Giving forgiveness sucks.

I know I am not supposed to say that, being a follower of Christ and all. But ya know what - the act of forgiving - and I mean REAL forgiving - not the stuff that's passed off in our lifetimes as heroic suffering through relational pain - tangible forgiving - sucks.

I don't think any of us get what Jesus did when he forgave sins. I wonder if we secretly think that Jesus was hap-hazzardly throwing about pardons to those who he never knew in the first place. It's easy to pardon those who have never wounded you.

So, it gets me to thinking... what did all those people do to Jesus that made Jesus the only human at the time with the power to forgive? You can't have forgiveness without an offense. So, how did, say, the alabaster box lady offend Jesus? Seems to me she was pretty nice washing his feet and all - with her HAIR even!
And- what the heck did that robber on the cross ever do to Jesus? Whose to say they ever met before that whole crucifixion thing anyway?!

To top it off, our lives mixing up with Jesus' makes forgiveness seem so, well, punitive. I mean, the whole "financial debt excused" parable doesn't so much connect with my credit card culture. Truth be told, paying off my school loan is all done through money I never see... doesn't it kinda feel anti-climactic to read on a screen:
Payment posted. Thank you. Your confirmation number is...

Maybe Jesus has gone electronic too:
Your name is currently in the e-book of life.
We can now access your account quickly and easily.
Your account balance: $0.00
Payment method: MASTER-card

Wow.

Don't get me wrong... I am not theologically ignorant. I know that (supposedly) the offenses were all against God, and that God and Jesus are the same thing (if your theology allows that), and that Jesus was able to forgive cuz he was/is God, and so he was offended just as much as God. (Yes - I am bobbing my head back and forth and using a singsongy blah blah blah tone, thank you very much)
But really - what does it look like to offend God? AND - if God is really that offended and yet is so merciful and forgiving - doesn't that make God a sucker?
Cuz geez - I personally am pretty hurt and broken-up about someone offending me - even though it was one of those unintentional sins that Wesley spouts about - and I am not in the mood to forgive - even though I know I have to.

Before you jump on that statement - let me just say - I don't think I have to forgive because "that's what Jesus says". I think I HAVE to forgive because living here in unforgivenessland disagrees with both my digestion and my sanity.
I have to forgive because when I don't, I am miserable with nausea and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I guess it would be nice if piety had something to do with it - but today it doesn't.

It's the hardest damn thing I ever do and will continue to try to do. It is not fun to let someone off the hook when the hook is still wedged in between your own sternum and cardio-pulmonary muscle and you are spewing blood about the house. Oh yes... it's all fun and games until someone gets their eye poked out.

Yet - it MUST be done. There is no other option - especially for us Followers. For to NOT forgive is to somehow lighten the weight of the offense. It is to deny the reality of the feeling of heart-pain. I don't know about you, but when I am NOT forgiving, it really means that I AM ignoring. Ignoring is lying. Forgiving is truthing.

But the truth sets free. It hurts like hell, but it does set free.
Ouch.