8
Sunday, I did not believe in God
Last Sunday, I forgot how to believe in God. I had a wrestling match with God, or doubt, or an angel or whatever, and felt alone and ouch and crippled and blecchkkk.
This verse attacked me yesterday while working on a paper about the problem of evil.
"Though the fig tree does not blossom,
and no fruit is on the vines;
though the produce of the olive fails
and the fields yield no food;
though the flock is cut off from the fold
and there is no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD
i will exult in the God of my salvation.
GOD, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of the deer,
and makes me tread upon the heights"
Habakkuk 3.17-19
This verse attacked me yesterday while working on a paper about the problem of evil.
"Though the fig tree does not blossom,
and no fruit is on the vines;
though the produce of the olive fails
and the fields yield no food;
though the flock is cut off from the fold
and there is no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD
i will exult in the God of my salvation.
GOD, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of the deer,
and makes me tread upon the heights"
Habakkuk 3.17-19
Monday, March 6
Michelle + Motivation = 0
Yeah - so I have none.
This weekend has been annoyingly difficult to concentrate on all the stuff I have to get done. I am hopelessly distracted.
I think I am having one of those mental reactions to the fact that I am graduating in June. I am not sure what I will be doing, except I know that it will be "real life" stuff and to be honest, I like my "fake life" as a student. I enjoy being lazy when I want to be, taking a day off of classes whenever, procrastinating on papers and studying and hanging out with great people freaking ALL DAY LONG!!!!
I love the atmosphere where everybody feels the same stresses (to some extent) and kinda is cocooned up in this attitude of "not yet". It is very comfortable to put off actually fulfilling the career path we are called to.
If you are reading this - PLEASE pray for me that I get my papers done like now (pray now if you like, but I mean that more like I get my papers done now - Ah - English - a barrel of grammatical fun!)
So, off I am to continue work - and these papers:
Women, Bible and the Church = Egalitarian position paper
NT Gospels = What is the Kingdom of God?
Systematics = Is the Bible to be trusted?
Systematics = What about theodicy?
AND
a Final Exam in NT Gospels
pray friends, pray.
This weekend has been annoyingly difficult to concentrate on all the stuff I have to get done. I am hopelessly distracted.
I think I am having one of those mental reactions to the fact that I am graduating in June. I am not sure what I will be doing, except I know that it will be "real life" stuff and to be honest, I like my "fake life" as a student. I enjoy being lazy when I want to be, taking a day off of classes whenever, procrastinating on papers and studying and hanging out with great people freaking ALL DAY LONG!!!!
I love the atmosphere where everybody feels the same stresses (to some extent) and kinda is cocooned up in this attitude of "not yet". It is very comfortable to put off actually fulfilling the career path we are called to.
If you are reading this - PLEASE pray for me that I get my papers done like now (pray now if you like, but I mean that more like I get my papers done now - Ah - English - a barrel of grammatical fun!)
So, off I am to continue work - and these papers:
Women, Bible and the Church = Egalitarian position paper
NT Gospels = What is the Kingdom of God?
Systematics = Is the Bible to be trusted?
Systematics = What about theodicy?
AND
a Final Exam in NT Gospels
pray friends, pray.
Saturday, March 4
Thursday, March 2
Tuesday, February 21
Altruistic Vengeance
So my sis Michelle and I are in the midst of this party thing that the School of Psych is throwing for the School of Theology. We like to laugh at things like this.
Here's the dialogue:
M1: So, what is this thing?
M2: Um, a party SOP is throwing for SOT.
M1: Weird. That's a nice step toward integration.
M2: Yeah, well, SOT threw a party for SOP last quarter. I think they are trying to get back at us.
M1: Alturuistic Vengeance!
M1 & M2: HA HA HA HA HAH
M2: I gotta blog that.
M1: Cool. Do I get royalties?
Here's the dialogue:
M1: So, what is this thing?
M2: Um, a party SOP is throwing for SOT.
M1: Weird. That's a nice step toward integration.
M2: Yeah, well, SOT threw a party for SOP last quarter. I think they are trying to get back at us.
M1: Alturuistic Vengeance!
M1 & M2: HA HA HA HA HAH
M2: I gotta blog that.
M1: Cool. Do I get royalties?
Saturday, February 18
DUE DATES
OK, so SARA is due on the 3rd
and
KYLIAH is due on the 12th.
of August.
I am writing it here now so that when I forget again I know I will have a place to look it up.
Thank God for blogs!
and
KYLIAH is due on the 12th.
of August.
I am writing it here now so that when I forget again I know I will have a place to look it up.
Thank God for blogs!
Wednesday, February 15
Random thoughts for the morning
It was 85 degrees last Friday when K-dog and I studied and ate fruit together. K is on the prego track, with lil' Villa due August 12 or 3rd. The reason I can't remember which is b/c BF Sara is also due in August - on the 12 or 3rd. So I can't remember which is which.
Anyway, K did this cool thing with her orange before she ate it:
She split up all the sections before she put any of them in her mouth. When I asked her why she told me of how when she was little, her mom would put the oranges in the fridge and they would be too cold and she hated it - so she would split up the oranges to make them warm up.
I love you, K, and I love what makes you tick - I am so blessed!
OK NEXT RANDOM THING:
I thought this beer looked neon. Kinda Wierd - but even weirder is how the bubble pattern looks like Jack from Nightmare Before Christmas. Also check out the reflection of the beer in the water.
See - I told you beverages are cool to photograph!
Another blessing:
This is how my church does business.
We just call each other church and leave post-its in simple form to get the message across.
I love my church - it is so cool because when I say that I mean that I love the people that make up my community. It has been a while since I was able to say that - I am so thankful.
I love my church.
I love my church.
I love my church?
Wow. Rad.
Anyway, K did this cool thing with her orange before she ate it:
She split up all the sections before she put any of them in her mouth. When I asked her why she told me of how when she was little, her mom would put the oranges in the fridge and they would be too cold and she hated it - so she would split up the oranges to make them warm up.
I love you, K, and I love what makes you tick - I am so blessed!
OK NEXT RANDOM THING:
I thought this beer looked neon. Kinda Wierd - but even weirder is how the bubble pattern looks like Jack from Nightmare Before Christmas. Also check out the reflection of the beer in the water.
See - I told you beverages are cool to photograph!
Another blessing:
This is how my church does business.
We just call each other church and leave post-its in simple form to get the message across.
I love my church - it is so cool because when I say that I mean that I love the people that make up my community. It has been a while since I was able to say that - I am so thankful.
I love my church.
I love my church.
I love my church?
Wow. Rad.
Tuesday, February 14
Ambiguous
Blind date = great
We were = Kinda flirty; kinda friendly.
Intrigued = definitely would go out again.
Let's see if he e-mails...
(but why didn't he ask for my number? hmmmm...)
OK - I am editing this post on March 6th - since the blind date we have chatted and ummmm...no dice for me. Great guy, but "it" is not so much there for me (or him!?) Hope to be friends - looks like that is a better option for us - just in case ya'll cared to know (Rachel - I know YOU care!!)
We were = Kinda flirty; kinda friendly.
Intrigued = definitely would go out again.
Let's see if he e-mails...
(but why didn't he ask for my number? hmmmm...)
OK - I am editing this post on March 6th - since the blind date we have chatted and ummmm...no dice for me. Great guy, but "it" is not so much there for me (or him!?) Hope to be friends - looks like that is a better option for us - just in case ya'll cared to know (Rachel - I know YOU care!!)
Monday, February 13
LOOK!
Yeah - this was in a vending machine at Disneyland/California Adventure!
SOOO Funny!
Can you guess where that vending machine was?
These guys are great - they make me smile and laugh and we make a great D-land team. Who else can you stand in line AND talk spiritual warfare with at the same time? Ah- I am so blessed! :)
SOOO Funny!
Can you guess where that vending machine was?
These guys are great - they make me smile and laugh and we make a great D-land team. Who else can you stand in line AND talk spiritual warfare with at the same time? Ah- I am so blessed! :)
Sunday, February 12
Starting a church is good for the soul
So my friends Maria (how DO you solve a problem like Maria?) and Mickey (he's so fine he blows my mind!) started a church because we wanted to actually BE a church in real life!!!
Soon came along Andrea and Kyle and Jamie and Katrina and Mark and Thies. Wow - this this is growing pretty quick like. I guess I just wanted to let you all know that for the first time in 4 years I looked forward to going to church. Kinda sad considering I worked for churches all in the past four years.
I realize that I am on the recovery from major burn out. You would think that it wouldn't take too long to recover, but apparently it has taken me quite a while.
The great news is that I was beginning to wonder if I would ever be able to go to church again without being nauseus for 3 days after - good news- no sickness in a month and a half. God is using this community to heal my heart - FINALLY!!!!!!
I actually sang worship music today with a full heart- i have been waiting for that to stir up again for a while too.
I love God so much. God knows me so well and touches my leperous heart anyway. God strokes my hair and reads me love poems and whispers sweet nothings into my ears and loves loves loves me - what an honor to have the creator of the universe hold your hand and kiss the nape of your neck.
I am honored to be the bride.
May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, my God - my Rock - my Redeemer.
Soon came along Andrea and Kyle and Jamie and Katrina and Mark and Thies. Wow - this this is growing pretty quick like. I guess I just wanted to let you all know that for the first time in 4 years I looked forward to going to church. Kinda sad considering I worked for churches all in the past four years.
I realize that I am on the recovery from major burn out. You would think that it wouldn't take too long to recover, but apparently it has taken me quite a while.
The great news is that I was beginning to wonder if I would ever be able to go to church again without being nauseus for 3 days after - good news- no sickness in a month and a half. God is using this community to heal my heart - FINALLY!!!!!!
I actually sang worship music today with a full heart- i have been waiting for that to stir up again for a while too.
I love God so much. God knows me so well and touches my leperous heart anyway. God strokes my hair and reads me love poems and whispers sweet nothings into my ears and loves loves loves me - what an honor to have the creator of the universe hold your hand and kiss the nape of your neck.
I am honored to be the bride.
May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, my God - my Rock - my Redeemer.
Friday, February 10
AUDIO BLOG IS HERE!!!!
I totally can call in an blog stuff like leaving a message so weird so cool so will get you in trouble if you play it in class!!!!
Thursday, February 9
Righteousness
so I am in class and I SHOULD NOT be blogging (it is harder for a seminarian to get into heaven...)
Anyway, the point was brought up about righteousness:
Righteousness and self-righteousness are not the same thing.
the Righteous and the Self-Righteous are not equivicated.
hMMMMMM more about that later.
Anyway, the point was brought up about righteousness:
Righteousness and self-righteousness are not the same thing.
the Righteous and the Self-Righteous are not equivicated.
hMMMMMM more about that later.
Wednesday, February 8
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery
I fess up: my favorite photographer is Rachel - Whether she likes it or not. Because she is my favorite, I copy her.
I have found I like taking pictures of beverage containers. Glasses, cups, mugs; with beverage, without, half-full/empty (take your pick), etc.
I am trying to figure out why I like these things so much - there has GOT to be a theology/psychology/spirituality/emotional-ity reason for this.
OOOO- that'll be FUN to figure out - more on THAT later!
In the meantime: have a look-see at my attempts to be as Rad as Rachel. (now THAT is a great name for a band!!!- OOO I love it! oooo! the ideas are just all over the place this morning!!! OOO!!! OOO!!!
Tuesday, February 7
I did it!!!!
For the first time ever I read poetry that I have written in front of people. And I didn't pee my pants! Yes!
Monday, February 6
Sundance
Ok, so I tried like nineteen thousand times to upload some pics from my trip to no avail. (Exaggeration is a beautiful thing idinit?)
Sundance was, as I expected, a wonderful experience. The films were, overall, not as emotionally impactful as last year. Every film I walked out of last year bowled me over with sadness or happiness or fury or whatever. Most films this year produced a lackluster "well, ok."
However, this paved the way for God to do some extremely powerful heart stuff with the film Forgiven.
The story has absolutely NOTHING to do with what is going in my life - it references no personality, no action, no event - nothing! YET, in the midst of that, God saw fit to release in me the knowledge of the unforgivable.
While watching, the painful realization that the unforgivable has happened to me, to all of us, has occurred. Some people have sustained more injury - some have a long, long list of the unforgivable in their lives. Some have been beaten and betrayed by those who were called to be closest to them, some have been denied love and grace by those who preached it. Some have been sacrificed to the lions in order to appease the king of self. All completely unforgivable.
This sounds really harsh - but ya know - it is true and real. We learn from the gospels that Christ says that there is only one unforgivable sin - you know, the HS blasphemy stuff. I think we take this verse and apply it to ourselves and that causes us to deny our own feelings of betrayal and pain. I think Jesus is trying to tell us that there is only one sin that GOD finds unforgivable. But we humans, well, there are a whole hellava lot of sins that we find, or at least I find, unforgivable. And that is actually a good thing.
It is good because until we ADMIT that we feel pained and beaten, until we fess up to the fact that we cannot forgive, until we stand naked in our pissed-offense in front of our Creator, until we relinquish our inability to wash anybody's slate clean, we cannot truly forgive them. I learned that I cannot forgive, I can only allow God to forgive through me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - forgiveness is a vastly more spiritual encounter than we realize.
I felt God tell me it was ok to say out loud to the world, to myself, to my family, to my friends, etc. that I feel they have done the unforgivable.
THEN I am to forgive anyway - rather let go of wanting God to not forgive them - let go of thinking that God did not see.
I learned that forgiveness is not forgiveness until I admit that there is a sacrifice involved. Christ said that it was easy to love those who love us - anyone can do that - but to love those who hate you - to forgive those who do not deserve it - that is true love, deep love, and commitment to God.
I have discovered that I have only thought that I have forgiven people.
Now I can actually let God forgive people, and that lets me forgive people.
I felt the presence of a Father God in that theater: he whooshed through my soul with great grief and asked me to do the unforgivable: to release those who do not deserve to be released.
I guess that means that true forgiveness means releasing those who do not deserve to be released.
I vaguely feel that God really has kept every one of my tears in bottle.
I am sitting on the couch next to a God who sees and is hurting next to me. In this I find great comfort.
Paracaleo.
Sundance was, as I expected, a wonderful experience. The films were, overall, not as emotionally impactful as last year. Every film I walked out of last year bowled me over with sadness or happiness or fury or whatever. Most films this year produced a lackluster "well, ok."
However, this paved the way for God to do some extremely powerful heart stuff with the film Forgiven.
The story has absolutely NOTHING to do with what is going in my life - it references no personality, no action, no event - nothing! YET, in the midst of that, God saw fit to release in me the knowledge of the unforgivable.
While watching, the painful realization that the unforgivable has happened to me, to all of us, has occurred. Some people have sustained more injury - some have a long, long list of the unforgivable in their lives. Some have been beaten and betrayed by those who were called to be closest to them, some have been denied love and grace by those who preached it. Some have been sacrificed to the lions in order to appease the king of self. All completely unforgivable.
This sounds really harsh - but ya know - it is true and real. We learn from the gospels that Christ says that there is only one unforgivable sin - you know, the HS blasphemy stuff. I think we take this verse and apply it to ourselves and that causes us to deny our own feelings of betrayal and pain. I think Jesus is trying to tell us that there is only one sin that GOD finds unforgivable. But we humans, well, there are a whole hellava lot of sins that we find, or at least I find, unforgivable. And that is actually a good thing.
It is good because until we ADMIT that we feel pained and beaten, until we fess up to the fact that we cannot forgive, until we stand naked in our pissed-offense in front of our Creator, until we relinquish our inability to wash anybody's slate clean, we cannot truly forgive them. I learned that I cannot forgive, I can only allow God to forgive through me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - forgiveness is a vastly more spiritual encounter than we realize.
I felt God tell me it was ok to say out loud to the world, to myself, to my family, to my friends, etc. that I feel they have done the unforgivable.
THEN I am to forgive anyway - rather let go of wanting God to not forgive them - let go of thinking that God did not see.
I learned that forgiveness is not forgiveness until I admit that there is a sacrifice involved. Christ said that it was easy to love those who love us - anyone can do that - but to love those who hate you - to forgive those who do not deserve it - that is true love, deep love, and commitment to God.
I have discovered that I have only thought that I have forgiven people.
Now I can actually let God forgive people, and that lets me forgive people.
I felt the presence of a Father God in that theater: he whooshed through my soul with great grief and asked me to do the unforgivable: to release those who do not deserve to be released.
I guess that means that true forgiveness means releasing those who do not deserve to be released.
I vaguely feel that God really has kept every one of my tears in bottle.
I am sitting on the couch next to a God who sees and is hurting next to me. In this I find great comfort.
Paracaleo.
Friday, February 3
Reading
Reading, I sit in the darkish
The light behind me, illuminating dirty black poorly photocopied
Old sad pages
That like macabre twisted farce make me laugh
I hate that I am laughing
Reading, dipped in chocolate information
The light above me, glowing around my chapped fingers
Shaking leaf, am I
A little bit more understanding today than yesterday
I ache that laughing is stilled
Reading, I am in heaven’s palm
The light around me, dim but present, barely touchable –
My cavernous heart
Is weeping gently and longing for God to explain
Why it is not time to laugh yet
Reading, I stop reading
The light from within me glows sundown red-orange-pink
Breaks our horizon, like sunsets, we cannot touch
We can only saturate from a far, far place
What would be lost if too close
My will settles for too far
My soul pines for too close
And I pick up pages
And begin to read again.
The light behind me, illuminating dirty black poorly photocopied
Old sad pages
That like macabre twisted farce make me laugh
I hate that I am laughing
Reading, dipped in chocolate information
The light above me, glowing around my chapped fingers
Shaking leaf, am I
A little bit more understanding today than yesterday
I ache that laughing is stilled
Reading, I am in heaven’s palm
The light around me, dim but present, barely touchable –
My cavernous heart
Is weeping gently and longing for God to explain
Why it is not time to laugh yet
Reading, I stop reading
The light from within me glows sundown red-orange-pink
Breaks our horizon, like sunsets, we cannot touch
We can only saturate from a far, far place
What would be lost if too close
My will settles for too far
My soul pines for too close
And I pick up pages
And begin to read again.
Wednesday, February 1
And then from....
Last night with a good friend proved to be a very healing experience for me.
He read to me Rilke:
And then, from his place of ambush, God lept out.
I have been marinating in that and plan to stay marinating for a while.
I am so thankful for the language of thinkness, for the spell of words that dazzle and draw into heaven's paths. So amazed by the tenderness of breath and teeth and tongue that serve peace and grace.
Words aptly spoken truly are apples of gold in settings of silver.
Thank you, my dear friend. You know who you are.
More on Sundance to come.....
He read to me Rilke:
And then, from his place of ambush, God lept out.
I have been marinating in that and plan to stay marinating for a while.
I am so thankful for the language of thinkness, for the spell of words that dazzle and draw into heaven's paths. So amazed by the tenderness of breath and teeth and tongue that serve peace and grace.
Words aptly spoken truly are apples of gold in settings of silver.
Thank you, my dear friend. You know who you are.
More on Sundance to come.....
Monday, January 23
Sundance
I leave tommorrow for the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah. And, as usual, I have not packed yet or even thought about what I am going to see once I am there. All I know for sure is that it will be an amazing, intense experience, and that I will once again be reminded of how I could do whatever I want to.
This is an interesting dilemma to have: the joy of endless possibilities verses the overwhelming choice of where to go and what to do next.
All this in mind, I think this year I am going to let Sundance happen to me instead of me happening to Sundance like last year. I am going with the express desire to meet people and talk with them about theology and film - to find out what the heck they think about God and spirituality - and to love them with all I am no matter how crappy they are.
Grace in abundance for all!
This is an interesting dilemma to have: the joy of endless possibilities verses the overwhelming choice of where to go and what to do next.
All this in mind, I think this year I am going to let Sundance happen to me instead of me happening to Sundance like last year. I am going with the express desire to meet people and talk with them about theology and film - to find out what the heck they think about God and spirituality - and to love them with all I am no matter how crappy they are.
Grace in abundance for all!
Tuesday, January 17
Dialogue in love
Thanks for the comments on "Land of No". I am grateful that there is freedom to see past sadness, and there is an unusually bright victory in your mind and heart- you are blessed person. (I am a bit envious of your insight!)
Some thoughts:
While it is true that every "NO" has a "YES" somewhere in there, I am not sure it is the "YES" that is automatically infused with the grace of God. Let's face it: WE MAKE MISTAKES. And sometimes (dare I say often?) the mistakes are made out of a desire to do something right.
We say NO when we were supposed to say YES. Plain and simple. God wants us to do one thing, we do another. There is hope down one road, we go down another. These answers, however, are not as plain and simple to discern.
Another thought:
Grieving the loss of potentiality may not be our right. Often it is our own decisions that have brought us to a place of regret, and God's grace does not come without consequences. Any perusal of the Old Testament will bring the realization that the love of God is quite conditional, and since we can never fulfill the conditions, we need Jesus. We enjoy grace because God chooses to give it. To mistake grace for something haphazardly thrown onto our lives (God has to cause he said he would!?) is to forget the intention, deliberation and extreme necessity of the cross. If grace was cheap, Jesus would have stayed alive, the temple would be standing tall, and there would be a lot fewer lambs in the world.
Transformation is not an option, we get it no matter what - the question is what do we want to be transformed to? And how do we know that the "YES" that was shouted from the rooftops is going to change us into light and life? We very well may have dug our own graves.
Does this mean that redemption is impossible? Of course not! What it means is that redemption is VALUABLE and since it is, we must guard it and work out our salvation with fear and trembling.
I guess that is a good example: If I say "NO" to fear, then potentially I have said no to the reality of the terrifying transforming holiness of God.
Perhaps we just all need to say "yes" to going through subtlety. I read somewhere God works there. :)
Some thoughts:
While it is true that every "NO" has a "YES" somewhere in there, I am not sure it is the "YES" that is automatically infused with the grace of God. Let's face it: WE MAKE MISTAKES. And sometimes (dare I say often?) the mistakes are made out of a desire to do something right.
We say NO when we were supposed to say YES. Plain and simple. God wants us to do one thing, we do another. There is hope down one road, we go down another. These answers, however, are not as plain and simple to discern.
Another thought:
Grieving the loss of potentiality may not be our right. Often it is our own decisions that have brought us to a place of regret, and God's grace does not come without consequences. Any perusal of the Old Testament will bring the realization that the love of God is quite conditional, and since we can never fulfill the conditions, we need Jesus. We enjoy grace because God chooses to give it. To mistake grace for something haphazardly thrown onto our lives (God has to cause he said he would!?) is to forget the intention, deliberation and extreme necessity of the cross. If grace was cheap, Jesus would have stayed alive, the temple would be standing tall, and there would be a lot fewer lambs in the world.
Transformation is not an option, we get it no matter what - the question is what do we want to be transformed to? And how do we know that the "YES" that was shouted from the rooftops is going to change us into light and life? We very well may have dug our own graves.
Does this mean that redemption is impossible? Of course not! What it means is that redemption is VALUABLE and since it is, we must guard it and work out our salvation with fear and trembling.
I guess that is a good example: If I say "NO" to fear, then potentially I have said no to the reality of the terrifying transforming holiness of God.
Perhaps we just all need to say "yes" to going through subtlety. I read somewhere God works there. :)
Monday, January 16
The Land of No
Lately I have been venturing through the Land of No. Everywhere I turn there are people saying "NO", places being closed "NO", movies and TV shows teaching the value of "NO". People I love are telling me "NO".
At first I was lackadaisical about the whole thing - if people want to say "NO" to life then oh well for them.
But now, I am just disappointed and hurt. So many things in this life are already bound by "NO" that we don't need to help them. I am beginning to wonder if "NO" is an exuse to not feel the reality of feelings and bear the burden of brokenness. We draw our lines in the sand, we cut our losses, we say goodbye, all in the name of health.
But ya know, sometimes it's the "NO" that is unhealthy. Sometimes you have to go straight into hell and stay there for a while and not run away and say "NO" to "NO".
But, as I am learning, that takes way more courage than most people have.
At first I was lackadaisical about the whole thing - if people want to say "NO" to life then oh well for them.
But now, I am just disappointed and hurt. So many things in this life are already bound by "NO" that we don't need to help them. I am beginning to wonder if "NO" is an exuse to not feel the reality of feelings and bear the burden of brokenness. We draw our lines in the sand, we cut our losses, we say goodbye, all in the name of health.
But ya know, sometimes it's the "NO" that is unhealthy. Sometimes you have to go straight into hell and stay there for a while and not run away and say "NO" to "NO".
But, as I am learning, that takes way more courage than most people have.
Friday, January 6
yet another reason to convert
You get to go to churches like this:
Holy Hill Cathedral outside of Milwakee, WI
The drive to this place is spectacular. From a tiny road you see this awesome church building from five or six miles away. Wow.
Holy Hill Cathedral outside of Milwakee, WI
The drive to this place is spectacular. From a tiny road you see this awesome church building from five or six miles away. Wow.
Thursday, January 5
Reading
So school has begun and so has the reading - only like 250 pages due by Monday! Yes!
While I enjoy reading, what I enjoy even more is finding great little tidbits of universal truth tucked lovingly into very specific contexts. I love this because the author always seems to be making some fantastic point and may honestly believe that what they are writing could only possibly apply to the subject on which they expound.
I found a great one today - long live the forest for the trees!!!!
"A crisis is not necessarily a bad thing. The original meaning of the word has to do with a moment of decision, hence a turning point toward a new direction."
Amen.
While I enjoy reading, what I enjoy even more is finding great little tidbits of universal truth tucked lovingly into very specific contexts. I love this because the author always seems to be making some fantastic point and may honestly believe that what they are writing could only possibly apply to the subject on which they expound.
I found a great one today - long live the forest for the trees!!!!
"A crisis is not necessarily a bad thing. The original meaning of the word has to do with a moment of decision, hence a turning point toward a new direction."
Amen.
Wednesday, January 4
New Year...
It is 2006. I remember being in sixth grade in 1989 (whew!) and thinking "Wow - in the year 2006 I will be 28."
The obvious connection is...
Classes start today for my last quarter at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, CA. I am taking Women, the Bible and the Church with Dr. David Scholar, NT 1:Gospels with Marienne Meye Thompson, and doing my Master's Project.
Oh yeah, I am also finishing an independent study in Theological Anthropology and Revelation of God with Ray Anderson. So -- big ass quarter. Oh, and another thing, I have a BF to keep track of, although I really think he actually hates the notion of either of us keeping track of each other and he probably wouldn't even care if I lost track of him, and that is a good thing even though at first it doesn't sound like it.
And the most important thing: my family is, well, exploding. But all good things must come to end I suppose.
I am not looking forard to the stress associated with school and work but it all gets chalked up to experience. Ce la vie.
I hope to have more news later with more enjoyable things to say. For now though, reality bites.
I guess a picture will brighten the mood:
friends last quarter at Desiree's DJ Bash with the AA studies department. Fun was had by all.
The obvious connection is...
Classes start today for my last quarter at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, CA. I am taking Women, the Bible and the Church with Dr. David Scholar, NT 1:Gospels with Marienne Meye Thompson, and doing my Master's Project.
Oh yeah, I am also finishing an independent study in Theological Anthropology and Revelation of God with Ray Anderson. So -- big ass quarter. Oh, and another thing, I have a BF to keep track of, although I really think he actually hates the notion of either of us keeping track of each other and he probably wouldn't even care if I lost track of him, and that is a good thing even though at first it doesn't sound like it.
And the most important thing: my family is, well, exploding. But all good things must come to end I suppose.
I am not looking forard to the stress associated with school and work but it all gets chalked up to experience. Ce la vie.
I hope to have more news later with more enjoyable things to say. For now though, reality bites.
I guess a picture will brighten the mood:
friends last quarter at Desiree's DJ Bash with the AA studies department. Fun was had by all.
Thursday, December 15
'Tis the season ramblings
So, Xmas is around the corner; I don't know about you but I am NOT ready! I still have perfect presents to purchase (like my alliteration?). I am not so much in the usual spirit of Christmas this year - Christmas is different this year. Maybe I am just tired. Really tired. Yesterday, Prez Mouw (Or maybe it was Provosts Lingenfelter?) gave a little speechy thing at the staff Xmas party for Fuller. He mentioned that this year has been a bad year for humanity.
This is true:
Tsunami
Hurricane
Earthquakes
Monsoons
Rosa Parks, Announcer Bill, Myung Jin, Linda's Dad AND son, Richard Pryor, Ben's friend - all passed on
Bombings
War
Anger
All this and more in the last twelve months.
So Christmas is different this year.
This year, I am not thinking about family and friends and joy.
This year, I am looking not at birth - I am looking at myself - very, very pregnant.
This year has been about morning sickness, contractions, breaking water and birthing pains. This year has been about Mary being young and virgin and doubted and scorned and unbelieved and untrusted.
This year has been the icy chill of the night air on fresh baby skin and the stink of manure and animal sweat.
So what do we do? Do we shed toiled tears? I know I do.
I wish I could live in this misery, to hover lustfully in melancholy, but the crying Jesus does not allow me. I desire to be hurt; pissed even, at this God who loves me perfectly because my perfect is not God's perfect. But I cannot. I cannot be damned.
It is through this thorny labor that God is asking me if Christmas was ever meant to be about joy and hope and good for joy and hope and good's sake. It is through the agony of doubled over cramping that Christ is wondering of me where mercy - true, universal, precious mercy - is. Teenage Jesus is playing catch with me, lobbing me baseballs of muse: "Is giving birth worth the pain? Is the life worth the labor?" and I keep missing easy tosses.
I am dropping the ball.
And in his eyes I see the patience of my earthy father when at the schoolyard I could not hit far enough to make brother Ben run.
In his face I see my mother's tear-red cheeks - the disappointment of unconditional love betrayed – unwilling to let go of me.
Uh oh.
New conceptions are afoot –
Could it be that (?!)
Joy isn’t happiness, it is thankfulness so deep that it feels obligatory?
Hope isn’t wishing, it is a soul crying out (demanding maybe?) for the beginning of life outside of womb?
Good isn’t nice, it is just rightness and justice and wholeness brought through the twinge of hard, hard work.
My friends, this year Christmas is very different.
This year Christmas is undeserved and unlovely.
This year Christmas is expensive. It is the reminder of costly, costly grace.
This is true:
Tsunami
Hurricane
Earthquakes
Monsoons
Rosa Parks, Announcer Bill, Myung Jin, Linda's Dad AND son, Richard Pryor, Ben's friend - all passed on
Bombings
War
Anger
All this and more in the last twelve months.
So Christmas is different this year.
This year, I am not thinking about family and friends and joy.
This year, I am looking not at birth - I am looking at myself - very, very pregnant.
This year has been about morning sickness, contractions, breaking water and birthing pains. This year has been about Mary being young and virgin and doubted and scorned and unbelieved and untrusted.
This year has been the icy chill of the night air on fresh baby skin and the stink of manure and animal sweat.
So what do we do? Do we shed toiled tears? I know I do.
I wish I could live in this misery, to hover lustfully in melancholy, but the crying Jesus does not allow me. I desire to be hurt; pissed even, at this God who loves me perfectly because my perfect is not God's perfect. But I cannot. I cannot be damned.
It is through this thorny labor that God is asking me if Christmas was ever meant to be about joy and hope and good for joy and hope and good's sake. It is through the agony of doubled over cramping that Christ is wondering of me where mercy - true, universal, precious mercy - is. Teenage Jesus is playing catch with me, lobbing me baseballs of muse: "Is giving birth worth the pain? Is the life worth the labor?" and I keep missing easy tosses.
I am dropping the ball.
And in his eyes I see the patience of my earthy father when at the schoolyard I could not hit far enough to make brother Ben run.
In his face I see my mother's tear-red cheeks - the disappointment of unconditional love betrayed – unwilling to let go of me.
Uh oh.
New conceptions are afoot –
Could it be that (?!)
Joy isn’t happiness, it is thankfulness so deep that it feels obligatory?
Hope isn’t wishing, it is a soul crying out (demanding maybe?) for the beginning of life outside of womb?
Good isn’t nice, it is just rightness and justice and wholeness brought through the twinge of hard, hard work.
My friends, this year Christmas is very different.
This year Christmas is undeserved and unlovely.
This year Christmas is expensive. It is the reminder of costly, costly grace.
Tuesday, December 6
some external processing for you
There is always so much to say and never enough energy to actually say it- in writing that is. I realize that I come with these great little thoughts and jot them down in my journal and then, since its all spilled out already, I don't have enough emotional motivation to get it here on the blog-o-licious.
My friend Dave had a beautiful b-day party on Saturday night. At one point we were discussing the necessary ingredients for artistic creativity to occur:
1. Inspiration
2. Time
3. Energy
Dave has discovered that if all three are not present, then nary an art project is to be found. I find myself in the same boat as Dave.
- I sit at the piano, composition book in tow; not a single note will grace the page.
- I sit in Peet's Coffee studying frantically, writing like the wind a paper due last yesterday Monday morning and a symphony popcorns in my ears.
- I sit on my bed, eyes wearily glazed but time flowing freely, and lyrics chug like a freight train through my thoughts.
It has been a long time since I wrote a good song. It's been a long time since I have written a good anything. I guess I am thinking about it since my computer's operating system crashed last week the night before my final paper in Spirituality and Everyday Life was due and I have none of what I was getting back to (eventually, right?) left. I suppose it is a lesson in taking your own giftings for granted.
I buried my talents deep in "desktop" file folders and "my documents" bins, only to have it be disheveled and destroyed by time and inadequate technology. This, I guess you are thinking, is wonderful! It has spurred me toward re-creating life and reusing talents for good.
Actually, the only thing it has spurred is my desire to buy a new computer. I'm getting a MAC.
You know, you need to be careful what you say - cuz God hears this stuff. The computer thing is case in point. Like three weeks ago, I mentioned to BF Paul that I couldn't wait till my computer crashed so I could buy a MAC.
'Nuff said.
My friend Dave had a beautiful b-day party on Saturday night. At one point we were discussing the necessary ingredients for artistic creativity to occur:
1. Inspiration
2. Time
3. Energy
Dave has discovered that if all three are not present, then nary an art project is to be found. I find myself in the same boat as Dave.
- I sit at the piano, composition book in tow; not a single note will grace the page.
- I sit in Peet's Coffee studying frantically, writing like the wind a paper due last yesterday Monday morning and a symphony popcorns in my ears.
- I sit on my bed, eyes wearily glazed but time flowing freely, and lyrics chug like a freight train through my thoughts.
It has been a long time since I wrote a good song. It's been a long time since I have written a good anything. I guess I am thinking about it since my computer's operating system crashed last week the night before my final paper in Spirituality and Everyday Life was due and I have none of what I was getting back to (eventually, right?) left. I suppose it is a lesson in taking your own giftings for granted.
I buried my talents deep in "desktop" file folders and "my documents" bins, only to have it be disheveled and destroyed by time and inadequate technology. This, I guess you are thinking, is wonderful! It has spurred me toward re-creating life and reusing talents for good.
Actually, the only thing it has spurred is my desire to buy a new computer. I'm getting a MAC.
You know, you need to be careful what you say - cuz God hears this stuff. The computer thing is case in point. Like three weeks ago, I mentioned to BF Paul that I couldn't wait till my computer crashed so I could buy a MAC.
'Nuff said.
Tuesday, November 29
Thanksgiving...
I spent Thanksgiving in WISCONSIN. That is so weird. BUT I had never seen a great lake before and I must say, Lake Michigan is quite beautiful. I was informed by my hostess that, technically, the great lakes are not really lakes at all, but "large freshwater seas". SO - here is a pic of Large Freshwater Sea Michigan from the sitting room of my buddy Hillary's parents home
I also "enjoyed" over 45 hours in the seated position either in a plane or car in a period of 4 days. Boo. My butt is killing me.
In the plane (because really you are not ON the plane, you are in it) I was graced to read American Way the American Airlines Sky Mag. This was nothing less than disturbing. At first I though the most disturbing thing was an ad for luxury condos that haven't even been built yet in Las Vegas.
But then I saw this.
Wow.
I also "enjoyed" over 45 hours in the seated position either in a plane or car in a period of 4 days. Boo. My butt is killing me.
In the plane (because really you are not ON the plane, you are in it) I was graced to read American Way the American Airlines Sky Mag. This was nothing less than disturbing. At first I though the most disturbing thing was an ad for luxury condos that haven't even been built yet in Las Vegas.
But then I saw this.
Wow.
Tuesday, November 15
I took this stupid test because I like stupid tests. Check out my answers then, by golly, do it yourself!!!!
| The Keys to Your Heart |
 You are attracted to obedience and warmth. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
Can YOU pass eighth grade math??????
| You Passed 8th Grade Math |
 |
So Strange....
There are lots of things that I am finding strange lately. For example:
Why do they sell golf balls with Baseball team logos on them? What is it that makes golf and baseball peacefully coexist?
I think it's just another marketing scam. Damn those Yankees.
Why do they sell golf balls with Baseball team logos on them? What is it that makes golf and baseball peacefully coexist?
I think it's just another marketing scam. Damn those Yankees.
Wednesday, November 9
Believe me Ariel...
When Ariel Sings
When Ariel sings the music pierces souls and magnifies the Creator
So close we can smell Her and Him and Son and Spirit
When Ariel cries the tears are a potion bottled and set upon the Creators
Shelf, and is used as a Pensieve for the angels
When Ariel laughs fairies are born and children are raised from the dead and beauty returns to center
When Ariel prays the heavens cease movement.
God harkens.
God stops.
God shushes the playing kingdom and demands attention be paid.
When Ariel sleeps the One does not.
When Ariel doubts the One believes.
When Ariel is weak the One is strong.
When Ariel introspects she sees mud and filth and blood and yuck and muck and asks
“Why?!
Why?!
Why?!!!?!?!?!”
And Creator answers:
“When Ariel sings the music pierces the soul
And magnifies Me
And I am so close, so very close.”
And many can taste Creator One: Her and Him and Son and Spirit.
When Ariel sings the music pierces souls and magnifies the Creator
So close we can smell Her and Him and Son and Spirit
When Ariel cries the tears are a potion bottled and set upon the Creators
Shelf, and is used as a Pensieve for the angels
When Ariel laughs fairies are born and children are raised from the dead and beauty returns to center
When Ariel prays the heavens cease movement.
God harkens.
God stops.
God shushes the playing kingdom and demands attention be paid.
When Ariel sleeps the One does not.
When Ariel doubts the One believes.
When Ariel is weak the One is strong.
When Ariel introspects she sees mud and filth and blood and yuck and muck and asks
“Why?!
Why?!
Why?!!!?!?!?!”
And Creator answers:
“When Ariel sings the music pierces the soul
And magnifies Me
And I am so close, so very close.”
And many can taste Creator One: Her and Him and Son and Spirit.
Wednesday, November 2
Maria loves me and tells me this...
The LORD will hold you in his hands for all to see--a splendid crown in the hands of God.
Never again will you be called the Godforsaken City or the Desolate Land. Your new name will be the City of God's Delight and the Bride of God, for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his own.
Is. 62:3-4
thank you Maria
Never again will you be called the Godforsaken City or the Desolate Land. Your new name will be the City of God's Delight and the Bride of God, for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his own.
Is. 62:3-4
thank you Maria
Tuesday, November 1
Being present for the present
I have had the realization over the past couple days that I have no idea how to be present in the present. I am always thinking of "what just happened" or "what lies ahead." I hate that!!! I wasn't quite convinced that I was so terrible at living for the moment, so I decided to take a "thought inventory" over the past couple days.
I did not censor my thoughts, I took note of them. Sadly, a good 90% of them had nothing to do with what I was actually doing. They strayed to the lands of "what if?" and "one time at band camp..." more times than actually staying put right in the middle of "wherever I go there I am." Instead of feeling sad, I fantasized situations that would make me feel better, instead of being thankful, I remembered times I had nothing, instead of being happy, I feared what it would be like to be unhappy again.
I think now I am really beginning to understand a couple of spiritual concepts that seem so simple:
1. Do not worry about tommorrow, for tommorrow will take care of itself. Who can add a hour to their life by worrying? Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, with prayer and thanksgiving make your requests known to God, and the peace of God (note this is not MY peace, but God's!) will guard your heart.
2. Mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. Love your neighbor as yourself. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. (I can't do nothin' for no one if I ain't got no clue where I'm at in the first place.)
I encourage all people to do this for a day. It totally screwed me up! It's great!
Chris told me a couple days ago that you can't sacrifice yourself if you don't know who you are. You can't sacrifice what you never owned.
Mary Engelbriet was right the whole time:
I did not censor my thoughts, I took note of them. Sadly, a good 90% of them had nothing to do with what I was actually doing. They strayed to the lands of "what if?" and "one time at band camp..." more times than actually staying put right in the middle of "wherever I go there I am." Instead of feeling sad, I fantasized situations that would make me feel better, instead of being thankful, I remembered times I had nothing, instead of being happy, I feared what it would be like to be unhappy again.
I think now I am really beginning to understand a couple of spiritual concepts that seem so simple:
1. Do not worry about tommorrow, for tommorrow will take care of itself. Who can add a hour to their life by worrying? Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, with prayer and thanksgiving make your requests known to God, and the peace of God (note this is not MY peace, but God's!) will guard your heart.
2. Mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. Love your neighbor as yourself. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. (I can't do nothin' for no one if I ain't got no clue where I'm at in the first place.)
I encourage all people to do this for a day. It totally screwed me up! It's great!
Chris told me a couple days ago that you can't sacrifice yourself if you don't know who you are. You can't sacrifice what you never owned.
Mary Engelbriet was right the whole time:
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